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Question
Posted by: Peter | 2012/04/23

Fiance''s child.....

I have been involved with a woman for almost two years now. We are engage now. She has a child (10 Years) and I have a child with my previous marraige (11 years) old. Here is the thing and the problem.... I cannot stand her child anymore but love her very much. Here is a list of things that has happened between us and her child:
1.) Her child has stolen my wallet
2.) Her child has stolen my daugthers money
3.) She likes to eat, and steals others kids food at school
4.) She lies everyday
5.) She tells the school that we didn''t give her food and they give her more food.
6.) Infront of her Mom she is an angel, but behind Mommy''s back she is the devil himself.
7.) Doesn''t want to study, hates to study
8.) Manipulates everyone, with her soft gentle cute voice
9.) She will come into the room and watch us sleep, and when I ask what is wrong then she says that she is playing with the kittens
10.) Frauds her mother signature on het tests
11.) Loves boys and can''t stop talking about them
12.) Bullies other kids, but she tells us that she gets bullied
13.) Will never say sorry for any of her actions
14.) Always tired during the week, but never tired on weekends.
15.) I think she has a sleeping disorder, because when I just touch her handle of teh door then she wakes up. (Very light sleeper)
16.) Never wants to play outside, only interested in the TV, Xbox and the computer.
17.) Has a bicycle but doesn''t use it at all.
18.) Goes into others peoples house (complex) adn starts to eat there food.....
19.) She will tell people that she can''t bath tonight, because it is to exspensive to bath every night and will go through a whole week of not bathing or showering when she is not with us.
20.) Likes to negotiate, and take others peoples stuff example cell phones.....and will only give it back when the other person Apologizes to her.....
Now this is just the begining and there is much more..........
The mother (before we met) never thought that there was anything wrong with her child, but I convinced her and showed her that there is.
My question is......I don''t like her child anymore, and can''t stand her when I see her.....and I have thought of rather leaving. Am I wrong and unfair? Because I really do love her very much.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Obviously this child has been behaving really badly. Has she always been like this, and the mother just grew resigbned to it ? Or has she began behaving so badly recently, to distract you and perhaps to disrupt your growing relationship with her mother ?
It would be fair, if even some of the examples you give are accurate, to insist that her mother recognize that this is an unhappy child who is very busy making other people unhappy too, and that if she continues in this way, not only will she destroy your relationship with her mother, but she will continue to grow into a dishonest trouble-maker who will get herself into deep trouble before long.
It is not wrong or unreasonable for you tofind it unacceptable to remain in a relationship where such awful behaviour by a child is alowed to go without remedy.
Get the mother to arrange for her child to be seen and assessed by a child psychiatrist or child psychologist, or at the child psych dept of your nearest medical school, or major provincial hospital or clinic

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Jenna | 2012/04/23

Hi Peter,

look, you cannot blame or hate the child for her behaviour- it is the mothers fault for the obvious lack of discipline or overcompensation for something.

You also cannot expect her behaviour to change overnight.

Now you say only recently did the mother open her eyes to this, but is she actually doing something and being consistant about it?

This child seems very unhappy and she needs therapy, even if for a while (even a loooong while) it seems like it''s not working.

Even though she never met her dad, I''m sure it upsets her that she doesn''t have one. Who knows how many men your girlfriend has introduced her to (not meant to imply anything in anyway), and who knows how many times she thought maybe he can be my daddy? Maybe she is acting out of fear.

Or, on the other side, maybe your girlfriend hasn''t met that many men, and she has bonded so strongely with your girlfriend that she doesn''t want to share (in essence she is trying to drive you away).

Maybe YOU should have a heart to heart, really open up with each other.

She needs help and patience, not hatred.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Peter | 2012/04/23

Hi all, thank you for the answers.
Her father died when she was like 6 months old, so she doesn''t know him at all. Yes the mother realised that something is very wrong after long talks with her and explaining things to her what I saw. But like I said, it gets worst.....punishment, screaming, talking nicely, explaining nicely, locking her in her room, taking away Privileges, like TV, Xbox, basically everything doesn''t even help. She will cry and say that she will never " do it again"  but the next day it will all start over again. The mother will talk to her and explain in a nice way what she is doing wrong and even crying infront of her child to express her pain for what " she"  did or do...... and not even does that work. I have tried my best to help to talk, but still not even that works.
Yes she has been to a shrink before and the psychiatrist asked her to draw a circle of her life and her mothers.......she drew a circle so big it was almost the size of the page, and the other circle was " which was meant for her mother"  was very small and in the corner of the page.
I am so frustrated with all this.....
PS! I am not comparing my child to hers......as I feel that my child should be the one that has problems seeing that she went through a divorce with me and my ex wife, which in my opinion is far worst than anything else, but she has coped very well. No issues with her.
My child and her child do get along, although my child has mentioned before that she didn''t want to come to me anymore because of her........ :-( and that made me sad.

Reply to Peter
Posted by: Pain | 2012/04/23

Wow, that is a lot for a child who is only 10 years old. This sounds very hectic. Can you guys not go for family counseling? Maybe she is not happy with sharing her mom. How is she around your child? How is her mom around your child when her daughter is also there? It sounds very complicated and emotionally draining... Are you perhaps not comparing the two kids? I wish you all the luck, this is rather trying and it requires you guys to be strong and pull together. I will not suggest you leave the mother unless she is not willing to address the issue and get proper help.

Reply to Pain
Posted by: Mika | 2012/04/23

Peter,

This child obviously has some serious issues. Why don''t you help her mum, and get the child some help. Have you discussed with mum that maybe her child needs therapy?

The child seems very disturbed? What about her dad? You haven''t mentioned him. Does she spend time with him?

Remember that she has been her mum''s only child for 10yrs and she may be struggling with the fact that your child is now also part of her mum''s life. She may have a lot of fears and insecurities. But this is no excuse for bad behaviour. Rather seek help for her. Try to find her underlying reason for this obsessive relationship with food.

Is she depressed?





Reply to Mika
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/23

Obviously this child has been behaving really badly. Has she always been like this, and the mother just grew resigbned to it ? Or has she began behaving so badly recently, to distract you and perhaps to disrupt your growing relationship with her mother ?
It would be fair, if even some of the examples you give are accurate, to insist that her mother recognize that this is an unhappy child who is very busy making other people unhappy too, and that if she continues in this way, not only will she destroy your relationship with her mother, but she will continue to grow into a dishonest trouble-maker who will get herself into deep trouble before long.
It is not wrong or unreasonable for you tofind it unacceptable to remain in a relationship where such awful behaviour by a child is alowed to go without remedy.
Get the mother to arrange for her child to be seen and assessed by a child psychiatrist or child psychologist, or at the child psych dept of your nearest medical school, or major provincial hospital or clinic

Reply to cybershrink

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