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Question
Posted by: mommy | 2009-04-17

Grandmother Died

Hi, My grandmother died yesterday, and I' m not sure how to feel about this. I feel sad for my dad, he had so much sorrow/emotional pain growing up. She chose the brother and sister over him etc. While I was pregant, she said over the phone that she wishes that I get so many stomach cramps that the baby will just fall out (the chances of a miscarriage was 50/50). She was old then, but it still hurt. The last time I saw her was Feb last year when my dad said that we should just let her know about my baby' s death. She cried, and insisted on a funeral letter. She never saw my baby, I also did not allow it to happen. In the meantime I started to accept that she was just old and senile when she said that, and didn' t mean that. I wanted to visit her on her birthday, but couldn' t get away from the office, so I have some self regret. I feel very sad for my dad and I don' t know how to comfort him, because he knew how I felt about her.

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Our expert says:
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Sorry to hear of your loss. One feels how one feels ; there are no rules about how you are supposed to feel. Your dad may find it espeially difficult, as mourning is often harder when the relationship was ambivalent and where there had been early problems between them. And similarly, it sounds as though, for whatever reason, your grandmother was cruel and unpleasant at times. Don't allow yourself to fel guilty, as that isn't useful for you or for her. As for your dad, the best way to be helpful isnt to have some mavellous things to say to him, but to simply make it clear to him that you know this isn['t easy for him, and that he may have mixed feelings, and that you are available to listen if and when he wants to talk a bout it

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