Posted by: Anon111 | 2008-12-17

Frustated with in-laws

Hi, need to know if it is just me or is my frustration valid.

My mother-in-law is a teacher and lives in another province, so she comes to visit every school term, the day school closes and normally stays 2 to 3 weeks or however long the holiday is and this is just driving me nuts!!! Its Easter, long weekends and festive season. My sister-in-law normally accompanies her for a few days. No asking if it is okay to visit, just expects that this is normal. Hubby finds no problem with this and tells me that I am being unreasonable for complaining.

I need an honest answer, am I the unreasonable one here? Am I selfish by not liking his family to visit? The thing is I also have parents who live in another province but they rarely do this. I am a very private person, and enjoy just relaxing and having some quite time when I get home from work but this is impossible when they are around, they take over the entire house, TV etc. I just can' t stand it anymore, I am an Indian and as such there is this expectation that you will always welcome your in-laws into your home and not complain but surely there are limits? We all have careers and work hard, when do I get to enjoy a long weekend or the festive season without having to entertain the in-laws.

To top everything off, I am going to visit my parents(alone) after almost a year - for 2 weeks and the in-laws are already here and going to be staying in my home while I am not around. I dread to think about what awaits me when I get back. What can I do, has anyone experienced this type of thing? No Support from hubby and it is making me so unhappy.

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Our expert says:
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Whether relatives or not, to assume that you can visit someone else's home any time you want to, is rude and selfish. And a mother-in-law ought to be more tactful, and your husband ought to explain this to her. To visit EVERY holiday and opportunity is grossly unfair, among other reasons, because it prevents you from going away at those times, and forces you to pay to entertain her. Your husband is being unreasonable in not seeing that this is unreasonable. If you wouldnt allow his mother to ever visit, you would be unreasonable. To expect her to visit every chance she gets, is not reaSONABLE AT ALL.
And if they take over the whole house without thinking of you, that is unfair and rude again. Maybe you should arrange to visit your own family when ma-in-law is due to visit ---you get some peace and quiet at home, and he has to enjoy the privilege of caring for his mother. Lock away your valuables and fragile items, and leave them to quarrel among themselves. If ma has to do the cooking and cleaning, she may not enjoy the visit.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Indian | 2008-12-18

Gosh, I really do feel for you.

I think the worst feeling must be to not have your husbands back up in the situation.

I wish you all the luck. Hopefully your hubby comes to his senses some day and changes his attitude.

Reply to Indian
Posted by: Anon111 | 2008-12-18

Hi Indian, I hear you and won' t keep my hopes up too much.

The thing is, my mother-in-law is not one of those who will go out of her way to cook and clean, not in her own home and certainly not even for her beloved son, knowing her, she will be all to happy to instruct him to order take-out. She is that lazy and he knows that as well.

Even on the rare occasion that we visit her, she and the sister-in-law take us out, no home cooked curries and roti for the son :-) She is very " westernised"  in some aspects but not when it comes to her daughter-in-law.

But like you said, she may just surprise me, now that she will have her son to herself for 2 whole weeks.

Reply to Anon111
Posted by: Indian | 2008-12-18

Another thing is...I' m not so sure if you not being there to cook and clean will affect them that much. Indian mothers are more than happy to take care of their " babies" .

If you' re not there, she will be more than glad to do it herself. She only doesn' t do the cooking and cleaning now because you' re there and it' s supposed to be your " duty"  to do it. So you shouldn' t keep your hopes up that that may drive them away.

I' m just telling it like it is. I know how their brains work!

Reply to Indian
Posted by: Indian | 2008-12-18

Oh man! That' s bad! He was actually snuggled up next to her. He' s certainly a mummy' s boy. There' s nothing more I can say, except...I feel for you.

I can only imagine your frustration. I can' t believe he' s so stubborn about this! He' s also clearly very old fashioned in his ways of thinking. That he' s the man of the house, and it' s his way only! Sad to think that there' s still Indian men out there that think that way. I' m so glad my hubby is so liberal.

I' m so sorry. I know what you' re going through, and that you' re stuck in this situation for a long long time. So I really feel so bad for you.

Maybe you should just go to your parents house every holiday. That' s the only sanity you' re going to have for yourself. Sad part is that they might not even care. They' ll probably be happy to have their son all to themselves!

Gosh I hate Indians who think like that!!!! It drives me insane!!

Reply to Indian
Posted by: Anon111 | 2008-12-18

Thank you all for the advise - I am leaving on Sunday to visit my parents for 2 weeks. Can' t wait, for a change, someone will do something for me.

Indian, glad someone understands what Indian women go through, tried to comprimise with hubby to no avail - he just does not see where the problem is - real mummy' s boy. To him it' s his mother and his house also so I can' t stop them from coming to visit - His words"  This will never Happen" 

You are right Doc, lets see how the hubby and his dear family cope without their regular maid around to wait on them. I am frankly fed up with the lot of them!!! Already got home yesterday after a work dinner to an untidy house and a sink full of dishes, with the mother-in-law lying on my couch, watching TV and her son snuggled next to her!!! It' s amazing how a grown 30 year old man suddenly goes into baby mode. It makes me sick.

Reply to Anon111
Posted by: Indian | 2008-12-18

I know exactly where you' re coming from. I understand completely what is expected of us as daughter-in-laws, and it' s completely unfair.

Off course, when they' re around, you have to do all the cooking and cleaning, cos if u don' t, you' re seen as a lazy daughter-in-law who sits around the house, and does nothing - not taking good care of her son! And of course this would be something that all the aunties will talk about!!!

The only person who can help you in this situation is your husband. If he is not on your side on this issue, then there' s very little you can do without causing friction btw the families. Every Indian mother-in-law will only listen to their sons.

You need to find a way to make your husband understand where you' re coming from. Maybe try and find a compromise. For example, you' re willing to entertain them coming on 2 school holidays a year, one June holiday, and one easter holiday. Every long weekend, December holiday, and September holiday is for you and your husband.

Or something like that. You &  your hubby can think of a compromise that works for the both of you. Telling them not to come at all will just cause a drama.

Good Luck! No really...

Reply to Indian
Posted by: Neo | 2008-12-18

This is very UNREASONABLE they should at least let you know when they are coming.

Go home and see your parents.

You deserve a peaceful rest

Reply to Neo

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