Posted by: 40''ish | 2012-11-29

Friends Mom Dies - She doesn''t care

I am so hurt in this matter. Her mother lived with her for years. Cooked and cleaned and babysat and made kids sarmies for school etc. She was always able to " jol" , she could leave her kids with her mom and off she goes. She is rather wealthy but her mother had no medical aid the last 2 years she''s had this terrible sore on her leg that just got worse and worse but she''d just buy iron pills and crap from Dischem - never ever take her to a doc.

When her mother (78) vomited blood on Wednesday last week she said she''s very ill I said take her to the doc she said " no medical aid"  so I just left it. Sunday morning at 3am her mother phoned her where she was " jolling"  and she took her mom to the government hospital.

She had been vomiting blood and stuff that looks like liver since Wednsday. Monday she died. Then I got a message " i feel so guilty - i should have brought her sooner"  - I cant respond to this because HELL YES YOU SHOULD HAVE. Now she is saying " shame she was old, frail and weak"  and i am thinking no she was not!!! She did not have to die of a bleeding ulcer!!!! Even if my dog vomited blood i''d have taken it to the vet the same day. I feel like she wanted her mother to die so she could have her " freedom"  not that she does not have it.

She keeps on putting on her bbm picture things like " regret comes to late"  and she sends me messages like "  im at this restaurant and i don''t have to take food for my mother or worry she''s all alone at home, i have so much freedom now" .

The funeral is tomorrow. Today she and her 2 sons are moving stuff around - she is moving into her mothers room and her son up to hers etc. CANT SHE WAIT TILL HER MOTHER IS IN HER GRAVE !

It''s very hard for me to support her. I am trying hard but I am so upset I would NEVER do this to my mother. I''d spend my last sent. I never realized her mother was such a " burden"  to her.

How do I handle this and stay a good friend to her?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sadly, as your neighbouring message also demonstrates, some children are foul in the way they choose to treat their parents. And nowadays there seem to be some who believe that the constitution specifically guarantees them the overwhelming right to jol and "partay" as much as they can, and to ignore all their other responsibilities in life.
I'm not sure that you need to be very careful to avoid hurting the feelings of this callous woman - and indeed, depending on the exact nature of her mom's illness, its certain that she could at least have lived longer and in much greater comfort, had she been seen earlier, and may have had the problem cleared up. So why not agree with her that she does have grounds for feeling guilty, in having so neglected her mother. She could easily have taken her to the same government hospital but very much sooner ; she could have afforded to take her for private care for some of the money she spends on partying.
For her to be exulting in the "freedom" she has gained by her mother's death is frankly obscene. And one suspects that he major regret is that now she'll have to hire someone to do all the work her mom sued to do, which will cut into her party and restaurant budget.
I don't see why anyone should feel they need to support such a selfish creature, especially not in any way that suggests or implies that her miserable treatment of a loving mom was in any way justified. Why on earth have you kept such a dreadful creature as your "friend", and why on earth would you want to keep her as such ?
Watch out that she doesn't enrol you to take on some of her mom's work load.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Milla | 2012-11-30

I agree with CS, why do you want to stay a good friend with this piece of garbage? She doesn''t deserve any kind of support . People don''t carry on about how much they regret something and then swing around and chat about how nice their new freedom is and start rearranging there house, she doesn''t regret a thing! She''s only saying that because she feels it''s expected of her.

People who mistreat the eldery need to be made aware of how horrible their actions are, it''s sad that there aren''t better laws to protect those who can''t protect themselves, if it was up to me, I would have your friend thrown in jail for negligence. Neglect is a form of abuse, abusers belong behind bars..

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