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Question
Posted by: Nancy | 2010/11/23

Fighting over expenses

Me and My fiancee will be getting married in January. He''s got two kids and I have one. We have established a fund together for our wedding expenses. My daughter was running behind with her fees and I asked him whether he can give me money from the fund to do so and he agreed, we paid her fees. His daugther was also running behind with her fees but he decided not to tell me but instead took the money and paid her fees. On saturday, I went for my facials, they have a bridal package with products at the rate of R3000.00. He knew I was going for the facials before the wedding but I did not know how much that was, I was shocked by the price but I feel like they are neccessary. Yesterday, when I asked him how much are we left with from our fund, he mentioned that he took money to pay for her daughter''s fee, I told him that is wrong, he should discuss such issues with me because that equals to stealing our money. I don''t have a problem wit that but he should inform me when using the money.

This morning I get a four paged letter from him telling me my facials are so expensive but I complain about him taking out the money and I stressed to him that what is wrong is taking out the money without saying and he does not get it. He is beginning to me how I don''t respect him and am using the money anyhow and how my daugther''s fee was paid from the money. What he does not get is that what he did was wrong. How can I show or tell him that he is wrong? He is instead bring up so many things and I told him that he is behaving like a woman by becoming all emotional and telling me lots and lots of things!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe other readrs can respond helpfully here. To me, if one is short of cash for things like the children's schooling, I don't see very expensive facials as an essential priority. Weddings seem to have become much less about love and marriage, and more about ostentatiopus spending and a display of wealth one may or may not actally possess.
Do you really feel it was outrageous for him to have used some money from your shared fund for his chil's schooling ( after you had done this for your own child ) ; but that the extraordinarily expensive "facials" were essential, and that he need not have known the expense in advance ? ( Indeed, I wonder about you going for such luxury without knowing the exact cost in advance ( which is what you seem to be saying ).
Seeing a couples counsellor together would be a FAR wiser investment than wasteful facials.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bboy | 2010/11/24

Look lady just let it go its money for heavens sake, you both work from the looks of it so why doesn''t both of you pay the money back when you get paid end of discusion, you are going to get bigger probs if this small matter get you down I say leave the wedding, money can make you do stupid things,

Reply to Bboy
Posted by: just saying! | 2010/11/24

mmm, you pay R3000 for a facial, what did they put gold on your face?
You dont need a lavish wedding it sound like it is your second, you can have a elegant wedding for a good price...
and your child is not more important then his child, you knew he had responsibilties when you met him , yes he was at fault for not telling you but you have double standards, you dont have funds for your daughter''s education but you used funds for a big facial... dont fool yourself that is way to expensive. make right with this man and own up .. and I am a woman by the way.. but he also fell behind and at least used the funds for education not for a set of mags or something in that range....

Reply to just saying!
Posted by: Kate | 2010/11/24

Facial over school fees... it''s really a no brainer.
Why would you want to spend so much money on a facial package that is not nec. at all.
I think the reason he did not tell you was because he was afraid that you might object. I would forgive him and also say that he would be right in being upset with you for spending on unesc.facials. Why even have a wedding? You guys are grown up people with kids you should know what life is all about.
Not be having wedding for other people or to complete you picture of what a marriage is.
Rather use that saved money to settle debt, school fees and make a comfortable life for you guys when you combine your family. Instead of having a huge wedding and once its over having to be broke as hell because of the bash you had and having to suffer because of it.
Rather spend the money on the family and making family life more comfortable for everyone.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: Ph | 2010/11/24

I''m not going to dwell on how the both of you spends your money but I''m going to look at the principle. He was wrong to just take from a joint fund without informing you, it does not matter what it was for. From my understanding the facial was something the both of you agreed on? It does not matter how much it cost? Emergencies do occur, and I assume you had no idea about the outstanding fees and being the human being that you are, a caring woman who sees the bigger picture, you would have stopped the facial so that his kid can pay the fees. Please stop kidding yourself by claiming that the facial was necessary. I want you to explain to him that it is the principle, not the money.

Reply to Ph
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/11/23

Good point Man, the poor man is in for it!!
A facial and school fees mmmh I wonder which one is more important?

You couldn''t afford that facial and no it was not a neccesity period. The fact that you are pointing fingers at your man while over looking your own mistakes, red lights are flashing! Him writing you a letter shows maturity on his side. He had to make sure he gets the message across.

I don''t think couples councelling but rather financial management on your part.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: man | 2010/11/23

I cannot believe anyone would marry a woman who spends R3000 on facials she considers necessary.Get him down the ailse quickly once you get him into councelling he will realise marriage to you is probably not a good idea.
A man who has trouble paying school fees cannot afford a woman who spends so much on cosmetic treatments.
The fact that he is bringing up other issues in his four page letter shows he is begining very sensibly to have doubts.
My advice is to marry him asap before he comes to his senses.
My advice to him would be to run as fast as possible in the opposite direction of the church.

Reply to man
Posted by: B | 2010/11/23

Finances play a big role in a marriage. it''s something you really need to discuss before you say your vows otherwise you''ll end up having such quarrels over money which could lead to a miserable marriage. like CS suggested, you need couples councelling asap

Reply to B
Posted by: PMS | 2010/11/23

He should have discussed it with you, but don''t make too big a deal of it. It was for a good cause. Maybe he was scared you would overreact. A facial is definately not a necessity, but a luxury. Education is a necessity!! Prioritise!

Reply to PMS
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/23

Maybe other readrs can respond helpfully here. To me, if one is short of cash for things like the children's schooling, I don't see very expensive facials as an essential priority. Weddings seem to have become much less about love and marriage, and more about ostentatiopus spending and a display of wealth one may or may not actally possess.
Do you really feel it was outrageous for him to have used some money from your shared fund for his chil's schooling ( after you had done this for your own child ) ; but that the extraordinarily expensive "facials" were essential, and that he need not have known the expense in advance ? ( Indeed, I wonder about you going for such luxury without knowing the exact cost in advance ( which is what you seem to be saying ).
Seeing a couples counsellor together would be a FAR wiser investment than wasteful facials.

Reply to cybershrink

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