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Posted by: Unique | 2010/10/21

FYI Cybershrink - Re Inconsiderate - cont

Hi,

I agree with you about the abuse of the cultures and the cultures having been developed many years ago. I''m a victim of such abuse where a visitor must bring something and a hosts makes sure that the visitor leaves with something - this is more valid for like a solid visit not for people dropping by for an hour I think. With one particular associate I always bring something and leave with nothing. When they visit they bring nothing and leave with something.

My point is

1) We as a society have not found a way to deal with such cultures. I believe the abusers are pushing us to a solution though.
2) If you were raised in that culture it is difficult to just abandon it at a sight of one abuser. it takes time. You feel like a criminal and yet you should not tolerate the abuse.
3) it is not useful to throw away the baby with the bath water just because there are abusers. Hospitality is good culture for us to retain in general - and yes we must skill ourselves to deal with abusers exclusively.

In the example that I gave above, after much guilt I decided that this particular visitor will leave with nothing if she came with nothing. In the case of permanent guests we decided to always buy the tickets for the bus back - this, although expensive keeps us in control on when people go without directly asking for departure date.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Thanks for your wise and interesting comments, U !
An excellent example of some of what I mean. They remember the bit abou receiving something, but conveniently forget about giving anything. I don't think we should discard our cultures, obviously, but I do think we should revise them. I suspect if we look around the world, the more successful countries and cultures are those who have adapted and revised their cultures to meet changing circumstances, not those who insist on adhering exactly to the way things were done hundreds of years ago, nor those who tolerate the sort of cultural abuse you are mentioning.
In the eternal guest problem, I have known people keep to the spirit of the tradition but protect theemselves, by earnestly offering help to the guest - helping them find a job and a new place, or if that is not what they want, helping tem to get home again. One acts as though one assumes they would of course want to do the right thing, and help them to do that. You might not ask them to name a departure date, but while announcing that you want to help by getting them their ticket home, ask them if any particular date would suit them better.
And its fairer to others, as well as to yourselves. If the first guest greedily eats all the food and drinks all the beer, there's nothing left to enable you to be hospitable to anyone else.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Unique | 2010/10/21

Sorry the first point is meant to read:
We as a society have not found a way to deal with abusers of the cultures.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/21

Thanks for your wise and interesting comments, U !
An excellent example of some of what I mean. They remember the bit abou receiving something, but conveniently forget about giving anything. I don't think we should discard our cultures, obviously, but I do think we should revise them. I suspect if we look around the world, the more successful countries and cultures are those who have adapted and revised their cultures to meet changing circumstances, not those who insist on adhering exactly to the way things were done hundreds of years ago, nor those who tolerate the sort of cultural abuse you are mentioning.
In the eternal guest problem, I have known people keep to the spirit of the tradition but protect theemselves, by earnestly offering help to the guest - helping them find a job and a new place, or if that is not what they want, helping tem to get home again. One acts as though one assumes they would of course want to do the right thing, and help them to do that. You might not ask them to name a departure date, but while announcing that you want to help by getting them their ticket home, ask them if any particular date would suit them better.
And its fairer to others, as well as to yourselves. If the first guest greedily eats all the food and drinks all the beer, there's nothing left to enable you to be hospitable to anyone else.

Reply to cybershrink

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