Posted by: Luvi | 2008-11-19

Frustrated - very long ( pls excuse)

We have been together for 14 yrs know –  We met at Tertiary in 1994. We finaly got married in 2004. This is when I was ready other he first proposed in 1998 but at the time I was starting to find myself as person so I turned him down

We’ ve had our ups and downs but mostly it been up than down until we got married.
In 2006 we got pregnant and unfortunately due to complications we had to terminate. Then the problems started –  He became so distant and then became suspicious at first I thought he was going through a tough time because of what we went through. I snooped around his phone I saw an sms that he was sending to this person that he has arrived at home so she shouldn’ t call.

I confronted him about this and he finally admitted that its somebody he met but it was just telephonic and he will stop. Thing were better and I got pregnant again in 2007 the baby passed on and we went on counseling as there was a lot of trauma. He again became so distant –  we fought about everything and suddenly he became so selfish that he was doing as he pleases regardless of what I say –  These made me very angry and resentful about the way he was treating me. Yes I know we were going through a difficult time and that we mourn differently but I was not deserving the treatment he was giving me.

It became difficult to him to even touch me. Then 2 months back - he was sick (flu) and there was a woman who called our Security company to request help. This made me very angry because how does this woman know our security company is it some one who’ s been to my home when I was not there - he dismissed by saying the lady is the colleague in PTA was trying to make trouble for him and he does not know how she got hold of our sec co no.

I became very depressed and angry ( even thought of killing myself) and I went to the doctor who referred me to the psychologist –  I was diagnosed with depression and undergoing therapy.

He then made a decision which I was against that he will not renew our contract as our lease was coming to an end . He thinks that he needs to work with himself and that he was going to look for the place. That was towards the end of August. I told him that I don’ t agree and that we should go on counseling but as selfish as he is h- he has made the decision so it will have to be that way. He said he does not want the marriage to end he just need time to work with himself and that he still loves me.

I felt so hurt by this and I then looked for a place for myself but in the process , he asked that we need to go a pay rent for the month of Sept. I gave him the money - my assumption was that he had reconsidered his decision. Around the 2nd week of Sept I was in JHB and I received a call from our Agent –  she left a message to call her back.

I called my husband to find out what was happening –  he replied to say that may be its about the viewing of the flat because it did put in the notice –  I asked when were you going to tell me an why did he ask me to pay –  his reply was that I was still in the house by the 2nd the rent had to be paid.

On my arrival at home I made an decision to take over the lease as it will really be a hassle to move and I was comfortable with the place so I called the agent &  took the place over to my name. You know what he stayed with me until the 2nd week of Oct because he claimed he was getting the place –  but I Saudi to him its his decision if he wants to leave he can I won’ t stop him and I will not stoop to his level and ask for rental. He can stay until he found his place –  or whatever he wants to do.

When he left he promised that we will still see each other but to date he is avoiding me –  he’ s been seen with ladies at the taverns. The last time we spoke over the phone he mentioned that he is going through therapy and that he might be back by January.

I am so sick of his games and I just want him to make his decision so I can move on with my life I feel like since I got married my life became stagnant. Yes we’ ve been trough a lot but that does not mean life cannot go on He need to make his decision I can’ t wait for January. I also know he does not like to take a stand he want me to make a decision of his behalf so that he can turn around and say it was me. If he is not happy with me and is not willing to work things through why is he wasting my time like this? Am I wrong to feel like this - i feel like i' m being blamed for the fact that we are in this situation. it takes two to tango.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

His therapy isn't up to much if he's roistering with other ladies at a time like this. Can you ask him if you can see his therapist, to ask about the adviseablilty of joint therapy or ending the relationship. Sounds like he has created the situation, and needs to make it less uncertain and less uncomfortable for you

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