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Question
Posted by: Lulu3 | 2012/08/07

Going crazy

Dear CyberShrink

I''m not sure where to start but I know I need help/advice. I''m a 35 year old female  usually I''m quite level headed and I''ve got a good job in a high managerial position. Work is very important to me and I''m very good at what I do. However... when it comes to personal relationships it feels as if I''m losing (or have lost) my mind. I have major trust issues and find it so difficult to trust anyone. I always think/believe the worst and whilst doing this I work myself into a state of panic  thinking the worst over and over again. I''m in a lesbian relationship and my partner is quite the opposite of my personality - she''s outgoing and friendly and definitely an optimist where as I am a pessimist always thinking (and then also believing) the worst. This leads to verbal arguments on an ongoing basis. I lose my temper and get so angry that I time and again say we should rather leave the entire relationship. Although this isn''t what I want to do because I love her dearly. I get upset, she gets upset and we fight  after the fight I regret it and want to make things good again. I want to trust her but I always think the worst - why? I don''t want to be like that. I want to accept what she tells me as the truth and believe it. In my mind I think every other woman is a threat to me. Obviously as you can imagine she is getting fed-up with me and told me she does not want to live her life like that, which I fully understand but it''s as if I can''t stop myself. For example: She is in Pretoria at the moment and I’ m in Cape Town. She just started a new job this week and she''s on the road with a younger single female and another male colleague. I have not seen or met any of them but instantly I have this fear in me that she is going to cheat on me. She phoned me at 7pm last night and said they are going to eat supper at the guesthouse and we''ll talk after that. By 9pm I had worked up so bad that I completely lost the plot again  I was upset and instead of just asking how her first day was etc. I freaked out.

Doc, I need help with my jealousy, with my anger and with loving myself. Please help otherwise I''ll lose a stunning woman that actually loves me with all my imperfections.

And another thing  I know I shouldn''t react the way I do and do things differently but still I react in this way.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Opposites sometimes start by attracting, and then repelling each other. Differences that seemed refreshingly diferent can become annoying in time. And while it seems fair to expect ourselves to be equally effective in all areas of life, this is actually uncommon, especially when different skills and attitudes are needed in these fields of ativity.
Some of us start out by finding it harder to trust others ; others of us have bad experiences earlier in life which convince us that it is risky to trust others.
As you are recognizing, one of the problems with excessive jealousy and suspiciousness is that it can eventually create the very situation you fear, even when it was really highly unlikely before this.
Consider either or both individual counselling to explore and help you to change your basic problems of trust ( CBT style counselling would probably be most effective, as it aims at changing unhelpful assumptions like that ) and perhaps some couples counselling for the pair of you, to improve how each of you handle any crises or issues which arise

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lulu3 | 2012/08/07

Hi Liza

Thanks a million.

I''ll be sure to contact them for a list.

Reply to Lulu3
Posted by: Liza | 2012/08/07

CBT stands for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Contact the Depression and Anxiety group helpline (number is at the top of the page) for a list of therapists close to your area who offer CBT.

Unfortunately we aren''t allowed to give direct referrals on this site.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Lulu3 | 2012/08/07

Thanks for the advice.

What is CBT counselling? Do you perhaps have contact details for this in the Cape Town area?

Reply to Lulu3
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/07

Opposites sometimes start by attracting, and then repelling each other. Differences that seemed refreshingly diferent can become annoying in time. And while it seems fair to expect ourselves to be equally effective in all areas of life, this is actually uncommon, especially when different skills and attitudes are needed in these fields of ativity.
Some of us start out by finding it harder to trust others ; others of us have bad experiences earlier in life which convince us that it is risky to trust others.
As you are recognizing, one of the problems with excessive jealousy and suspiciousness is that it can eventually create the very situation you fear, even when it was really highly unlikely before this.
Consider either or both individual counselling to explore and help you to change your basic problems of trust ( CBT style counselling would probably be most effective, as it aims at changing unhelpful assumptions like that ) and perhaps some couples counselling for the pair of you, to improve how each of you handle any crises or issues which arise

Reply to cybershrink

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