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Question
Posted by: S | 2010/11/10

Forgiveness - What must i do??

Been very hurt by my adolescent boys i.r.o badmouthing me, continual disrespect for me, gross disobedience and non-co-op in house. Climax was when they defrauded my business fr over R 1 million. No apologies up to now- just lies and cover-ups.This behaviour was and is still supported by my wife. I got fed-up, arguments, then grand showdown ensued. Dismissed them frm house. Wife joined them too. They and i are now seperated.
Q. Should I forgive them without them admitting and having remorse for what they did? What must I do, as wife is not telling them to admit their deeds and come apologise to their father?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This sounds very like another message I read here, very recently. If they defrauded you and/or your business of over R 1 million, report them to the police and have them arested and prosecuted - it does them harm to teach them that they can get away with crime, and you won't be their only victim, until they get into bigger trouble and come to even greater harm themselves.
The mischievous and dangerous message that has got spread around South Africa that somehow all victims have a duty to "forgive" everyone who has harmed them, even if the perpetrators are triumphant, unapologetic and eager to continue doing wrong, is something we should, as a community, very firmly stamp out.
Do NOT "forgive" them for major crime. indiscriminate "forgiveness" is for suckers, and breeds criminality and cruelty.
Your wife obviously THINKS she is protecting them - yet she is only encouraging them to continue criminal conduct, and soon another victim may be very vicious indeed towards them. Persuade her to see a good and tough-love oriented counsellor to sort out her own confusion about crime and cruelty.
If these kids on't learn that criminal and wicked behaviour has negative consequences, you are both doing them a major disservice.
Forgive only in the sense of releasing yourself from the sadness and bitterness you feel, for your own benefit.

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Our users say:
Posted by: S | 2010/11/11

Many thanks Cybershrink and friends for your good advice, and kind words.
I am now clear as to the course of action i shld take.

Reply to S
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/11/11

Forgive them, it will improve your health status. Then get them arrested. These are two independent decisions which you need to take in order to move on with your life.

Good luck and sorry for the loss.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Liza | 2010/11/11

I''ve seen far too many parents who always cover up for their kids. Then they want to know why their kids start with drugs etc. Kids should suffer the consequences of their own actions from a very young age. Kids who make a mistake - then suffer the consequences of their mistake - are much more likely not to make the same mistake again.

By not laying a charge of fraud you''re in effect shielding them from their actions. This means that they won''t learn a lesson and will probably go out and do the same to someone else. Tough love works...

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Just saying! | 2010/11/11

The sad part about the whole story is if they end up in jail for other crimes that they might commit because they got away with the crimes commited at your company , what will you wife to then , blame the other people? She is not doing them favours and she wont be able to cover up for them when in trouble again.

I dont think you must just forgive and forget, sorry that crap is not applicable here, and if I were you tell your wife to go and fly a kite. She is not a good mother in my eyes, helping them cover up their evil deeds.

Go for a few sessions of counseling to help you cope with the hurt and pain and best of all , press charges and get proof of what they did, defrauding your company, then you will see how quick the remorse will come..

Reply to Just saying!
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/11

This sounds very like another message I read here, very recently. If they defrauded you and/or your business of over R 1 million, report them to the police and have them arested and prosecuted - it does them harm to teach them that they can get away with crime, and you won't be their only victim, until they get into bigger trouble and come to even greater harm themselves.
The mischievous and dangerous message that has got spread around South Africa that somehow all victims have a duty to "forgive" everyone who has harmed them, even if the perpetrators are triumphant, unapologetic and eager to continue doing wrong, is something we should, as a community, very firmly stamp out.
Do NOT "forgive" them for major crime. indiscriminate "forgiveness" is for suckers, and breeds criminality and cruelty.
Your wife obviously THINKS she is protecting them - yet she is only encouraging them to continue criminal conduct, and soon another victim may be very vicious indeed towards them. Persuade her to see a good and tough-love oriented counsellor to sort out her own confusion about crime and cruelty.
If these kids on't learn that criminal and wicked behaviour has negative consequences, you are both doing them a major disservice.
Forgive only in the sense of releasing yourself from the sadness and bitterness you feel, for your own benefit.

Reply to cybershrink

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