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Posted by: Gay stud | 2011/01/11

Gentle please

Hi Glen and fellow mates

I have been gay for as long as I can remember, had numerous relationships which ended in heartache because of my preference of sex, I am as gay as you get, but I prefer sex with the female species which I don''t date. Before I enter a relationship I make it clear to my partner-to-be and at first they fine with it, but as time goes on they start to label me as bi-sexual.

I have never had a relationship with a female since Matric and don't intend to have on. Why do gay studs run away from me when the in-love stage turns to Love, like the post by Brad I am confused...Is this a lack of respect to the gay community???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Gay Stud and thanks for posing.

You are confusing two unrelated issues: sexual identity versus sexual behaviour. You can identify as anything you want to - many MSM (men who have sex with men) do not know, or uncomfortable with the term "gay". If you wanted to you could identify as a lemon tree, if that made sense to you. However, sexual behaviour is about what we do sexually, and who we prefer to do this with.

It sounds as if you prefer having sex with women (and I assume this is vaginal, as opposed to anal sex) but that you are more emotionally attracted to men and would prefer to bond with a man in a romantic sense. However, I think you may be expecting a bit much of the average gay guy to enter into an enduring relationship with you which will be asexual. What about his needs?

While some gay guys aren't into anal sex, the average gay men isn't into vaginal sex either. I'm curious as to whether your internal sexual fantasies focus more on women or on men, and how your last relationship with a woman ended.

All said, identifying as gay but only having sex with women sounds a bit whacky. It would be easier to change your identity than to change your behaviour, so you may want to consider trying out the brand of being 'bi' for a while.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gay Stud | 2011/01/12

Thanks LONEWOLF I will be sure not to forget to inform my partner of it, but I do look to get married and then obviously it has to come to an end ...at least I will be a virgin on the night of my wedding....LOL

Reply to Gay Stud
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2011/01/12

Hi Gay Stud. All I am trying to say was that what you describe might be somewhat unusual to many gay men. I have had sex with a number of bisexual guys, and have no issues with it (well I have very few issues when it comes to sex with men). Never any kind of relationship though.
Look at it from this perspective. In the cases where I had sex with bisexual married/relationship men, the women in this equation might feel the same as the gay men you were involved with?
In my mind the solution would lie in proper communication and open cards from day 1. If you partner does not accept/like your preference, then call it a day. If you can convince him it is only an urge you want follow from time to time, but there are (pardon the old term) no-strings-attached, no interference in your relationship etc. it could work.
All the best. Hope this help

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Gay stud | 2011/01/12

Firstly where I come from you get gay and you get straight no inbetween reason for saying it gets frown upon,
Secondly I have yet to meet a bi sexual in my town maybe they hiding away LOL
Thirdly Anon oral sex only with men.
Fouthly Glen I never hit it off with women when I was young, it was usually just the one night stand sex.
I get the point of being " Bi"  becuase of my sexual preferences, but I am clear on what I want, and it is no anal only vaginal, but I am not going to classify myself as " BI"  as it won''t really say who I am or what I am about, as I have been a proud gay man for many years

Reply to Gay stud
Posted by: Anon | 2011/01/11

And what about oral sex, can that be with either a man or a woman?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Neil | 2011/01/11

Two things: firstly, being gay or straight or bi or a lemon tree (quoting Glenn) isn''t about the sex you have - straight people also have anal sex. Secondly, I don''t think people really frown at bisexual people any more? I''m not sure where you got that from - there''s absolutely nothing wrong with being bi!

Reply to Neil
Posted by: Gay Stud | 2011/01/11

Peter like I said I do not have anal sex...hench the reason for female sex

Reply to Gay Stud
Posted by: Peter | 2011/01/11

Hi, the very fact that you enjoy sex with both sexes does indeed make you bi-sexual, unfortunately a lot of people frown upon this activity you need to find like minded people who will enjoy the same experiences

Reply to Peter
Posted by: Gay Stud | 2011/01/11

Uncommon it is ya... as I am buffled with the responses I get from my peers when the discusion get brought up...So LONEWOLF say for instance I am Bi-sexual would that constitute to betrayal towards the gay or straight community, cause I don''t see myself ever dating or kissing a female just having sex with them, as the anal does turn my off, I prefer playing with each other, caressing, touching and BJ''s, and why is Bi-sexuallity being frowned upon by gay and straight, I feel really left out and isolated when it comes to this topic, yes if you into guys you should only be into guys that I do understand but if the urge is there to have sex with a female it is there and it is not like I am picking up women left right and centre, I would pay a hooker or if I am lucky get someone who is BI and have a threesome with my partner after 10min the lady needs to leave then it is me and him alone, and it does not happen every month, it is usually every 2-3 months, I know if I marry a guy this has to end but no I am enjoying it and want to make the most of it..

Reply to Gay Stud
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2011/01/11

Very very interesting post.
I would say jealousy. Most guys can be extremely jealous (most will not admit to it), and then of course, some have a " problem"  with sex with a female. Most gay guys I know and have spoken to definitely would not consider sex with a female, and some even express aversion. The reasons for this are another matter.
It might also be that the preference you describe is so unfamiliar (well I never heard of it and I have been around the block and a few cities) to the gay male community as a whole that some simply cannot phantom what you prefer and see it as the ultimate betrayal, or something along those lines.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: gay, lesbian and bisexual expert | 2011/01/11

Hi Gay Stud and thanks for posing.

You are confusing two unrelated issues: sexual identity versus sexual behaviour. You can identify as anything you want to - many MSM (men who have sex with men) do not know, or uncomfortable with the term "gay". If you wanted to you could identify as a lemon tree, if that made sense to you. However, sexual behaviour is about what we do sexually, and who we prefer to do this with.

It sounds as if you prefer having sex with women (and I assume this is vaginal, as opposed to anal sex) but that you are more emotionally attracted to men and would prefer to bond with a man in a romantic sense. However, I think you may be expecting a bit much of the average gay guy to enter into an enduring relationship with you which will be asexual. What about his needs?

While some gay guys aren't into anal sex, the average gay men isn't into vaginal sex either. I'm curious as to whether your internal sexual fantasies focus more on women or on men, and how your last relationship with a woman ended.

All said, identifying as gay but only having sex with women sounds a bit whacky. It would be easier to change your identity than to change your behaviour, so you may want to consider trying out the brand of being 'bi' for a while.

Reply to gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

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