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Question
Posted by: liena | 2011/10/03

grandperants

Hello

Graag wil ek weet of dit " okey"  is as ''n oupa ''n kleinkind pakgee? Die 3 jarige seun is gewoontlik baie soet, maar het toe die dag min geslaap en was al laat middag, toe het hy twee karretjie teen mekaar geslaan. Oupa se to stop en die seuntjie het half gedink dis ''n grapie en oupa het begin vinger wys en die volgende oomblik hom pak gegee. Die oupa het hom nie pak gegee om hom te tug nie maar hy het sy " moer"  gestrip. Nou is die kind bang vir hom. Nou is daar paar familie geleendhede wat ons in die volgende maand moet bywoon, wat staan ek tedoen?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

In practice, it obviously depends on the family and its policies and customs. Nowadays, I'd think it was uncommon. But as we've discussed so often, physical punishment is both much less effective than psychological re-training - a clear set of rules, unwanted consequences for breaking them ( such as no TV for a day, grounding, whatever ), and rewards for keeping to the rules ( something parents too often forget, giving rewards randomly, so they are not truly rewarding and don't encourage anything except just expecting goodies to arrive frequently ).
In the situation you describe, it's not surprising the kid feels scared of oupa, as the smacks came pout of the blue, unexpectedly, and probably in his small mind aren't really related to his playing with his cars.
Maria is right, oupa must be calmly and pleasantly told that this is not his role and that his parents have drawn up the rules and penalties, and want to stick to those, and he should report to them if the boy is being outrageous. The actual offense on the child' side sounds trivial and not deserving of a violent response - and of course that is the other snag with oupa's sort of discipline - it teaches kids that its OK to be violent to get what you want, and to be violent when you're angry.
And she's right, too - where was ouma in all this, and how can she help ?

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: MattsMom | 2011/10/03

Liena, as jy nie self gedink het wat " oupa"  gedoen het was verkeerd nie sou jy in die eerste plek nie jou vraag hier gevra het nie. Jou seuntjie is 3 jaar oud en oupa is veronderstel om hom te beskerm. 3 is nog bitter jonk - wat was so verkeerd daaraan om die karretjies teen mekaar te stamp?? Soos jy genoem het " oupa"  het sy moer gestrip - hoe durf hy sy frustrasies op jou kind uit haal?? Dis totaal onaanvaarbaar en ek sou nie daarvoor staan nie.
Ek neem aan jy het niks omtrent die situasie gedoen nie of is ek verkeerd? Ek stel voor jy praat privaat met oupa en laat hom goed verstaan dat wat hy gedoen het, jou seuntjie vreeslik ontstel het en dat hy nou bang is vir sy oupa. En ook dat jy dit nie sal duld dat enigiemand behalwe jy of jou man jul kind fisies sal tugtig nie (indien jul wel pakslae gee). Indien jou seuntjie " stout"  is jy dit sal waardeer as hy julle daarvan kan laat weet.
Nie alle kinders is dieselfde nie - pakslae werk glad nie vir my seunjie nie - woorde wel.

Reply to MattsMom
Posted by: Maria | 2011/10/03

Daar is geen algemene reë l nie, die vraag is of dit vir JOU aanvaarbaar is. Uit jou boodskap klink dit nie so nie. Iemand moet op ''n mooi manier vir oupa sê  dat hy dissiplinering vir die ouers moet los. Maar jy kan nie nou alle familie geleenthede boikot oor hierdie een gebeurtenis nie. Is daar ''n ouma met wie mens dalk kan praat as jy nie direk met oupa kan praat nie?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/03

In practice, it obviously depends on the family and its policies and customs. Nowadays, I'd think it was uncommon. But as we've discussed so often, physical punishment is both much less effective than psychological re-training - a clear set of rules, unwanted consequences for breaking them ( such as no TV for a day, grounding, whatever ), and rewards for keeping to the rules ( something parents too often forget, giving rewards randomly, so they are not truly rewarding and don't encourage anything except just expecting goodies to arrive frequently ).
In the situation you describe, it's not surprising the kid feels scared of oupa, as the smacks came pout of the blue, unexpectedly, and probably in his small mind aren't really related to his playing with his cars.
Maria is right, oupa must be calmly and pleasantly told that this is not his role and that his parents have drawn up the rules and penalties, and want to stick to those, and he should report to them if the boy is being outrageous. The actual offense on the child' side sounds trivial and not deserving of a violent response - and of course that is the other snag with oupa's sort of discipline - it teaches kids that its OK to be violent to get what you want, and to be violent when you're angry.
And she's right, too - where was ouma in all this, and how can she help ?

Reply to cybershrink

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