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Question
Posted by: Confused &  Hurt | 2012/12/04

Forgiveness

How do i o about forgiving my wife for not telling me she had sexual relations with a man who forced him on her the first time and convinced her to date him just to cheat on her.

Although we were not dating that time she knew how i felt about her and now she tells me she always loved me and not him whilst she was with him.

the reason was i had high standards for a relationship and marriage

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not clear from your message, when the horrible events in your wife's life occurred,but it sounds as though it happened well before she married you, and presumably before she began dating you.
Either way, something truly horrible happened to her ; she was a victim and surel traumatized, and may have struggled to try to put this behind her. Maybe she knew how cruel and judgemental you might be if you learned of this, and chose not to tell you, very understandably indeed.
I wonder how high your "standards" actually are and what this means to you. She is exactly the same fine person you fell in love with and chose to marry. Now you have learned that something terrible happened to her before then. Don't your high standards demand that you love her MORE for her sad past, that you should sympathise, and try to make it up to her ?
Would your "high standards" have demanded that you should have rejected her had you known at the time, to have compounded her misery, and made it worse for her ?
As Milla says, people respond to such trauma in different ways. Commonly, they find it harder to trust anyone else, and they may feel horribly ashamed even though it was not at all their fault.
I understand that you have found this discovery confusing and upsetting, and that it has taken you a while to sort out how you feel and what you need to do about this. I'm sure your genuinely high standards will make you love her all the more, and to want to be more protective and comforting towards her.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Confused &  Hurt | 2013/01/09

he thing that bug me the most is the fact she tells me she loved me but thought my standards is to high (thats Jan). She met this guy in March slept over by him. He took advantage after losing her virginity to him and 3 months of loveless sex and cheating on her, the rest is history.
So why does women always go for the ''''bad'''' rough guys but we the gentlemen gets sideline and afterwards women reflect and wants you in their life.
Now i must be in a relationship with a ''''scarred'''' women, i cant have women / men friends, very emotional, she cant get along with my mother father brother cause she thinks i love them more than her etc.

Reply to Confused &amp  Hurt
Posted by: Confused &  Hurt | 2012/12/06

Cybershrink
thanks
the thing that bug me the most is the fact she tells me she loved me but thought my standards is to high (thats Jan). She met this guy in March slept over by him. He took advantage  after losing her virginity to him and 3 months of loveless sex and cheating on her, the rest is history.
So why does women always go for the ''bad'' rough guys but we the gentlemen gets sideline and afterwards women reflect and wants you in their life.
Now i must be in a relationship with a ''scarred'' women, i cant have women / men friends, very emotional, she cant get along with my mother father brother cause she thinks i love them more than her etc.

Reply to Confused &amp  Hurt
Posted by: Confused &  Hurt | 2012/12/05

Thanks Milla

Reply to Confused &amp  Hurt
Posted by: Milla | 2012/12/04

She is still the same person you chose to marry, you have just learnt about something very sad and unfortunate that has happened to her in the past. It''s very likely that she chose to not discuss it with you earlier on because she knew of your high standards and didn''t want it to change the outcome of your relationship. Didn''t you choose her based on more than just her sexual history?

People who suffer abuse deal with it in different ways, some have difficultly with trust, some are severly angry or bitter and then there are those who feel guilty or ashamed, as if they are some how responsible (which is ofcourse not true at all!). If you add your high standards to the mix..can you really hold it against her for not wanting to be upfront about it?

Your wife crossed paths with a very evil human being, he raped her, mentally abused and manipulated her and just outrightly treated her horribly, it wouldn''t be strange for her to have developed some unhealthy thoughts about what she has experienced. I don''t really think she has done anything that needs forgiveness.. Instead try to be understanding and supportive.
Perhaps discuss with her if you could go together for some counselling? It might help her to feel ''safer'' with discussing such things with you and you could perhaps learn to better understand the impact of an abuser/manipulator on their victims.

Reply to Milla

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