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Question
Posted by: Anonymous | 2011/01/31

Fiance troubles

Hi There

We have been engaged for almost 6 months and are getting married in 5 months. I dont know what to do, we are fighting about everything at the moment. These are the biggest factors

1 He is in a band, granted the band was quite famous at some point, for the last 2 years it has almost sizzled off, now some f the guys want to get things going again, which will mean touring and gigs and being away from home a lot. He promised me he would leave the band when he got engaged, now he is going back on that.

2 I do not get a long or like his mother, i have tried making an effort with her, and she is just not a nice person. He just does not understand that i am marrying him and not his mother. She neglected to do certain things when he was growing up, like take him for his drivers licence and send him to matric, now I have to suffer the consequence of this.

My dad never wanted to do things without my mother, and i expect the same from him. Is this wrong? I can only ever see my friends when he has band stuff on, that is not fair on my friends, and it looks as if I am using them.

I dont know what to do anymore, I have to sit at home studying on weekends, so I can earn a better salary, and he does band stuff on weekends, which doesnt even bring in extra money!

Help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Firstly, why not see a good local couples counsellor together and see what can be sorted out ? I can understand how, despite his earlier promises to you, he could be tempted if there sems to be a chance of the band successfully taking off again - but the touring, etc., life of a band is not easy for any relationships the band members have with each other, let alone with b and gf.
Its not realisic to expect him to be like your fdad, in good or bad ways - he is himself.
Don't make the mistake many people, maybe especially women, make, of marrying not the guy he actually is, but the guy you hope you will be able to turn him into.
Go for the counselling together it could really help.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ????? | 2011/01/31

Are you sure you want to marry a non driving ,unmatriculated, has been band member?
Your parents must be thrilled!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to ?????
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2011/01/31

You are just looking for trouble that will persue you for the rest of your life. People do not change, there will always be the underlying problem that you are now experiencing. Why not take a step back and have a good hard look at the facts, without emotion. You have to look after your own interests first. Be careful

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Purple | 2011/01/31

Unfortunately men who haven''t grown up yet before you marry them are unlikely to grow up after you marry them.

Before you marry, you really should be in the " love is blind"  phase where even theri faults are endaring. If you don''t feel like that, think hard about whether you can live with these problems you are experiencing now, because they won''t get better, they will get worse and when you have children they will get far worse. Also people tend to parent in the way they were parented, so don''t expect much involvment in your children''s lives from him.

I''m in this boat now, my husband was brought up in a home where the children were just given complete freedom. His parents were in my opinion quite neglectful - he had no bed time, they never sent him to preprimary, they took no interest in his schooling or extra murals, his older brothers bullied him terribly and they never intervened, and they were also abusive, when the children got too out of hand they used to hit them with a belt - but since nobody new what the rules and boundaries were this was just a random occurence according to the parents moods.

I now have to take full responsibility for parenting and have even had to involve our doctor in getting my huband to take part in my child''s life - and now I''m pregnant again, but am going into it with my eyes open this time, and a husband who is taking a more active interest and has even read a chapter of a parenting book.

However, he is never going to be a good parent and it will never stop irritating me.

Think it over - are these the problems you want to deal with all your life, and watch them get steadily worse?

I suggest you write your concerns down to him as you have here, or speak with him or go for counselling so you have a mediator there and can speak to him and see if he can actually get to the point where he understands why these are concerns for you, only then will you know if things will improve and he''s worth marrying.

Right now though, you will be the breadwinner in the family, he will insist he''s going to play in a band (when he''s nearing 50 and tries to hang out with teenagers, you might find this less than appleaing, and your own teenagers will find it down right humiliating) and his mother is going to be an interfering shrew that he will never stand up to to back you up.

Personally I wouldn''t want to do everything wiht my husband. We have different intersts, I" m very sociable so see my friends a lot, and he is a real home body who likes to tinker round the garden, so I go out with my friends for picnics and so on with our children (and my son can play ball games with the other dads and the older brothers) and my husband does whatever he does to the garden.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/31

Firstly, why not see a good local couples counsellor together and see what can be sorted out ? I can understand how, despite his earlier promises to you, he could be tempted if there sems to be a chance of the band successfully taking off again - but the touring, etc., life of a band is not easy for any relationships the band members have with each other, let alone with b and gf.
Its not realisic to expect him to be like your fdad, in good or bad ways - he is himself.
Don't make the mistake many people, maybe especially women, make, of marrying not the guy he actually is, but the guy you hope you will be able to turn him into.
Go for the counselling together it could really help.

Reply to cybershrink

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