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Question
Posted by: deb | 2011/10/21

fork in the road

I am so battling to get my head around all my bf''s issues - he has kids, the ex and him speak often during the day (although he says its all about the kids), his job is on the line, he has so many health issues, no security.... He wants me to make a decision to give our relationship 100% but Im really batting with it. I just cant say yes as it feels like Im losing control of my life and independency and giving it all up to be a mother to kids that arent even mine. I have always been on the fence regarding having children of my own, and now Im thrown into a situation where he says well they are my kids so deal with it. But he doesnt understand where I am coming from and all the things I have to compromise from my side. We have reached a fork in the road. I cant just make a decision like that right now after 3 months in a relationship, to me it is a process. I mean there is no ring on my finger where I have to commit to him and put up with a life as a step mom. That was never my plan for my life. Please help me make some sense of all of this. Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gosh, there seems to be a flood of unhappy gfs this-afternoon ! Its reasonable for him to speak to the ex when there are urgent or important things to deal with concerning the kids. But obviously this NEVER occurs several times a day every day, and she may indeed be using this as an excuse to be over-involved with him.
It sounds as though he has many urgent issues ( such as job and health ) that need to take priority.
But when you choose to form a relaionship with a man or woman who is a parent, the kids are and should be, ALWAYS part of the deal. Its unreasonable to expect them to be excluded - they're part of the package when you sign on. The ex need not be part of that same package.
3 months into a relaionship sounds a bit early for him to expect you to make a 100% committment.
But any long-term relationship with him WILL have to include the kids, and if this is not acceptable to you, then you should gracefully end the relationship, you can't expect him to dump or ignore his own children. You can't marry him without becoming a stepmother.
Maybe some couples counselling would help you both to clarify the issues and maybe unrealistic expectations on both sides, and to make a more realistic decision about the future of this relationship

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Our users say:
Posted by: Spot On | 2011/10/23

Realist you were right last time and right this time.
It has to be asked though why any reasonably intelligent woman would begin a romantic relationship with a man who has health problems and no security who has to pay maintenance until the kids come of age? Surely this is always a non starter if you have a scrap of emotional intelligence!

Reply to Spot On
Posted by: Realist | 2011/10/23

I sympathise with you. I have in the past commented on a similar situation where I have sided with the person in your position and have been castigated for my opinion,(and the lady involved as branded as being selfish as she did not want to take on the responsibility of someone elses'' kids) which is that while I do agree kids are part of the deal as they cannot be ignored or excluded, YOU must carefully weigh up your options and decide if you are wil ling to make a full time committment for the next 15 or so years as a step mom? I detect that you are not keen on this and I agree with you. I would take the advice given and move out of the relationship and I am sure you will find a situation that is far more suited to your lifestyle. Good luck

Reply to Realist
Posted by: SS | 2011/10/21

Are these kids the invitro twins?

Reply to SS
Posted by: Sensible woman | 2011/10/21

We date to see wether a longtime relationship would work. 3 months of dating has shown this is not were any sane woman would go. dump him and find someone else. a woman who is not sure if she wants kids is not the right woman to become a step mom.
l would run a mile,,,,,,,,

Reply to Sensible woman
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/21

Gosh, there seems to be a flood of unhappy gfs this-afternoon ! Its reasonable for him to speak to the ex when there are urgent or important things to deal with concerning the kids. But obviously this NEVER occurs several times a day every day, and she may indeed be using this as an excuse to be over-involved with him.
It sounds as though he has many urgent issues ( such as job and health ) that need to take priority.
But when you choose to form a relaionship with a man or woman who is a parent, the kids are and should be, ALWAYS part of the deal. Its unreasonable to expect them to be excluded - they're part of the package when you sign on. The ex need not be part of that same package.
3 months into a relaionship sounds a bit early for him to expect you to make a 100% committment.
But any long-term relationship with him WILL have to include the kids, and if this is not acceptable to you, then you should gracefully end the relationship, you can't expect him to dump or ignore his own children. You can't marry him without becoming a stepmother.
Maybe some couples counselling would help you both to clarify the issues and maybe unrealistic expectations on both sides, and to make a more realistic decision about the future of this relationship

Reply to cybershrink

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