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Question
Posted by: Johannes | 2010-08-16

Future mother in law

Good afternoon,

Please assist me with ANY advise. I''m getting married next year and my mother in law is really going to drive me CRAZY! She is a very good and loving person but she is just too much!

I recently moved into my own place. She already bought and still want to buy me stuff. Stuff that I don''t really need. I do appreciate that she cares for me and wants to help me but I really don''t need it. I want to find my own feet with my new place and look after myself. Even after I told her I will ask IF I need anything she will phone me from a shop telling me she saw something I would like and she wants to buy it for me. I say NO to EVERYTHING. But still she doesn''t stop.

My parents didn''t even have a chance to share this moment in my life with me because mother in law is always there. She is too much for me.

She is a control freak basically and she is interfering with MY life. I don''t know how to ask/tell her to but out! I don''t want to start a family fight but something has to be done. I need to be very firm in a " polite"  manner.

She even phones me 2 to 3 times daily! And if I don''t see then for a week she will e-mail me that she misses me! I cant handle this! Not even my own parents are bothering me like this!

Please help!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

if she is determined to buy you stuff, plan a pleasant sit-down coffee morning with her, to say how much you appreciate all her caring, and you'd like to help her understand YOUR taste, the styles and things you like. Maybe mention a couple of things you DO need, and clarify the many things she might think of, but which you DON'T need.
Explain that you're an independent sort of person, an really want to do things your own way, so that you can become more clearly independent -like she is. ( that's a complimentary way of asking her to do less for you ).
When you have a control freak in the family, give them something harmless to control. That's much easier that fighting her over every single thing she tries to control. In a meeting, she's the sort of person you ask to keep the Minutes, so she'll be more busy writing down what the rest of us say than thinking of things to say, herself.
And ask your fiancee, who presumably has had much longer experience of coping with her !

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: lilly | 2010-08-18

eish! speak to her gently, you coudl also not always answer the phone (just say you were busy with something). Distance yourself a little and tell your fiance how you feel.. he might better be able to subtely (!) get her to back off a bit without hurting her feelilngs.
good luck, just try and see less of her..be kind but focused on your own life. (she will in time learn)
lilly

Reply to lilly
Posted by: lilly | 2010-08-18

eish! speak to her gently, you coudl also not always answer the phone (just say you were busy with something). Distance yourself a little and tell your fiance how you feel.. he might better be able to subtely (!) get her to back off a bit without hurting her feelilngs.
good luck, just try and see less of her..be kind but focused on your own life. (she will in time learn)
lilly

Reply to lilly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-08-16

if she is determined to buy you stuff, plan a pleasant sit-down coffee morning with her, to say how much you appreciate all her caring, and you'd like to help her understand YOUR taste, the styles and things you like. Maybe mention a couple of things you DO need, and clarify the many things she might think of, but which you DON'T need.
Explain that you're an independent sort of person, an really want to do things your own way, so that you can become more clearly independent -like she is. ( that's a complimentary way of asking her to do less for you ).
When you have a control freak in the family, give them something harmless to control. That's much easier that fighting her over every single thing she tries to control. In a meeting, she's the sort of person you ask to keep the Minutes, so she'll be more busy writing down what the rest of us say than thinking of things to say, herself.
And ask your fiancee, who presumably has had much longer experience of coping with her !

Reply to cybershrink

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