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Question
Posted by: allovertheplace | 2010/07/07

Foreign girl

Hi CS

I am writing to you today as I find myself in emotional turmoil. I am very confused and feeling very anxious.

The story in it''s shortest form is like this. I am in a long term relationship and live with my gf. She is a wonderful woman, on so many levels I look at her and I feel a deep love and care. I see the woman that could be my wife and the mother of my children. She is a beautiful soul that I feel has been through a lot in life and never received very much. She has fought hard to come very far all on her own. I am very proud fo her. I do as much as I can to be a good bf, a supportive partner, loving, caring and affectionate. I express my love verbally and in many other forms. I love her very much.

The problem is, and of course there had to be a problem, I feel we have no passion, no " fire"  between us. I have expressed this to her on many occassions and explained that this is a big issue for me. I am full of energy and passion and she is the opposite. I like to be shown passion but she simply doesn t show it. She tells me it is there, and she certainly does plenty for me and is a very good partner but she doesn t show it to me. We are seldom intimate and yet our relationship is only a few years old and we are young. I have begged her to work on this aspect and have suggested we go seek help together. I have been willing to do anything. I have also noted all her stresses in life and tried to alleviate them as much as possible to assist her and yet still nothing. I feel we don t have that playfulness and fun that a young couple in love should have. She wants to get married now and have children, but I am just not convinced.

To complicate things further, I recently met an pverseas girl that visited here briefly and this girl has totally rocked my universe. We were not physically intimate in any way, but we really hit it off, the chemistry was amazing and the conversations unbelievable. She is fun and we laugh a lot. She has returned home now, but has been in touch, a lot. We find that we are growing feelings for each other more and more every day. She knows about my gf and feels bad. I feel terrible, I am mortified as I don''t want to be a cheater and I don''t want to hurt anybody. So, on the one hand I feel like a teenager in love and on the other I feel guilty, sad and miserable. We both know this is mainly fantasy and the chances of anything happening slim to none as we both have careers in different corners of the globe and it would be a massive risk for either of us to move for the other etc. Yet we can''t stop keeping in touch. I feel rather sick in my stomach today as I don''t know what to do. I want to continue with this fantasy but yet I don''t want to cheat on my gf and I would like to continue trying to make it work between us.

I don''t know what advice you can offer. Any would be good though.

Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Couples counselling is probably what is needed here. And in your discussions with her, be far more specific and clear - saying you feel there should be "more passion" is actually vague. How would it be shown ? How would you recognize it ? If, instead, you could say : "I like it very much when you do X or Y, and wish we could do more of that ; and I'd really enjoy it if we could try Z". Also, check whether there is anything SHE feels is missing, for her, in this otherwise apparently loving relaionship.
Youi describe her as "forweign" and there may be more than a verbal language problem here, but also a behavioural / social language ddifference.
She sees pasion in the relationship, and may be showing it in ways she would recognize, but which you are not understanding ? Maybe you mean something very different by "passion", It sounds, from your description, that there's a lack of sexual desire and sexual intimacy, and this would be best explored and solved in couples counselling. It's very unlikely to be solved at long distance.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/07

Couples counselling is probably what is needed here. And in your discussions with her, be far more specific and clear - saying you feel there should be "more passion" is actually vague. How would it be shown ? How would you recognize it ? If, instead, you could say : "I like it very much when you do X or Y, and wish we could do more of that ; and I'd really enjoy it if we could try Z". Also, check whether there is anything SHE feels is missing, for her, in this otherwise apparently loving relaionship.
Youi describe her as "forweign" and there may be more than a verbal language problem here, but also a behavioural / social language ddifference.
She sees pasion in the relationship, and may be showing it in ways she would recognize, but which you are not understanding ? Maybe you mean something very different by "passion", It sounds, from your description, that there's a lack of sexual desire and sexual intimacy, and this would be best explored and solved in couples counselling. It's very unlikely to be solved at long distance.

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