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Question
Posted by: Chris | 2010/09/22

forgetting the past

I am still with my wive nearly two years after she had a sexual affair. I did forgive her and am going for councelling and am on medication for depression. The problem is that I still get upset about the whole ting and find it so difficult to watch even TV if there is a cheating going on in the movie or episode. I look at my wive and I sometimes wonder why I am still with her. No sexual feelings anymore for I cannot see myself going where the other man has been, which is sad but that is me!! I stay on because of my daughter who is still studying and she needs to qualify for her degree.

I make plans to take my wive on a weekend away, to a romantic place with a jacuzzi etc but before I make the final booking, I cancel it because of this feeling I have inside me, a feeling of despise maybe. I will discuss this with my doctor next session.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your reactions are understandable but not useful. It doesn't sound as though the counselling has proved useful so far. Maybe a different counselor could be more sucessful - have you discussed with your counsellor this sense of a lackm of progress ? Avoid concluding about anything " but that is me!", as that becomes a commandment NOT to change even where such change could be desirable. It sounds as though you are the sort of intelligent and thoughtful person who can do well in psychotherapy - IF good modern methods such as CBT are used, and if time is taken to develop a proper plan of areas where change is needed, and of how to get there from here

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chris | 2010/09/23

Thanks CS and others for this helpfull replies. I thought that my hardest work was over but I was wrong. I will put in a bigger effort in retsoring our marraige. I am truing very hard to respect her again but she should now earn that respect!!

Reply to Chris
Posted by: Patricia | 2010/09/22

I know that is very hard and everything that you feel is normal. But if you love her and want to be with her, the only way to overcome the bad feelings you have when you think of her body now is to put yourself in her shoes. Imagine you cheated on her. You did it and the other person meant nothing at all to you and brought nothing into your life, but they destroyed your relationship with your loved one. So imagine that you regret it so much that you''d give anything to go back and fix that. Imagine you feel bad. Then ask yourself if you''d find it fair that your partner dispises you because you cheated... Imagine how good it would be if she could forgive you and accept you like you had never cheated.

If you try to picture things that way and if you''d like to have your wife forgive you and love you the same, then try.. Do this for YOU, just try to see her differently. She cheated but she didn''t leave you for the other man. Why? Because he meant nothing. You do. So try to be happy again. Go and spend some romantic time with her and try to recover what is lost. She failed but everybody makes mistakes. Try to respect her again.

Don''t picture bad things, don''t do that to yourself anymore.



Reply to Patricia
Posted by: Rain | 2010/09/22

Don''t stay for your daughter...my parents got divorced and i still managed to finish my degree..its much better to be seperated than seeing two people unhappy together.., thats just my opinion,set yourself free.

Reply to Rain
Posted by: C | 2010/09/22

You sound like a very forgiving person. Lots of men/women wont do what you did. you need to make yourself stronger by leaving the past in the past and move on. you chose to stay. you can choose to leave for the sake of your sanity. maybe you need to to go away alone or for a weekend with your friends... this might make you feel better. don''t give someone else power over you. take control of your life.
good luck

Reply to C
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/22

Your reactions are understandable but not useful. It doesn't sound as though the counselling has proved useful so far. Maybe a different counselor could be more sucessful - have you discussed with your counsellor this sense of a lackm of progress ? Avoid concluding about anything " but that is me!", as that becomes a commandment NOT to change even where such change could be desirable. It sounds as though you are the sort of intelligent and thoughtful person who can do well in psychotherapy - IF good modern methods such as CBT are used, and if time is taken to develop a proper plan of areas where change is needed, and of how to get there from here

Reply to cybershrink

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