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Question
Posted by: Layla | 2010-01-12

Future in-laws

Hi Cs

I just recently got engaged to my bf, we have been together for 2yrs now.
The problem is that I do not feel comfortable around his family which really bothers him.
When we started out I would go around, chat to his mom but when it comes to them I don’ t have much to speak about really.
Its always greet, how am I, my family, where we going, work.
Hmm the conversation is usually over in less than 10mins.
My answers are short and I don’ t really have much to speak to his mom about.

On the other hand he wants me to be tight with his mom etc but I just do not feel comf. With this women.
Its not that I don’ t like her or anything.
After the first few times I went I just tried to avoid going to his place but then he persuaded me to try and spend more time at his place and more often which I did for a couple of months. It never worked so I just reverted back to the norm. of trying as best to avoid us going to his place.
If he forgets something at home or wants to check if his mom is ok if we have been out all day then I stay in the car while he runs in.
I know that is disrespectful but she dsnt know so it wont hurt her.

With his sister aswel, I was friends with her in the beginning but then I kind of sensed another vibe around her and just avoid her too.
The other thing with her is that she told my fiancé  infront of me something that their mutual friend had told her in confidence.
To me this is not a good character and I prefer to distance myself from her.
He always says that he wishes that I could just be myself around them like I am with him.
If they could just see what I’ m really like they would love me as much as he does.
I told him I couldn’ t care less and I’ m not comfortable around them.

Not many people know what I’ m really like, only family and close friends as I do not easily open up to just anyone.
So could it be that the problem is me? Because of the way I am.
I’ m also very blunt and cannot express myself or feelings to people I do not know.
Is it fine for me to not have the type of close relationship that he wants me to have with his mom like her other daughter in-laws have.
I would like to know as this is already causing problems for us.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, so you exchange social pleasantries then fall silent. What more do you know about this woman ? Have you asked about her family, and her life so far ? What are her hobbies or main interests ? What things does she most dislike ? Ther's more to conversation than simply "how's your cat? "
How much have you pleasantly told her about yourself, your interests and achievements ?
Why not consider seeing a couples counsellor together to work on these and related issues ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: kicker | 2010-01-14

It is not easy to deal with in-laws but just remember, when you are with someone, they come with a whole lot of baggage. You do not want to put your partner in a position where he feels uncomfortable when you are around his family.

If you get married things drastically change and you wont be able to hide from his family. Just remember, blood is thicker than water and just remember that you are the water...

try and make an effort and grow up

Reply to kicker
Posted by: Blossom | 2010-01-13

Try to relax in their company and not be too judgemental. you hardly know them how can you judge unless you h
ave concrete evidence that they are not nice or good ? Everyone has flaws. The fact that you love their son must mean they did something right.
Besides, you dont need to be their no. 1 just have a civil mutual understanding with them. Married life without family is hard, especially when there are kids involved. You are gonna need their help in the future, rather forge a solid foundation if you can. If they turn out to be terrible and your suspicions are confirmed, at least you know and can put measures in place to deal with them. Give them a chance I say. Probably easier said than done, I know but I was in a similar situation difference is my inlaws were gossipers, liars and conniving. They expected us to give them financial support etc. and if we couldnt help they said rotten things. So trust me there are a lot of worse people out there.

Reply to Blossom
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-01-12

OK, so you exchange social pleasantries then fall silent. What more do you know about this woman ? Have you asked about her family, and her life so far ? What are her hobbies or main interests ? What things does she most dislike ? Ther's more to conversation than simply "how's your cat? "
How much have you pleasantly told her about yourself, your interests and achievements ?
Why not consider seeing a couples counsellor together to work on these and related issues ?

Reply to cybershrink

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