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Question
Posted by: Kay | 2011/03/11

Fiancé s insecurities

My fiancé  &  I decided that we need to get a place of our own place, he did not have a good credit record, I went ahead got a bond on my name, he''s helping paying the bond, he very insecure in way that every time we fight he will tel me that he''ll get his own house. I feel he''s more insecure due to the fact that he know''s I earn more than him. I recently told him am going to register to further my studies, he also wants to register, then who will look after our little one.
I even tried couselling for the two of us, he did not want to go, ended going on my own, even though the counselor will want to see the two of us.

Please hep me.I want to make this work

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he has a bad credit record and couldn't get a bond for this house, how on earth does he expect to get another house, as he threatens to do ? He sounds competitive, and as though he feels bad about being much less able to contribute to expenses, housing, etc, than you, but unrealistic about whatever he might be capable of. Its clear that UOU "want to make this work", but it is far from clear that he does.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kay | 2011/03/22

Tegan Thanx a lot for the time taken to response to my message. I have postponned the studying for two years, Am in a field that changing often, I need to catch up on the two years I''ve not being studying. I''ll support him in studies, I''ll see if I cant get a baby sitter for the mornings i go study , so he can also register at the same time.

Reply to Kay
Posted by: tegan | 2011/03/12

Kay, your fiance doesn''t seem to be the kind of guy who would be comfortable with such an arrangement (you studying further, without an equal possibility for him) , if you pursue the idea of you furthering yourself while he just keeps on falling farther behind he will probably just grow to resent you, instead of one day being thankful towards you for sticking by him and making it work when he was not able to contribute as much he would have like to.

You say you want to make it work, so I''m guessing you must be really committed to this person, which is nice to read on this forum for once  ) Whatever caused your fiance''s current financial problem must have knocked his self esteem quite a bit because I''m guessing he was not like this when you originally showed interest in him. When you mentioned that you would like to study further, you caused him to enthuse about a similar possibility for himself, whether he is simply trying to compete with you or you just managed to spark a brilliant idea in his head don''t you think it might be a good idea to support him in this?

If you can afford to get a bond on a house, pay study fees and support a child, you obviously aren''t struggling financially, is there any specific reason you wish to study at this time? It just seems like bad timing, work, studies, a wonky relationship and a young child..Is it possible for you to postpone your studies for a year or two, give your fiance a chance to catch up to? If you feel that you can''t both study, work and take care of a child all at the same time, it seems like good plan to pass the opportunity to your fiance, in the long run it will probably bring you a lot more happiness to see him feel on equal footing with you than the self fulfillment of reaching your own career goals while living with an unhappy spouse..

Reply to tegan
Posted by: QQ | 2011/03/11

Without being sexist.
You are a mommy now. Hubby needs to study so he can secure a better job and income to look better after you and baby. Support him in the decision to further his studies.
Once your baby is bigger and not such a big demand on you, you can study further.

Reply to QQ
Posted by: Habe | 2011/03/11

So you don''t want him to register so that he can play wife...you writing nonsense now.

Reply to Habe
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/11

If he has a bad credit record and couldn't get a bond for this house, how on earth does he expect to get another house, as he threatens to do ? He sounds competitive, and as though he feels bad about being much less able to contribute to expenses, housing, etc, than you, but unrealistic about whatever he might be capable of. Its clear that UOU "want to make this work", but it is far from clear that he does.

Reply to cybershrink

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