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Question
Posted by: Jeff | 2010/08/12

Fiance has issues

Hi Doc,

I''ll try to keep it brief, but there is so much to say.
I wrote in a while ago about my fiance that needed space and disappeared for a couple of hours to " think"  about our looking wedding day and the relationship.

She came back and told me that everything is 100% and that she is now sure. I even asked her a couple of times if she is truly 100% sure and she said yes everytime. I told her that she has to be sure after 8 years and to please not do that to me again. I was hurting real bad to think that my GF of 8 years still needs time to think about us.

Fast forward to yesterday and she said she needs more time to think. She said she will move out of the house to her parents to think and I said no. I will move out and stay over at a friends place. She said she will need until next week monday to think.

Look I''m the first one to admit that I have faults that might be the cause of this, but she too has her faults, but my love for her overshadows that and I live with it purely because I love her a lot and I see past that and not hog the negative all the time. She on the other hand just seems to see my negative side.

Yes I am selfish sometimes and act stupid when we go out ect, but I don''t abuse her (verbally or physically), I don''t treat her bad, I am always home and spend time with her, I don''t neglect her, I make her coffee in bed EVERY morning, make her lunch, surprise her with small gifts like chocolates and a note ect ect. It''s just that one thing about me that I mentioned that she has a issue with. Granted, if she is not happy with it and cannot live with it, then so be it. I cannot force her to stay, but come on. She will probably go look for someone that does not have this trait and then end up having 10 other issues that she does not like about the other guy.

It feels to me that she is seeking perfection. Yes, there might be someone that fits her perfect, but he too will have issues that she has to deal with and if she is not happy with that? Will she up and leave as well?

She will be going for a hair, make-up and nail trail for the wedding this saturday and she said to me that I need to worry, because if she is still going for the trails then it means she still wants to marry me. ?????????????????? Did I miss something? She wants time to think if she can carry on like this, but then she gives me potential false hope?

The more and more she does this, the more she pushes me away from her. It shows me that when a hiccup occurs in the relationship she will always exhibit this behavior and put me through this hell I''m going through now. She is not willing to sit and talk about it. She chooses to spend time away from the problem to talk to other people about it instead of me.

She also asked me not to sms, mail or contact her during this time to keep me from " influencing"  her in any way. I aid fair.

Before this whole ting yesterday I went to the shops and bought something and say her fav chocolate. Flake. I bought it, took it home and put it in her bathroom cupboard with a note to say she is special.

Now remember the no-contact rule? Well, she sms''ed me this morning asking when I put the chocolate there and that it was very sweet of me..... again.... ????????????????????? WTH!

Our wedding is in less than 2 months. This adds to her decision. If she decides to stay with me I will always think that she stayed with me because the whole wedding has been planned and paid for, same with the honeymoon. Is she staying with me out of guilt, pity or just because it''s the right thing to do or does she really love me and WANTS to stay with me.

It''s so frustrating to sit here and " hope"  that she decides on me and it''s killing me. The uncertainty.

Doc, what do you think is going on in her mind?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Odd, isn't it ? OK, sometimes we are so busy DOING a relationship that we might not get round to pausing to think about it in a broader sense, but to do so should not take very long - and one would not even dream of agreeing to a wedding, etc., before having done that necessary thinking.
To come back announcing one is now sure - and then insist one needs a second bout of thinking is odder. And how on earth does she know so exactly how long this "thinking" will require ? It will be finihsed by next Monday, but not by next Sunday ?
You sound a whole lot more like the sort of guy most women tell me they want, than are most guys.
You may well be right that she may have highly unrealistic expectations of perfection. I think women's magazines and most especially the flood of chick-flick and rom-coms ( which are, for instance, most of what DSTV under its recent management, force-feeds the nation with ) do real harm to women by suggesting that a certain particular form of perfection is required, and readily atainable.
And what became of the idea of finding yourselves compatible, and working towards perfection in the course of a marriage ? After as long together as you have been, there can be relatively few surprises ahead, whereas with anyone else, there will be a much larger area of Unknown in the relationship.
If she really ha significant doubts about going ahead with the wedding - why on earth waste money and time getting all the hair, nails, etc. done ?
And ou have put your finger on an extremely important element in all this - that she is insisting on dealing with whatever problems she has perceived, solely on her own ( or maybe with input from feminine friends and family ) and refusing to discuss them with you. This is not a good way to find a viable solution, and would be highly maladaptive within a marriage.
I wonder how she would have reacted had YOU done the mirror image of this, insisting on YOUR time out to "think" about it all ? With 2 months to go, that might even be an option worth considering. It would demonstrate the implicit attitude that you should be grateful to sit and wait for her to decide, as though your views and doubts were much less important

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7
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2010/08/12

If she still has doubts after a 8 year relationship - the relationship is not healthy. Sounds like she is keeping secrets - perhaps there is someone else she isn''t sure of and she wants to make sure that she has a nice guy like you to fall back on if that doesn''t work out? Perhaps she''s just looking for some excitement?

