Our expert says:
Obviously your therapist / shrink should be best placed to discuss this with you. As to Bipolar Disorder, probably most move through relaively slow cycles into highs and lows, some are described as "rapid-cycling" and the mood movements are more rapid.
OK, so you have made a probably wise decision not to display your bad and sad moods to everyone ( its usually of little value to do so ) and to appear well and capable - and the dysjunction isn't as large or contradictory as it seems - and BOTh aspects are you. A diamond has many facets, which face in different directions , and at any time, or from any angle, some are shining and some are barely visible. And ALL of that is a diamond.
Your behaviour isn't entirely you - it is what You do, and You could do things differently. And you can change your behaviour very valuably without ever understanding "why" you ever did things in an unhelpful way.
Try not to think orm to make assumptions, in absolutes ? Is your therapist 120 % Sincere ? Maybe not - who is ? But he is way more than sincere enough. How sincere does he have to be to be useful for you ? Develop a sense of "enoughness". Demanding absolute total purity and perfection isn't necessary, and condemns one to spending unnecessarily long periods in the waiting room.
Similarly, you agonize by querying your own sincerity ? Are you totally, eternally, utterly sincere ? I hope not. How boring that could be. But you are way, way, sincere enough.
Maybe try visualizing more of these passing moods, sunny or cloudy, as one adjusts to the weather - OK, here comes a storm, but afterwards, the dust will have been laid and the garden watered, and the sun always does come out if we bother to notice it. Instead of reacting with horror as though the thunder will be eternal, put on a raincoat and plan for the next sunny spell.
Because some of us, like you, can so easily get trapped in habits of second-guessing ( and third-guessing, and so on ) and over-intellectually over-analyzing everything one does, thinks, says, or whatever anyone else does, and this can become more of a full-time occupation than a helpful method. In such situations, more analytical methods can be very counter-productive, and the more cheerfully business-like approach of CBT is refreshingly more useful.
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