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Posted by: superteddy | 2011/11/07

First time with my girlfriend and daddy issues...

So I have this wonderful girlfriend, and we''ve been going out for nine months now. Before that, we knew each other for two years as best friends, so as far as the relationship goes the trust and honesty is all there, and we''re pretty solid.

My only issue is her " daddy issues" , for lack of a more PC term. I''ve talked to her about this and she admits she may have some abandonment issues stemming from when her parents divorced when she was very young. Her father doesn''t treat her lovingly or well at all, and oftentimes I''ve had to bite my tongue so damn hard to avoid confrontation.

Whenever we''re intimate, we get so close to having sex that it''s extremely frustrating to be told to hold back. Talking to her earlier this year about it revealed the abandonment issues which we''ve worked on, but this hasn''t changed anything. She says she is ready, she feels that she''s ready, but no amount of love or affection will take us to the final step because she says that there''''s something holding her back - and either she has a mental block to something in her past related to sex or she''s just plain scared and won''t admit it.

So far as I know, there''s no history of molestation in her childhood but there has been verbal and psychological abuse from within her family. My educated guess is that there could have been physical abuse as well, but that''''s as far as my knowledge goes - she won''t talk to me about it, and just claims she doesn''''t know why she''s afraid.

I know it’ s hard to assess a situation from just one viewpoint, but how do we deal with this? We both love each other dearly, and the relationship itself is very strong, intimate, and close.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It is difficult to assess a situation with this amount of information but what seems clear is that you have a loving, close relationship and that you really do care about your partner. You seem to be good friends and have know each other for some time. It may be that the events that have happened in the past may affect her behaviour in your relationship, however, it may be that she just needs a bit more time before feeling completely comfortable to have intercourse, which may be frustrating for you. I would suggest that you continue to be supportive, to continue to discuss issues which arise. It may be that she feels that she does need to deal with past experiences and seek professional help and counselling.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011/11/08

It is difficult to assess a situation with this amount of information but what seems clear is that you have a loving, close relationship and that you really do care about your partner. You seem to be good friends and have know each other for some time. It may be that the events that have happened in the past may affect her behaviour in your relationship, however, it may be that she just needs a bit more time before feeling completely comfortable to have intercourse, which may be frustrating for you. I would suggest that you continue to be supportive, to continue to discuss issues which arise. It may be that she feels that she does need to deal with past experiences and seek professional help and counselling.

Reply to Sexologist
Posted by: JR | 2011/11/07

I think this is also a very good question for the Cybershrink.

Reply to JR
Posted by: JR | 2011/11/07

I have major abandonment issues also going back to my early childhood where I was also largely abandoned by both my father and my mother. I have never feared intimacy because of it though. My anxiety comes from not hearing from the person in my life. no bbm''s no phone calls, no messages, that drives me up the pole and leaves me feeling yet again, abandoned and unimportant. I do not fear intimacy, quite the contrary I welcome it, because it is a way of expressing physical love, and will all the abandonment I have experienced in my life, all the love I can get from that special person is very very welcome, if that makes any sense.

So I dont think it is that. I think there is something else, but then again having said that, no two people are alike, and she may not have the same perceptions that I do. I can only speak for myself.

The thing is, while you can help her by being loving, kind supportive - all the things you already seem to be, only she can deal with what is going on inside her head, and only she can change that. If there is a block, she needs to talk about it. If not with you, then with a therapist who can help her identify and understand it, and eventually get over it. But she will have to take the very first step to pick open the scab and find out what is underneath it.

Good luck. I hope you guys sort it out.

Reply to JR

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