I would sincerely recommend couples counseling BEFORE the wedding and if she isn''t willing - call her bluff and cancel the wedding if she doesn''t go to counseling with you. You really need to know WHAT the issue is before you can fix it and since she is not forthcoming, the issue will not be resolved and will only cause problems later.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Interesting | 2010/08/12

Maybe she is angry that it took you 8years to propose, what were you waiting for if i may ask, still looking for other candidate then when you see that none is available then you decided to settle for her?

Reply to Interesting
Posted by: bob | 2010/08/12

Jeff, everyone seeks perfection and nobody finds it, yes it''s 8 years you have been together and I''m sure it hurts to hear she needs time. I suggest you give her time, a week a month what ever it takes, and during that time leave the ball in her court, she needs to decide what she wants, you already know what you want, don''t try and convince her to stay with you, she must make that decsion on her own, there is no point getting married unless there is 100% comittment from both of you. You have to just let go and let her decide.

Reply to bob
Posted by: Jeff | 2010/08/12

Thanks Doc.

Last night at her parents house she received a couple of sms''s and then she later put the phone on silent and put it in her jacket pocket. She obviously does not want me to know that she is talking to someone or she is hiding something. The thought of " someone else"  has crossed my mind, but that is not how I know her. She also doen not want me to know who she is talking to.

I will be seeing a relationship counselor this week or next week to help me. I have no-one to talk to. She has her female friends to gossip to, but I have no-one. She is always the one I turn to when I have something on the heart but without her, I am alone.

I have suggested coupled counseling to her before and she said we don''t need it and it''s a waste of time and money. So I don''t think she will do it and that sucks.

I have started to prepare for the worst. I''ve made my own budget, started looking out for other places to stay and and and. So when the inevitable happens (and I think she will leave me) then at least I''ve prepared myself mentally for it. Although it will hurt like hell and probably screw me up for years to come, at least I know where I stand.

I just cannot understand. No-one s perfect and we are very good together. We don''t really fight fight. We have more disagreements rather. Or just a quick burst of drama, but we don''t fight like throwing things at each other and doors slamming. She is this wonderful person that I wanted to start a family with and if she leaves me I will have to start all over again and probably only going to have kids when I''m like 35 and that''s not what I wanted in life. I have invested so much time and effort in this relationship for her to throw it all away because she this issue.

Thanks for listening.

Reply to Jeff
Posted by: Nia | 2010/08/12

Dear Jeff

Issues and problems always get WORSE after the wedding. They dont get better afterwards - especially not if the partners cannot talk to one another about issues.

From what you are saying I dont see that she will change after the wedding and I honestly think you should postpone the wedding untill your relationship is healed and both of you know that that is what you want.

However, if after 8 years she still does not knowwhat she wants, then clearly she is not happy with things and she is wasting your time.

If you think that a wedding takes a lot of planning and money, then wait until you get to a divorce. Much better not to get married now than to get married, be unhappy and then struggle to divorce.

I suggest you forget about this lady and find yourself a decent girl that will appreciate you and dont mess with your feelings.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: Maria | 2010/08/12

Tell her that YOU will cancel the wedding unless she goes and sees a counseller, on her own and with you, to sort out what is going on. It is better to cancel a wedding than to get divorced 2 years down the line. The current situation is not fair on you. There is a difference between being married and living together, even if you have been together for a long time.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/12

Odd, isn't it ? OK, sometimes we are so busy DOING a relationship that we might not get round to pausing to think about it in a broader sense, but to do so should not take very long - and one would not even dream of agreeing to a wedding, etc., before having done that necessary thinking.
To come back announcing one is now sure - and then insist one needs a second bout of thinking is odder. And how on earth does she know so exactly how long this "thinking" will require ? It will be finihsed by next Monday, but not by next Sunday ?
You sound a whole lot more like the sort of guy most women tell me they want, than are most guys.
You may well be right that she may have highly unrealistic expectations of perfection. I think women's magazines and most especially the flood of chick-flick and rom-coms ( which are, for instance, most of what DSTV under its recent management, force-feeds the nation with ) do real harm to women by suggesting that a certain particular form of perfection is required, and readily atainable.
And what became of the idea of finding yourselves compatible, and working towards perfection in the course of a marriage ? After as long together as you have been, there can be relatively few surprises ahead, whereas with anyone else, there will be a much larger area of Unknown in the relationship.
If she really ha significant doubts about going ahead with the wedding - why on earth waste money and time getting all the hair, nails, etc. done ?
And ou have put your finger on an extremely important element in all this - that she is insisting on dealing with whatever problems she has perceived, solely on her own ( or maybe with input from feminine friends and family ) and refusing to discuss them with you. This is not a good way to find a viable solution, and would be highly maladaptive within a marriage.
I wonder how she would have reacted had YOU done the mirror image of this, insisting on YOUR time out to "think" about it all ? With 2 months to go, that might even be an option worth considering. It would demonstrate the implicit attitude that you should be grateful to sit and wait for her to decide, as though your views and doubts were much less important

Reply to cybershrink

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