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Question
Posted by: Sensible | 2011/05/06

Getting married but not interested

Hello Prof
I am getting married on 28 May but sadly I don''t feel excited at all. Instead, I am getting attracted to a married colleague. I have been with my partner for 4 years now and he is the type who is always away (not on business). He just likes spending time outside. It has been like this with him since I met him. I have pointed out this to him and he stays one Sat but the next he continues with his ways. But anyway, we are getting married and now my dilemma is a colleague I just cannot resist. Do you think I have a fear or getting married? Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Did you ever feel excited and pleased about this, at all? Or have you just lost some of the excitement in the stress and anxiety of weding preparations?

Your partner is not likely to change his ways, especially as you know him well, and have agreed to marry him AS HE IS.

The colleague is probably a form of imaginary escape. You CAN and should resist him, especially as he is married, and you should not ever encourage a married person to be unfaith ful to their wife and family just to make you feel temporarily happier.

Rather arrange to see a couples counsellor together with your fiancee, and postpone the wedding until you are sure you really want to go ahead with it or to call it off.

Do not go ahead and get married to someone you feel so little love for, and who doesn't seem to show a great deal of love for you, either.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: erinj | 2011/06/07

Life takes strange terms doesn''t it ? It seems to me that you and your fiance need to have some discussions. a professional marriage counselor may be able to help you clear up your confusion.
Attraction certainly doesn''t mean action, but this close to marrying your man gives rise to concern. Add to that your comments about the current relationship and if I were you ( which I am not) I would delay the marriage . There''s a right man out there for you , this may not be it . Good luck to you .

Reply to erinj
Posted by: Tanya | 2011/05/29

So how did it turn out? Did you marry your fiancee?

Reply to Tanya
Posted by: Doc M | 2011/05/19

Get out now, and save yourself alot of trouble.

Reply to Doc M
Posted by: Nono | 2011/05/18

People, stop judging and start thinking objectively, all you know is to judge other people when you have your own skeletons in your closets, all this lady is asking for is advise not your destructive opinions - why is it so difficult to for people to honestly give advise and guidence rather than give opinion based on your own sad experiences?

Reply to Nono
Posted by: Sensible | 2011/05/09

Thank you all for your responses. Sorry for overreacting Romany, it''s out of my character. I guess I''m a bit stressed about the whole situation. And thanks Prof too. I think your suggestion of a couple therapy will work.

Reply to Sensible
Posted by: Romany | 2011/05/09

Like Truth said. I pitty your man. Probably excited about getting married, starting a life with his new wife, a home, a family.
And you? You are only thinking of a " is a colleague I just cannot resist"  and "  getting attracted to a married colleague " 
Have you seen how many women iand men write on this forum (and others) craving what you have? A partner, someone to share life with, someone to " grow old with"  etc etc
No, in my opinion (that is if you want it) I do NOT think you should get married to this man. I think you will be making a huge mistake.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/07

Did you ever feel excited and pleased about this, at all? Or have you just lost some of the excitement in the stress and anxiety of weding preparations?

Your partner is not likely to change his ways, especially as you know him well, and have agreed to marry him AS HE IS.

The colleague is probably a form of imaginary escape. You CAN and should resist him, especially as he is married, and you should not ever encourage a married person to be unfaith ful to their wife and family just to make you feel temporarily happier.

Rather arrange to see a couples counsellor together with your fiancee, and postpone the wedding until you are sure you really want to go ahead with it or to call it off.

Do not go ahead and get married to someone you feel so little love for, and who doesn't seem to show a great deal of love for you, either.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/06

Hi Sensible- an apt name?
Romany never accussed you of having an affair but pointed out the down side of doing so - I think you owe her an apology for your unwarented outburst!
You should have also learned in the play ground how to treat people with respect ,kindness and dignity and not plan to marry someone and set a date when your heart is not really in it.

Somewhere out there is a man that believes in 22 days he is going to marry a woman who loves him - lets hope he learned forgiveness in the playground.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Sensible | 2011/05/06

Thanks Woman and Truth. I think you get my point and dilemma. I am 35, mature and have never cheated on anyone before. And Romany, I DO NOT have an affair with a married man. I say I am attracted to him. Even married people get attracted to other people but do not necessarily have to work on that attraction. That is why I addressed this message to Prof (Cybershink), as a professional, and not just to any layman like you and me. I always practice what I have learnt on the playground in primary school years ago: If you do not have anything nice to say about someone, don''t say anything.

Reply to Sensible
Posted by: Woman | 2011/05/06

We date people to see whether we would be able to spend a life with someone. I think you should call off your wedding and think carefully. Otherwise, a few years down the line, you might have kids and then you want a divorce (or he does, if you embark on affairs).

You are clearly not ready, and he is just mr. good enough, not the ONE. Please do not make a mistake that you will regret.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/06

You are not interested,excited in getting married!
You are attracted to another man!
You do not share your intendeds interests!
Your betrothed does not listen to you!
You cannot resist cheating on your fiance!
I do not know if you have a fear of getting married but you should not be marrying this man!

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Romany | 2011/05/06

Your possible" fear of getting married"  aside, I think you should go and sit somewhere and think carefully about what you are saying here....

Do you have any idea of the implications to get involved with a MARRIED man? Just ask yourself a couple of questions here....
Do you want to ruin a familie''s life? Take their father away from him?
I am not even going to get into this. I think you are just stupid to even consider something that has so many implications and negative consequences.
By the way, enjoy your wedding and may you have a long and happy, blessed life together. May no-one ever take your husband and the father to your future children away from you.

Reply to Romany

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