Posted by: Little Suzie | 2009/04/06

Friend has addict bf

Hey there

I have a friend (gay) who has been involved with a guy for less than 2 months. The guy is not someone that he would normally go for, but that is not an issue. He says that he loves the guy and the guy loves him. And who am I to judge that you can love a person in less than 2 months?

The problem is that this guy is an addict. He uses tik! He' s now 24 and has been doing drugs since he was at school. His family kicked him out, cos he stole from them, and they basically alienated him. Only his brother will be there for him. This guy lost his car because of drugs. He went to rehab, but it didn' t work. He started going to NA meetings, but once my friend offered to go with him, and when my friend phoned him to ask where he was, he said that he didn' t feel like going to the meeting. He spent his salary on drugs at the end of March, so my friend had to borrow him money to pay his rent.

When my friend suggested that they take a break so that this guy can sort himself out, the guy threatened to commit suicide, and my friend rushed to be by his side. I never met the guy, cos me and my friend weren' t getting along well for a while, but I feel that this guy is totally manipulating my friend! Last weekend they had a date, alone time for them, and this guy (when off drugs for a while) just didn' t show up. He then let my friend know, via sms, that he is not coming over anymore!! When he hasn' t used drugs for a few days he gets agitated and takes his frustrations out on my friend!!

And my friend knows and says that he should leave the guy so that he can sort himself out, but on the other hand he says that he loves him, and can' t stand him to be with someone else.

I know it' s not my problem, but I feel that I should help my friend, only, I don' t know what to tell him other than he should kick that guy to the curb!!!! Can their relationship survive, or is this guy just using him?????

Please help?

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Our expert says:
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That the guy is gay is no relevant, and that they have known each other onl a short time is not very relevant. ut that he has been an addict for a long time, and steals to support his habit, is a much more serious problem for any relationship. That he didn't turn up and made excuses when your friend tried to accompany him to an NA meeting,s trongly suggests he hasn't actually been going to them, which means he has no serious intention of stopping his drug habits. If he is spendin his entire salary on drugs, he will notm stop, and won't have the job for long. And if he blackmails your friend by threatening suicide unless he is paid his liing expenses, that is seedy in the extreme. Surely everything about this other guy says this is a doomed relationship, and your friend's choice is actually when to end it, and if possible, before he himself has suuffered serious damage from thsi guy and his drug habit.
I think your friend needs to see a personal counsellor and sort himself out, while telling the other guy to do likewise, and separately. This defant sense of l;oving someone who is definitely not loveable suggests the "love" is based on psychological issues your friend needs to resolve, rather than on the basic facts of the relationship.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Fran | 2009/04/06


I don' t think that your friend realizes the danger having that guy as a friend and lover. People who are drug addicts are very manipulative, and your friend could eventually land up using drugs himself.

It' s going to be very hard to try get him to listen to you, I think make his family and friends aware of the situation, so that in the likely event he starts using too, he will at least have a support group that will be there for him.

Reply to Fran

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