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Question
Posted by: confused | 2011/09/16

fighting with fiancee

My fiancee and I have been at odds with each other for a couple months now. We have recently just purchaced a home mortgage free, and he is semi retired, we both work very little but from home and choose our own hours. We have a 4 yr old and I have been a stay at home mome since the little one came along. He thinks I am unhappy ALL the time, but I do not believe I am, ALL THE TIME. He thinks he was Extremely happy, until I started asking questions and making statements about his happiness and in his words I would mope around all day and for days. I admit that I was not happy about somethings, and would try to express that by asking about his bordom, or happiness. Even as much as explaining what made me ask the questions before I asked, only to be met with anger and intollerance to even justify my concerns. it has come to the point where he felt he needed a weekend away to sort out and think oof how we get back to were and when we were " us" . He also suggested couple counceling and I agreed whole haertedly that it would be good for us I am having trouble understanding how communication gets and got so bad that we can not even hear the others concernes with out taking it so personally and negativly. most couple fight about sex and or money, one is controling or abusive, we have no fights about sex, money or control, Just happiness and bordom? are you as confused-|-I am? and what can I do to help ''us"  ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

COuples counselling sounds like a great idea, and the right forum within which to explore the questions you raise.
Anon raises good points about being bored and under-occupied, too. And interesting issues about the piece of paper. SOme people just choose to live together permanently, and are happy. As soon as one says "Engaged" that's diferent. Engagement is the prelude to marriage, and after too many years, it's all overture and no opera.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Man | 2011/09/17

Then why become engaged if you do not belive you need an wedding to make yoor relationship valid? Tina is right is asking he question.
Sounds like he is going to dump you with needing time on his own!
Also suggesting councilling l think he is setting up the beginning of the end?

Reply to Man
Posted by: Tina | 2011/09/17

Is it not frustration? Because you''ve been engaged for so long? Now hear me out, my fiance were together for 8 years before we made the decision. And I think the decision was made because I was unhappy with everything (and I mean everything) and one day I snapped and I realised I was frustrated because I felt the relationship wasn''t going anywhere (which isn''t so, but I just needed more). So, you may say a piece of paper may not mean anything, but can you tell me that you are genuinely happy having spent nearly a decade being engaged?

Reply to Tina
Posted by: confused | 2011/09/17

ANON- I see ewaht you are saying, and I agree about the needing to keep busy, That is a point that has been made and being worked on. About the part of him claiming I am grumpy and moping is when I am busy and just quiet, not whinning or complaining at all. he claims he is extremely happy with life yet complains he is bored, he claimes he has an extremely positive attitude to like, yet only sees the negative side of what I do say and ask. How is asking if he is happy with our choice of home, once, a negative thing. When he says he wqants to have friends over and forget about reality and have a blast( good thing right) well I ask him " has reality got you down or you just want to cause it would be fun?"  How is this a negative if you have a possitive attitude all the time? In other words he is saying that I am being negative , when he is the one that is doing and saying what he says I am. thus the confusion. and thak you you are correct about the busy busy part, he is not used to not being busy and I am not used to having him home all the time. I am quiet and it causes issues I am asking a question and it causes issues, I am talking about how I feel or think and it causes issues? who is nagging? not me LOL
GOSH- We have been engaged for 8 years this coming december, The fact that we are not legally married is not the issue cause I do not believe that a piece of paper that makes a marriage legal is the answer to emotional issues.

Reply to confused
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/17

COuples counselling sounds like a great idea, and the right forum within which to explore the questions you raise.
Anon raises good points about being bored and under-occupied, too. And interesting issues about the piece of paper. SOme people just choose to live together permanently, and are happy. As soon as one says "Engaged" that's diferent. Engagement is the prelude to marriage, and after too many years, it's all overture and no opera.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Gosh.......... | 2011/09/16

You are only a fiance after 4 years!!!!!
You pair have no debts stress or issues!
You have a child and no imotional security - why are you not married, you cant even say u are too busy?

Reply to Gosh..........
Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/16

It sounds like you both have too much time on your hands and need more to do. Busy people dont have time to be bored, or to worry about whether somebody else is bored, and I find, when I am at my busiest, I am also at my happiest.

I am not talking about stress, just being involved. I work 10 hours a day, then I have a family to take care of and a husband I need to be a wife to. We do out own house work and each family member knows what their responsibilities are. Week-ends my hubby and I help out when there is school spports where our kids take part, or we just go and watch. Or we do our shopping, spend time with our friends, watch rugby and braai, or whatever comes up. Sundays we chill, get a pizza watch movies and just spend time with each other. We have no time to be bored and consequently dont irritate one another about nonsense. We have our scraps, but we choose our battles.

Get busy. If it is that bad that your fiance wants time away, you must be on his case something terrible. Stop nagging him, find yourself something to fill your time with.

Something I have noticed from a friend of mine. No body likes a moaning mini all the time. They are tiring and pull you down. It''s fine to gripe once in a while, but, if you are permanently bitching about something, this turns people off. Be happy. Fake it till you make it if you must, but try and be light hearted and fun to be with instead of miserable, because that just pushes away. Choose to be happy its a mindset.

Good luck

Reply to Anon

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