Posted by: Kristen | 2009-04-08

Finding it hard to forgive

Dear CS my husband and I have just got married and were together for 8 years before. Two years ago he was caught having phone sex with another women, he was sorry and I stupidly forgave him. I recently found emails he sent to a married work collegue about wanting to hook up with her. Had I seen that before our wedding I would have never married him. I' m so confused and my heart just hurts all the time, I cry all the time, every time I look at him I see betrayal. I suggested counselling but he didn' t seem to keen on the idea.I really find it hard to forgive and forget am I over reacting, why do I feel like this is all my fault.

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Our expert says:
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COuld you agree jointly to see a relaionship / marriage counsellor together ? Not necessarily to glue the marrige back together again, but to examine what has happened, what it means to both of you, and what your best options are ? He doesn't need to be keen on the idea, but to participate sincerely ( presumably, he worries that it will focus primarily on what he did wrong, which he'd rather not concentrate upon ).
Why do you feel this is all your fault ? Probably because you're a nice person, used to taking responsibility for your own choices and actions, and even sometimes for the choices and actions of others ; and he isn't

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maureen | 2009-04-08

I think that you can " forgive"  but i doubt very much that you will ever trust him again. Perhaps see how it goes and if it gets just to overwhelming i suggest you call it a day. I agree with the previous post too. I dont think that when trust is broken especially in this case it can really ever be the same. Good luck to you and i hope you make the right decision.

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Posted by: Sympathy | 2009-04-08

My sympathy goes out to you. There can be no resolution to this I am afraid. I know people will encourage communication, counselling blah blah blah, but at the end of the day once someone is fixated with this type of behaviour, they never change and you will never trust them, ever, so why not just wrap it up, and make a proper life for yourself. If you don' t, I can honestly say that you will experience on-going hell with doubt and mistrust and that will just lead to serious physical problems, blood pressure and the like.

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