Posted by: Anon | 2013-01-28

From the Men''s view


I just need to hear from men or ladies here....

Is it unresonable to wish my husband would spend time with us as family sometime? We have a 5 year old , he would rather spend his time with friends. We do absolutely nothing together, not even grocery shopping nor dinner , I dont even know the " new"  friends he keeps now. Is this normal? Early in the relationship we used to go out. I even suspect he is seeing someone therefore dont want to be seen with us in public.

Talking? It doesnt work. Slowly I am giving up on us...

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Posted by: jo | 2013-01-28

I dont know, im some what different on this.

I would tell him that he needs to have sunday open to spend as a family. One day to have fun, go anywhere you like or hubby likes with the kids to have fun with. Id tell him straight: honey by the way we are going to the zoo on Sunday and the kids and i want you to be there.

Also and i can imagine you most likely do most of the chores at home, id tell him that for the time it takes to cook and wash dishes, he should be there with the kids to watch, play, homework, etc.

Reply to jo
Posted by: Anon | 2013-01-28

Thank you all so much for your input.

I dont mind him going out to friends and all,but wish we (child &  I) could be included in the priority list, have a family outing once in a while that''s all.

I guess I am fighting a loosing battle :(

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Whena | 2013-01-28

Sorry for all the spelling errors

Reply to Whena
Posted by: Whena | 2013-01-28

I am also married and have 2 children.I spend as much time as possible with my kids.However I visit with friends that my wife does not know at all and this was a concious decision on my part- the reason is that my wife always in the past had a " problem"  with my friends- she either did not like them/their wives/kids/the area they stay in/their hobbies/polotical views etc and when visting them she would through comments etc make the visit as unpleasant as possible for me.

Yes I agree that some of my friends do have radical polotical views/ unpleasant wives/kids etc but these friends viewpoints I value and I enjoy the interaction with them on ceratin topics etc- So now I visit these friends on my own and through them I have made new friends etc.

Reply to Whena
Posted by: DH | 2013-01-28

I am married with 2 daughters and i spend 90% of my time with my family. The girls grow so fast and i don''t want to miss being there while they are growing up. My purpose in life is to enable my girls to become the best that they possibly could be.

Your husband will wipe his eyes one day and his 5 year old will be 15. He will wonder why the kid hates him and doesn''t want to talk to him.

The thing is, your husband needs to realize that the family comes 1st and that the friends are not particularly important. I say this because friends come and go and when the $h1t hits the fan they are the 1st to go.

I know how daunting it is for a man to shift from being a free-agent doing as he please to caring for a wife and child, but the reality is that he made the choice to do so.

I cannot imagine life without my family, we support one another through thick and thin, don''t get me wrong, i am no angel, I drink too much beer and I am able to thourougly p1$$ the wife off. But at the end of the day we all look after each other''s wellbeing.

I am with JR in that you need to find your own hobbies and things that make you happy. You must be able to be happy within yourself without anybody else. Many people have hobbies that give them that pleasure.

Reply to DH
Posted by: JR | 2013-01-28

Your desires are not unreasonable at all. The problem is that you are not going to sway him or make him change by talking. As you say, that does not work. He has to want to change, and the more you pester him, the more suffocated he will feel, and the less likely you are to have the results you want.

How long have you been together? Your husband must WANT to be with you. That will not happen if you are sulking and miserable and unhappy all the time. You have to work on yourself, and this is hard. Have a look at what you are doing that is pushing your husband away. Change that. Then, get some interests and hobbies of your own. Your life cannot revolve around your husband 24/7. You need something stimulating of your own to keep you busy.

Make your own new friends. This is not a tit for tat. This is a live your life. Strive for self actualisation. When you are happy and at peace with who you are, everything around you automatically becomes happier even when it is not ideal.

Give thanks and be greatful regularly. We spend so much time grumbling and finding fault that we forget to give thanks. Even give thanks for your trials, and for things you would usually grumble about. For example - I am grateful that the sun is in my eyes driving to work. I did not leave home before the crack of dawn as so many people do. I am thankful for the bathroom floor I just washed. I have a bathroom to clean. Etc. Your life will change in ways you cannot even imagine.

When your husband sees how you are changing, he will too. If he does not, then there is nothing really there for him, and you are better off moving on if he is that hard and disinterested.

This is not something you do for a day or a week. It is ongoing. You work on yourself every single day of your life. Give it a try and see what happens.

All the best, I hope you guys work it out. There is so much I wish I did differently, and I wish I knew then what I know now. Change you. Even if your marriage does not work out, the gift of self love you give yourself is way better than any you will ever receive.

Reply to JR

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