Posted by: Mary II | 2012-01-17

Getting over him

Dear Prof. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years. It basically was emotional abuse and blackmail. Physically he withdrew from me but never got physically violent as such as well. Financially and materialisticaly he helped me tremendously, whenever I had a problem he was always there to help. But although I appreciated everything he did for me I became more and more unhappy and depressed, even almost committing suicide on day. For the past few months I have been on antidepressants and I started not to want to be in his presence, although I could not sever contact completely. Now I reached a point where I am ready to let go and accept this is a losing battle. Today I told him we are not working out and we should go our seperate ways. This did not bother him and he says its my choice. So I have deleted him and really want to try to become healthy without him. BUT now I am starting to stress at the thought of not seeing him again ever. And then I remind myself how unhappy I was with him. I find myself each time almost contacting him again, the finality of it all is almost too much for me. How do I stay away from this guy, accept that its now really over and move on? PS I have a lot of other things in my life that is succesful and demands lots of my time, so it is not that he was my whole life. Its just that I am so wrapped up in what I wanted us to be. Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

THe emotional turmoil you have been expriencing should NOT be dealt with solely with antidepressants, and you should be seeing a counsellor as well.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Caro | 2012-01-18

It is never easy to let go - even if the relationship made you more sad than happy. Write down all the reasons why you should go back and on the other side all the reasons you shoould stay away. Put it as a wall paper or screen saver where you can see it often.

Force yourself to smile. Go out with friends and do fun stuff. Get rid of all reminders of him - all txts and t-shirts.

Buy a bok of jokes. Listen to happy songs on your i-pod. Dance to rock music in your lounge. Especially listen to fast dance songs in the car before work as this will pick yu up for the day.

BTW - I am in the same boat.
All the best to both of us and whoever else is getting out of a toxic relationship.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. No heartache is ever trivial and one seldom forgets but time is your best ally.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: XXX | 2012-01-18

Remember the song " Breaking up is hard to do" ...... as hard as it might be,it is totally unacceptable to allow yourself to be abused,violently or otherwise.It would appear to me that it is best if you move on and forget this guy.
Try and get out and participate in sport,go to movies,visit family/friends and even slowly start thinking about dating someone else.
Best of luck

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Obvious | 2012-01-18

Well if you continue to hound him enough he may take out a restraining order. Can you plant a seed in his mind for him to do this? Tell him you are sorry to bother him and hope he wont go to the police like your last BF did.
Perhaps the threat of arrest would be enough for you to pull yourself together...................

Obviously u need therapy CS will advise.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Mary II | 2012-01-18

LOL, I tried that as well, and definitely burned the bridges. Still I can''t let go. I have been crying since last night, and have contacted him twice since I wrote this. I am so obsessed and sad. Seems like no amount of counceling or pills will help me with letting go :-(

Reply to Mary II
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-01-18

THe emotional turmoil you have been expriencing should NOT be dealt with solely with antidepressants, and you should be seeing a counsellor as well.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Obvious | 2012-01-17

How about insulting him so badly that if you did contact him again he would not be interested?
Tell him he was sexually inadequate in technique and equipment.
Its called burning your bridges and works every time.
As he was so abusive it would be good to leave him with a bruised ego.........................

Reply to Obvious

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