Posted by: mickey | 2009-05-26

friend in need

dear CS this is a very long story but im gonna cut it short i hope i dont leave out anything.
my boyfriend met his childhood frind 5 years ago when we moved to joburg as a result i got to know the friends girlfriend and we are now friends,now the guy is a serial cheater who cheats on her all the time,this weekend she found womans clothes in her wardrobe that did not belong to her and emails to some woman that were sent by the guy telling that woman that he loved her,this man while in a relationship with her made another woman pregnant of which he now pays for mainanance for that child,they also have a child together,the guy often does not come home from work and makes excuses that he has to meet up with friends and ends up spending the night there and comes home the next day and refuses to talk about where hes been.

My problem is this is not new to my friend,this has been happening for years,the guy has had countless affairs he even lost his job at some point and she still stood by him,the guy has even told her to leave their home at some point infront of a mistress so that the mistress can have a place to sleep,doc im sterting to think that there is something wrong with her,a similar insident happened this weekend,she came crying to us,we are also getting tired of this,what should happen on our part,and what advice would you give her.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Nice people like you often make the mistake of making someone else's problems their own. This bf's bf sounds like an utter heel, a cheater uncaring about her suffering psychologically or the risks of HIV and other STD he brings to her. He not only cheats but is blatant enough to leave her in no doubt about what he is doing. But this is HER problem, not yours. SHe should probably leave him, and get a maintenance court order for him to pay maintenance for their child, too.
If you search the web you'll find that many studies have found what you are observing --- it is a continuing puzzle why abused women stay with their abuser, and return to him even if they leave. They need therapy to regain self-esteem and self-sufficiency. You can encourage her to get counselling and therapy if available, and the rest HAS to be done by her and cannot be done by you

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