advertisement
Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/01/20

Felling guilty but dont know why?

I am 34 and a single parent of a 5 year old. My mom passed away 14 years ago leaving behind my dad and 4 other siblings, the youngest who at that time was 3. Shortly after my mom died my dad told me to leave his house, not because i didn anything wrong but he now says he wanted me to become independant. I have managed to do this. I am a manager in a well-known communications company. Throughout the years i have perserved and have been fortunate enough to be relatively successful. I have helped my family as much as i can. Had them stay with me until they sort themselves out. Provided financially etc. Last year my now 16 year old sister decided to drop out of Standard 7 (Grade 9) and relax at home, my dad never did anything about it. THen he asked if she could come live with me and in August thats what happened. I treated her like my own child - clothed her (she barely had the basics), fed her, entertained her etc. and because it was too late in the year i told her that she could start school this year 2012. Then she became rude and would even ask me why am i buying or spoiling my own child - I did not justify because i work to give my daughter a comfortable home. My daughters father is black and my sister would use the " K"  word around which i dont tolerate because i do not see colour and detest racism. And at 16 how would you know what racism is in anycase. She became demanding and then i sent her back home because she would not listen when i disciplined her. My dad told me to send her back to school - at my expense, when i told to at least contribute something he went back and told her that i didnt want her anymore. He has the tendency to not take any responsibility and let me look after all the kids while he relaxes at home with his girlfriend. I feel bad because i know that i can give my sister a good life, but dont want her to negatively influence my child with the bad manners and i will not tolerate racism in my house or near my child because she knows nothing of it. My dad is nonchalant about the whole thing and gives her carte blanche to do as she please without discipline and when the crap hits the fan he blames me for not stepping up to the plate - albeit the fact that i have an older sister and 2 more after me. Should i be feeling guilty? I buy her things and then she gives it to her friends only to expect to replace it and i am not made of money. Your advise will be appreciated.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You have been kind and generous. But whereas it sounds as though your other sibs have responsibly used your help, this sister sounds lazy and expecting to just be taken care of by others.
You are right to have sent her home to her dad, for being un grateful, lazy and selfish, and rude to others. Don't allow your irresponsible father to blame you or leave everything to you. He has the priomary responsibility to care for his children, and has been far too happy to leave this to you. Why should you waste your hard-earned money paying school fees if she may well not even bother to attend or use the opportunity.
When he tells her you don't want her anymore, use that opportunity to trach them both an important lesson. It is not her as a person that you object to, but her behaviour, which she can and must change. Her, behaving as she was behaving, you truly and wisly do NOT want around any more, and neither would any other human with any sense.
But make it clear that if she changes her bad behaviour, and shows she can and will go to school and work hard there, you can reconsider that decision.
If he has enough money to afford the luxury of a girlfriend, and to "relax" he can afford to send this girl to school - and he might then be motivated to encourage her to attyend and work, as he wouldn't want to waste his own money on her.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. And stop buying the little brat anything until she deserves it, and then limit i to things hat are seriously needed. Her father is irresponsibly training her to be someone who sponges on others, and you should not agree to join that process.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: M | 2012/01/22

Your sister is rude in your own house, knowing she doesnt have a mom and a reliable dad. Its hard turning family away, but your boyfriend and little one is also family and are therefore your first priority. She either needs to follow your rules in your house, or you can let her stay by her dad and help financially i.e. put her through education, buy toiletries and give her the odd lecture when necessary. BUt your child comes first. Your sister''s behaviour could lead to the break up of what could be a happy little family which is not fair.

Reply to M
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/01/20

You have been kind and generous. But whereas it sounds as though your other sibs have responsibly used your help, this sister sounds lazy and expecting to just be taken care of by others.
You are right to have sent her home to her dad, for being un grateful, lazy and selfish, and rude to others. Don't allow your irresponsible father to blame you or leave everything to you. He has the priomary responsibility to care for his children, and has been far too happy to leave this to you. Why should you waste your hard-earned money paying school fees if she may well not even bother to attend or use the opportunity.
When he tells her you don't want her anymore, use that opportunity to trach them both an important lesson. It is not her as a person that you object to, but her behaviour, which she can and must change. Her, behaving as she was behaving, you truly and wisly do NOT want around any more, and neither would any other human with any sense.
But make it clear that if she changes her bad behaviour, and shows she can and will go to school and work hard there, you can reconsider that decision.
If he has enough money to afford the luxury of a girlfriend, and to "relax" he can afford to send this girl to school - and he might then be motivated to encourage her to attyend and work, as he wouldn't want to waste his own money on her.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. And stop buying the little brat anything until she deserves it, and then limit i to things hat are seriously needed. Her father is irresponsibly training her to be someone who sponges on others, and you should not agree to join that process.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement