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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/07/13

Getting back with an ex.

Is it wise to get back with an ex-boyfriend? My ex-boyfriend, who is also the father of my 4yr old has come back into my life after a 3yr breakup. Many factors played a part in our breakup  I think I was obsessed with him and not trusting. We eventually ended our 3 year relationship because he cheated on me.
We have been in contact over the past years for the sake of our child but nothing happened in terms of a relationship. Now he has come back into my life and I think we both grew up over the past years and now realise what is important. However, I always have doubt in my mind that he may cheat on me again and therefore cannot completely commit to him. We haven’ t really raised this issue because he believes that things have happened in the past and we should forget it and move on. My little girl is very happy because she is now spending time with both her parents but I feel that I have been a good parent and would be wrong for me to only take her feelings into consideration.
The big question is should I go into this with caution or should I give up now based on how I was hurt in the past? Your advice will be appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your concerns are natural and sensible, and while his wish that you both pretend that no such thing happened is understandable and convenient, it isn't wise. COuples counselling would be a good idea - such concerns have to be addressed and worked through rather than ignored, if one wants to avoid a repetition of the originating problems.
We do all tend to grow up, but not always in every area in which that would be desirable. And of course it's so much easier to claim than to actually achieve.

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Our users say:
Posted by: XXX | 2010/07/13

As long as you are both able to forgive and forget you have a chance.If you are going to always throw up past issues and have problems with trust,then it will be almost impossible to make things work.
If you lay down ground rules for each other,then I see no reason why you should not try again.
You need to have a good line of communication between yourselves.
Good luck

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Woman | 2010/07/13

You need to speak to each other, you need to openly discuss matters. If you sweep things under the rug now, imagine how much dust there''ll be after 5 years. Enough to fall over and really hurt yourself. :)

You''re right, people do grow up, you''re not the same person are you? Give him the benefit of the doubt, but make sure you learn how to talk honestly and openly to each other - and listen without judgement. Maybe he needs to clear the air too - a break up is never only the fault of one person. Apologise to him if you have to. Then you''ll have a good foundation for another try.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Rick | 2010/07/13

The thing is, people rarely change their base nature. What caused you to break up is a fundamental issue, not a small matter! Trust is huge, and lack of trust is even huger. If I am betrayed its over for ever, I will always see that person in the arms of my partner, how can I live with that on a daily basis? I put that to you.

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Lin | 2010/07/13

I would suggest that you both go for relationship counselling before getting back together. The counsellor would help you through the stuff that bothers you both. And then if you decide to get back together, you can start new.

Reply to Lin
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/13

Your concerns are natural and sensible, and while his wish that you both pretend that no such thing happened is understandable and convenient, it isn't wise. COuples counselling would be a good idea - such concerns have to be addressed and worked through rather than ignored, if one wants to avoid a repetition of the originating problems.
We do all tend to grow up, but not always in every area in which that would be desirable. And of course it's so much easier to claim than to actually achieve.

Reply to cybershrink

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