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Question
Posted by: johan | 2012/05/08

got HIV at 50 while married

married 8 years this year. never had any sex during my marriage. my wife has cleanliness issues,I am diabetic and sweat at times and she couldnt handle that. so we stop having sex. i do love her and decided to live with that. but at a point i did do the wrong things in order to satisfy my needs. earlier this year i had unprotected sex I am white the girl is white she said she is a student and needed the money. one sad 15 minutes. I just recently spend 5 weeks in hospital and lost 15 kg. obviously i want to save this marriage my wife refuses professional help cause she said nobody was ever in her situation. she abuse me know verbally and you can imagine the mood in the house. i know i messed up badly. she is a very subburn person. how can i change my approach to her. on the end i can only live that long in my current situation, pls help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry to hear this very sad story, J, and hope nobody among the readers tries to show off by unpleasantly criticising the mistake you well know you made.
For yopur wife to have refused sex for so long is unreasonable and cruel, and more than balances your single unfortunate episode of straying. For her now to act cruelly and supply verbal abuse, is unreasonable and ugly. For her to refuse professional help on the ridiculous excuse that 'nobody was ever in her situation " ( Lord, what a grandiose and silly excuse ! There is nothing at all unique or special about her other than her selfishness )is also unacceptable. If your life span is indeed shortened ( you will have been advised by your doctors ) its wholly unaccceptable that she should chose to make this time as miserable as she can, rather than being supportive and kindly, and recognizing the causative cruelty of her frigidity.
The priority needs to become focussing on your own psychological and health needs, and if she is unable or unwilling to help, and refuses to sincerely work in marriage counselling to improve things between you, you may be better off without her. tg least see a personal counsellor, for your own sake, to evaluate your alternatives and make a wise decision for your future.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jonatas | 2012/06/01

NO, Concealment of sexually trbsnmissiale diseases, regardless of its nature and this includes HIV is not a crime under the Philippine law unless connected to any of the Following crimes as prescribed by R.A. (Republic Act) 3815, as amended, or the Revised Penal Code b. Article 335 Rape c. Article 337 Qualified seduction  andd. Article 338 Simple seductionR.A. 7659, or the Death Penalty Act, specifically Sec. 11, paragraph 5 Rape, when the offender knows that he is afflicted with AIDS  andR.A. 8353 or the Anti-Rape Law of 1997, specifically Sec. 2 Rape, when the offender knows that he is afflicted with Human Immuno-Deficiency Virus HIV/AIDS or any other sexually transmitted disease and the virus or disease is trbsnmissiale to the victim.Concussions: HIV/AIDS in the Philippines criminal law is treated in the same way all other sexually trbsnmissiale diseases  moreover, HIV is not among the dangerous, loathsome or contagious diseases referred to in the Immigration Code (Sec. 29). The freedom of abode, lodging and travel of a person with HIV shall not be abridged. No person shall be quarantined, placed in isolation, or refused lawful entry into or deported from Philippine territory on account of his/her actual, perceived or suspected HIV status.For further information you might visit:NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING I AGREE WITH THIS, I AM JUST EXPLAINING WHAT IS IN THE PHILIPPINE LAW.

Reply to Jonatas
Posted by: Gracie | 2012/05/08

I feel so sorry for you and I cannot believe that your wife can be so hearless - her attitude towards you is sickening and so sad and unnecessary! May God be with you during this difficult time. Your marriage has runs its course - you should get out - you can still be happy with someone else who will not judge and/or condemn you for the mistake you made! All the very best for the future!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Maria | 2012/05/08

I was reacting to the fact that he mentioned himself and the girl being white. However it was an unnecessary comment and I apologise.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Romany | 2012/05/08

Maria.... be assured that people of all races all over the world know VERY WELL that HIV and STI''s are not selective with their victims. It will be plain stupid to assume only people from a certain race wil get it. So.... inappropriate start to your post and of no relevance at all....

To Johan.
As CS said, it will be cruel to "  unpleasantly criticising the mistake you made" . Mainly because it can be justified.

However...... daily HIV and AIDS are pretty much all over the place. Even young children, living in rural areas know what it means to " condomise" , so, yes, do believe, although it is to late now to cast blame, it is a fact that you SHOULD HAVE KNOW BETTER but to have unprotected sex.
The only way, given the circumstances as per your post, how this " relationship (as it is NOT a marraige) can work, is if the 2 of you agree to live differently. IE compromise, she does not want sex and you do. You want to live in one house. Move to another room and live together as friends. She can then happily NOT have sex with you and you have the option of having SAFE sex with someone else.
If she will not budge. you need to concider leaving this relationship.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Maria | 2012/05/08

Sorry but is it news to you that white people can get HIV and other STI''s?

It''s a great pity that your wife won''t support you, especially since she didn''t take into account your needs. There doesn''t seem to be a lot of love in your marriage. Tell your wife that a doctor doesn''t have to have had a heart transplant in order to perform one, it''s what he is trained to do. Similarly therapists are trained to help people who have problems they have not experienced. Besides, she is hardly the first person whose spouse became HIV positive. You can try showing your love to her in many ways, reacting calmly when she abuses you and telling her you''re sorry. But if she cannot find it in her heart to forgive you, you will be better off without her. You need to focus your energies on your health, and she is breaking you down emotionally.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/08

Sorry to hear this very sad story, J, and hope nobody among the readers tries to show off by unpleasantly criticising the mistake you well know you made.
For yopur wife to have refused sex for so long is unreasonable and cruel, and more than balances your single unfortunate episode of straying. For her now to act cruelly and supply verbal abuse, is unreasonable and ugly. For her to refuse professional help on the ridiculous excuse that 'nobody was ever in her situation " ( Lord, what a grandiose and silly excuse ! There is nothing at all unique or special about her other than her selfishness )is also unacceptable. If your life span is indeed shortened ( you will have been advised by your doctors ) its wholly unaccceptable that she should chose to make this time as miserable as she can, rather than being supportive and kindly, and recognizing the causative cruelty of her frigidity.
The priority needs to become focussing on your own psychological and health needs, and if she is unable or unwilling to help, and refuses to sincerely work in marriage counselling to improve things between you, you may be better off without her. tg least see a personal counsellor, for your own sake, to evaluate your alternatives and make a wise decision for your future.

Reply to cybershrink

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