Our expert says:
I'm very sympathetic to your concerns and sadness, but your message gets lost in too many words.
I wish it were possible for us, when starting relationships, to put on the brakes slightly and try to avoid leaping to Very large Conclusions about how marvellous the Other Person is, and how monumantal this relationship must be.
There's value in taking time to really get to know someone before drawing major conclusions. Much of the most painful disapppointment comes from mdiscovering that the magnificent beast we convinced ourselves we had encountered, is merely human.
Early on, you genuinely KNOW very little about the other person - most of what it feels as though you know, is what you hope for, and what you guess.
She sounds, maybe related to her age, very aware of wanting to be financially supported and indeed treated by whoever she goes out with, and to have unpleasantly expensive tastes.
She is NOT "old school", but greedy, fussy and utterly self-centred. She wants to call the shots and have you pay for the ammunition. An old-school woman might have expected the man to pay for outings, but wouldn't expect to insist on expensive venues and treats.
That at her age, with a solid job, she is in debt, and wastes her entire income is a VERY BAD SIGN indeed, and you should take serious wrning about this. Anyone who spends their entire income is foolish in the extreme. And you should never dream of accepting the invitation to allow her to spend your entire income as well.
No wonder she's 36 and despite many relationship isn't married. Isn't there a species of spider where the female eats its partner after mating ?
You sound like a sensible and thrifty guy who should avoid such people like the plague.
She was APPARENTLY affectionate at first, in order to ensnare you, and is still on the dating sites, looking for a richer guy to suck dry as her next partner.
You were totally right to question all that was going on, and you should reject her determination to control you. Its all about her.
She doesn't want someone "emotionally secure" ; she wants a sucker who will give everything she wants and expects nothing whatever in return. That's utterly cold-blooded.
She is FAR, far, more inadequate as a basic human being than you.
Don't waste a minute on trying to fix this relationship - she doesn't want it fixed. She wants it profitable. Its impossible to "make it better" , that's, as the saying goes, like trying to polish a turd.
She has no respect for you at all. You are a loving and loveable person, but sadly you're looking for love from someone who has none to give except to herself.
Don't allow her to humiliate you. Its not you who were inadequate, it was her. It is her who was not good enough for you. If indeed she has left you, congratulations ! If not, flee !
See a counsellor / psychologist by all means, but to deal with your issues of self-respect and self-esteem, not to mutilate yourself to meet her expectations. She's already moving on to her next victim. You deserve a genuine and loving woman, and there are many out there, not this vampire.
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