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Question
Posted by: angela | 2010/05/05

Fiance passed away

My fiance passed away suddenly on the 21 March. I feel im still in shock as it was sudden. He was 41 and had a heart attack. Im currently on Bromazepam 3 to try and cope as i have 2 children and need to stay strong for them. I dont know what to ask on this forum as i know that im going through a grieving process (which is normal) but because im going through it it does not feel normal to me. People say time will heal but in time its getting worse.....im longing so and i miss him so. I have a special cupboard in my house with all this things in it neatly displayed. Every sunday am at 10h00 i feel im going crazy as this is the time he passed away. He died on the way to the hospital. Worst thing is i was not with him when he passed away. He went to visit his mom that weekend in Hermanus (we stay in CPT)....he was supposed to come home Sunday but he never came home at all....

Friends and family have asked me to visit them but i find myself comfortable at home. I sometimes feel i want to lock all doors and close all curtains and get away from everyone.

As i mentioned i dont know why im posting this .....i dont know what answer anyone can give me....i dont know!! I feel im slipping into a depression.....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Experts with a lot of experience in helping people deal with grief differ as to the use of drugs like Bromazepam - there are a considerable number who believe it is ultimately unhelpful and may "freeze" the grief withou enabling one to work through it usefully. Seeing a counselor experienced in grief may be much more useful.
Bromazepam seems to be wrongly promoted as useful in conditions where there is no good evidence of its usefulness.
Time does heal, but not so quickly, as this is still a very recent loss. The reactions you describe, as I know from manyyears of working with people in grief, as well as from my own grief, are well within the normal range - though that doesn't make them any the less unpleasant. Do consider finding a suitable counsellor - perhaps someone attached to your local hospice program would be suitably experienced

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Our users say:
Posted by: XXX | 2010/05/05

Hi Rick
When people say that time heals, I think they are not saying that you must lie around waiting for time to pass.I therefore agree with you,over time you should do things to keep yourself busy (as per my original comment).
I too have been divorced and went through a rough time BUT did move on and I''m very happy today.
I''m sure Dr Phil gives fanatastic/sound advice but he is also human,as far as I remember he also got divorced some years back.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Rick | 2010/05/05

XXX...time does not heal at all, there are people whom after years have progressed no further than the day tragedy struck their lives. Its what you DO with your time that makes us heal. These are not my words, Dr Phil said that and I used this in my healing process from a divorce, Im assuming one can us the same technique in a death.

Reply to Rick
Posted by: XXX | 2010/05/05

That is very sad news.All I can suggest is that you DO try and get out to friends/family etc.You need their support at a time like this.
You must really try your best to avoid depression as you have yourself and your children to consider.
Time does heal,as hard as that might be to accept now.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Rick | 2010/05/05

Im so sad for you and for your families loss, please try and look at getting some grief councelling. here is a brilliant website that has a forum for widows and widowers and how they deal and cope with this loss. To speak to people who are feeling exactly as you are due to experienceing the same loss as you can help you.

www dot dailystrength dot org

Look for the support group relating to widows and widowers.

regards
Rick

Reply to Rick
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/05

Experts with a lot of experience in helping people deal with grief differ as to the use of drugs like Bromazepam - there are a considerable number who believe it is ultimately unhelpful and may "freeze" the grief withou enabling one to work through it usefully. Seeing a counselor experienced in grief may be much more useful.
Bromazepam seems to be wrongly promoted as useful in conditions where there is no good evidence of its usefulness.
Time does heal, but not so quickly, as this is still a very recent loss. The reactions you describe, as I know from manyyears of working with people in grief, as well as from my own grief, are well within the normal range - though that doesn't make them any the less unpleasant. Do consider finding a suitable counsellor - perhaps someone attached to your local hospice program would be suitably experienced

Reply to cybershrink

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