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Posted by: Xiao | 2012/02/14

Friend''s claim of incest-never know when she''s lying

A friend and I were catching up over the weekend. I happened to mention to her that I received a call from a mutual college friend that we had both been in touch with on &  off over the past 20 odd years.

We got talking about all the weird experiences we had with her. We remembered going out clubbing and this friend, let''s call her XX, would find a corner and pretend to be asleep. She would claim we were too boring. She would take her shoes off. She always wore high heels, which she couldn''t walk in, &  somehow we would end up carrying her stuff around, from shoes to handbag &  jackets.

She always tried to come on to our male friends &  would always try to indirectly make us seem to be bad. I always remember a friend saying that i was one of the sweetest girls he knew. And she would say things like I am good at acting or he doesn''t really know me. This was someone I knew since I was 5yrs old, so he did know me and we were already in our twenties at that time. We had a group of school friends that had stuck together since pre-school and we tried to include her with us. We met her at university.

Anyway, to get back to the story. As our discussion unfolded, my friend told me about how she had to once call lifeline. XX went to visit her one Saturday afternoon. I had moved cities, so no longer met up with them. She started crying hysterically. When my friend asked what was wrong, she told her that she had to tell her about her past. She had been sexually molested by her father as a child.

I told her that I had never heard such a story in all the years I had known her. In fact she had a few little nieces that often spent weekends at their home. Sometimes her mum went away on senior citizen trips and it was just her dad and her home with the girls. Surely she would never want her little nieces around him.

She once came to visit me after I moved cities. I was sharing a flat. The one evening I left ehr with my male flatmate, whilst I prepared us dinner. When dinner was ready, I asked her to help me set the table. She came to me and pretended to be all angry and told me what a vile person my flatmate was. He had tried to kiss her and hug her.

When my flatmate and I were cleaning up later that night, he told me that he felt so sorry for XX. He couldn''t believe that someone could do that to her. I asked him just how much and what she told him. He told me that she told him how she was in the middle of a messy divorce. She had come home one day to find her hubby (childhood sweetheart) in bed with another man. Even worse, she learnt he liked using all her clothes. She had started to cry, so he hugged her. I knew then that this man had never harassed her. He was always and still is a gentleman.

I did question her about this and she laughed. She said she didn''t think he was stupid enough to fall for this story. She thought he knew she was just pulling his leg.

She was once obsessed with a young man she worked with. Tired everything she could to get him into bed and to be her boyfriend. Would by him expensive gifts, invite him to her house or to her hotel for sex, etc. He eventually told her he loved his girlfriend and didn''t want to have anything to do with her. She had a nervous breakdown. Her boss &  i had to take her to hospital and hospitalize her. When she came home, she just went on as if nothing happened.

We kind lost contact for most times after that. Once we heard from her after a few years. She told us she had been a teacher at a school, but had left because there was a teacher there that tried to kiss her and was always trying to get her in bed.

I once heard that she had sex with someone she met on a bus. Well the weird stories go on. But she always made other people feel inferior. She could belittle people so easily. She always found it difficult finding a boyfriend because they were always ugly or stupid, etc.

So, now when my friend mentioned the incest stuff, I just find it hard to believe. I have never been able to tell when it is true or just some way to get attention. And she always has to have a problem or medical condition that is worse than yours.

She comes from a family that are into looks and money. They always compare. her brother was an engineer and was her parents'' pride and joy. Her sister was very pretty and married someone rich, so her mother always boasted about her. XX was very smart. I remember her dad telling me that she had won a bursary to study aeronautical engineering, but didn''t want to leave home. She would have had to attend uni in another city. She left uni at the end of our 2nd year because she had thyroid problems. She decided to stay home &  study through unisa.

I recall how she joined my family and I for a vacation one December. A young, single family friend joined us too. The one afternoon we spent in the swimming pool. She got out before the us, took a shower and came back all dressed up. She set her hair, put on makeup and had on a beautiful summer dress with a slit up her leg. She sat along the pool in a model like pose, and the slit just exposed her leg up to the thigh. Unfortunately, my male friend, didn''t take any notice. Later that evening, she didn''t want to go out with us and said she preferred sleeping. We had to force her to go to a movie with us.


She has suddenly been in contact and has said that she would love to resume our friendship. But i just don''t know what to make of all of this. She isn''t working because she needs some eye surgery. She

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Wow, sometime I must take a week off work and really read this posting in detail !
Seriously, such an exceedingly long posting really is hard top handle.
Your "friend" really doesnt sound much like a friend, but likr someone they used to call "neurotic", and though each of the sad stories she tells can indeed happen to someone, it seems very unlikely that all of them would have happpened to just one person. And the stories seem specifically designed to elicit sympathy and to manipulate others, and to change to fit the occasion.
Its hard enough to remember the truth, let alone to remember false stories.
Its wise not to agree to get involved with someone like that, or to allow them to manipulate you ( and when they're really good at it, you don't even recognize when its happening ).
There sound like elements of what gets called Confabulation, too.
Only a good deal of very highly skilled psychotherapy from a very experienced shrink might help such a person to sort herself out, and then only if she recognized that she really needed and wanted to change.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: XIa | 2012/02/15

Sorry doc! I know this was too long. But I wanted to give a few examples of things she has done.

i guess I always feel guilty to say no to people. And in this case, what if this person seriously has had such things happen, and then i go and desert them. That would make me an awful person.

I have had my own family tell me I am horrible. I had major surgery and didn''t want a sibling to move in with me - one that was unemployed, and does not do a thing for himself. He is 25 now, still doesn''t want to work &  lives with parents.

I didn''t want a burden on myself at the time, as I was already on unpaid leave and had my own family to care for. My dad and mum were terrible to me and I was told that I am a cruel and selfish person. How could I treat my brother like this. he wanted to move in with me and look for a job in the town I live in.

I was just thinking that I am going to have yet someone else tell me how selfish I am if i turn my back on this person.

Reply to XIa
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/02/14

Wow, sometime I must take a week off work and really read this posting in detail !
Seriously, such an exceedingly long posting really is hard top handle.
Your "friend" really doesnt sound much like a friend, but likr someone they used to call "neurotic", and though each of the sad stories she tells can indeed happen to someone, it seems very unlikely that all of them would have happpened to just one person. And the stories seem specifically designed to elicit sympathy and to manipulate others, and to change to fit the occasion.
Its hard enough to remember the truth, let alone to remember false stories.
Its wise not to agree to get involved with someone like that, or to allow them to manipulate you ( and when they're really good at it, you don't even recognize when its happening ).
There sound like elements of what gets called Confabulation, too.
Only a good deal of very highly skilled psychotherapy from a very experienced shrink might help such a person to sort herself out, and then only if she recognized that she really needed and wanted to change.

Reply to cybershrink

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