Posted by: Anon111 | 2009-06-30

Frustrated with in-laws

Hi CS, please see my original post on the 17/12/08. I really, really need some advice please.

Things since December have not gotten any better. MIL just left on the 02/01/09 after spending 3 weeks in my home whilst I was not there, only to come back in March, May and now for the July School Vacation!! Arrived promptly on Sunday and is staying 3 weeks. I only escaped the Easter weekend bec she was having a Pacemaker fitted!!

I have been seeing a pychologist as I am just not coping. She has also been doing some marriage counselling with us but I feel like it is going nowhere - her advice is that they won' t change so I just have to learn to deal with it - I need to just sort of grin and bear it for a few weeks out of the year. This is exactly what I can' t seem to do.

I just feel that this is so grossly unfair on my life. Those " few"  weeks out of the year make be more miserable than I can even describe. The husband as usual is no help and just refuses to understand. I just feel so helpless. I am seeing her as I really want to find a solution to this, but it feels like just another dead end. I don' t want my husband to ignore his family I just want some boundries - he says they are his family and always welcome - families are just like that.

Not only are the visits getting worse, their constant " babying"  of him is just getting too much. My 30 year old husband, got a Winnie the pooh pillow last year, a R2500 remote controlled helicopter 2 months ago and a Monster truck on Sunday - this is just to name a few. I have no kids but my house is filled with tons of toy cars. What do I do? I just feel like walking out of my home and never coming back.

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Our expert says:
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Its really not practical for me to go back an re-read earlier posings, folks -- within the admin secton through which I work on this site, the postings are not numbered, and searching for earlier messages tedious and time-consuming.
It certainly does sound as though MIL is spending more time in your home than in her own --- what is this about ? Have you discussed this with your husband ? Obviously your marriage counsellor / personal counsellor must have gone into all the relevant details, but it sounds rather lame to say you must just accept the unacceptable and let the old woman do whatever she pleases. It shouldn't be hard for your husband to understand, even though she is his mother. What she is doing is selfish and intrusive --- has he not grown adult enough to be able to manage without his mother around all the time ?
Maybe you need to point out to him how much he clearly loves being babied, and to need mothering more than he appreciates having a wife. It is NOT true, as he says, that family members must always take precedence over his wife and his personal direct family --- this is not so.
Your description of his collection of toys is extremely relevant --- this is a big kid, not apparently interested in being a husband. Is it worth you considering moving out for the duration of her visit, to stay with a friend or family of yours, telling him you'll return when he's ready to be a man rather than a boy, and when he wants a wife rather than a mother ? The risk, I suppose, is that she could decide to move in permanently to look after her poor little boy. Is he an only child ? Otherwise consider at least talking with a divorce atorney

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon 111 | 2009-06-30

Thank you for this feedback, I have gotten more out of this than my weekly billed sessions where my counselor just tells me to suck it up His family' s intrusiveness was a major reason why we landed up in therapy.

My husband is not an only child, has an older sister who is equally possessive but work constraints prevent her visiting like the mom does. It' s just the 3 of them and I constantly have to hear what a close knit family they are. MIL' s home life is fine, she is well off, lives a life of luxury - it seems that she thinks that my home is her personal holiday resort.

I need to seriously start weighing out my options and think about divorce as talking to this child is not getting anywhere. He refuses to understand that his family' s happiness should not come at the expense of mine.

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