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Question
Posted by: diane | 2010/05/03

frustrated

my boyfriend won''t touch or kiss me unless i initiate it.i spoke to him about months ago but i now see that its happening again.i am so hungry for some warm and tender love that i feel extremely lonely.i am attractive and every other man seems to want me except my own.i am not a cheater but i am starting to get tempted to.i won''t cheat though,i would rather leave him.i am tired of talking about this with him or initiating things with him.i need to feel desired too.everything else is fine in the relationship except this area.i masturbate and its great but does not replace the real thing.what should i do now as a last resort? please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Many of us assume that men always have a higher libido than women, and so when this is not the case, then women frequently feel that they are doing something wrong or are no longer attractive to their partner. Whilst relatiionship disatisfaction is a common cause of loss of libido, for men and for women, it may equally be that your boyfriend has a naturally lower libido, a physical problem related to his hormones (this would need to be checked out), or he is suffering with a psychological difficulty - high stress levels, depression, low confidence may also result in a lower libido or avoidance of sexual activity.

I strongly support your decision not to be unfaithful, and would suggest that you ask him what his thoughts about it are. It may be that he could have a physical check up to exclude physiological problems, and/or explore how to drive his response to meet more of your needs (both for affection/warmth and sexual touch). The latter would need to be done with a sex therapist - get him to call SASHA's helpline (0860 100 262) and leave his number so that our administrator can call him back with a list of professionals in your locality.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sexologist | 2010/05/05

Many of us assume that men always have a higher libido than women, and so when this is not the case, then women frequently feel that they are doing something wrong or are no longer attractive to their partner. Whilst relatiionship disatisfaction is a common cause of loss of libido, for men and for women, it may equally be that your boyfriend has a naturally lower libido, a physical problem related to his hormones (this would need to be checked out), or he is suffering with a psychological difficulty - high stress levels, depression, low confidence may also result in a lower libido or avoidance of sexual activity.

I strongly support your decision not to be unfaithful, and would suggest that you ask him what his thoughts about it are. It may be that he could have a physical check up to exclude physiological problems, and/or explore how to drive his response to meet more of your needs (both for affection/warmth and sexual touch). The latter would need to be done with a sex therapist - get him to call SASHA's helpline (0860 100 262) and leave his number so that our administrator can call him back with a list of professionals in your locality.

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: Oldster | 2010/05/04

Just another clear example of why couples should carefully tick all the boxes that affect their personal likes and dislikes before getting married.

Both of you have to know what to expect from one another and be sure of yourself if you decide that his or her little " quirks"  are not going to evolve into some real deal breakers a few years down the line.

A non touchy touchy, kissy kissy person will ne driven to distraction by someone who is always touching and kissing. Make sure you can live with him for ever or make another choice now for someone more suited to you.

Reply to Oldster
Posted by: diane | 2010/05/04

thanx everyone especially u simone.you have said a mouthful and i will certainly take your advice.

Reply to diane
Posted by: simone | 2010/05/04

Getting your partner to pucker up may be as simple as asking him to. Have you ever talked with him about his sparse smooches? Perhaps he doesn''t think you are a " kissy person"  either and may be reluctant to show that side of himself. Or, maybe he doesn''t like public displays of affection (PDA) and would rather pucker up in private.

You may also want to ask yourself, " How kissy is kissy?"  The amount of time you want to spend kissing and cuddling may be different from the amount of time he is comfortable with. Some people are not kissers, some are not open mouth kissers, some worry about their breath, some take in the world orally, and others use their hands. By discussing your feelings about kissing with him, and about what kissing means to you, and by listening to his experience with, ideas about, and comfort with kissing, the two of you will learn a lot about one another. If the two of you can find common ground, you may find a level of kissy-ness that''s perfect for you both.

If not, you may need to find someone else who can shower you with as many kisses as you desire.
Since it takes two people to kiss, have you tried initiating kissing him? If yes, how has he responded? If he has turned away or covered his face, and if he doesn''t admit to anything being physically wrong, you need to begin some dialogue. Let him know that you really like kissing, and that you like to look at him when you''re having sex. He needs to know that this is part of your total experience of sex and of your relationship. Give him a chance to respond  find out if this is just a phase he''s going through, if it has been an unconscious behavior on his part, or if it''s evidence of something else that may be wrong in your relationship.
However, if you love this man, as you write, talk with him, let him know how you feel, and find out what''s going on. It can bring you closer, or give you the information you need to make another choice.

Reply to simone
Posted by: XXX | 2010/05/04

There are so many people in this predicament,it is very sad that a partner can be so selfish with their lack of love.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Trevor | 2010/05/03

Diane, i hear your pain and frustration. My girlfriend is the same as your man. She wont even initiate sex. There is no kissing, fondling, touching. Its just sex - just to get it over and done - wham bam thank you mam. I love foreplay but that does not exists in my relationship. Not sure what advise i can give you as i am in a similiar situation. Have you considered professional help? At the rate things are going i aslo think that i am going to leave. If i may ask how old are you guys?

Reply to Trevor

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