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Posted by: Nkok0 | 2009/12/14

Feelings for another man

My huband cheated on me about 4 yrs ago and I still have trouble getting over the hurt even when I chose to stay and work on the marriage. On Jan 2008 he told me he wanted a divorce and I begged and cried until I came to my senses and told him he can go ahead with it. While I was waiting for him to file, he told me that he needed to talk abt something really important. In the same period he got sick, flu like symptoms that led him to go to the Dr and get an hiv test which came back +ve. I was devastated for him, me and my daughter who was breastfeeding at the time. When we got the chance to talk he told me he had decided otherwise about the divorce, he told me how much he loves me how he wants to try again. After a month of all this happening, that' s when I met a man that I still feel strongly abt even today. Three weeks ago I wrote abt my troubles with this man (post 3508). I saw him again that week and i was just thinking abt him all the time, the whole weekend I was in bed thinking abt this guy. I felt so sick I couldn' t get out of bed. As if he had power over me. I didn' t know what to do so I thought maybe calling him and confessing my troubles to him will ease the feeling, I did that and I must say I don' t obsess over him like I used to but I still think abt him all the time. The problem is he likes me too, I find myself just basking in his charm smiling while I' m sitting right next to my husband. I told him that under no circumstances will I ever sleep with him cause I am married. he asked me what is it that i want from him and I said friendship.
I don' t feel bad or regret calling him, I think part is because I have so much animosity towards my husband for cheating on me especially how he handled the situation, telling me I have feelings for her, she' s my friend I can' t just dump her like a hot potato. My self esteem at the time was so low I wasn' t even thinking abt leaving.
I wasn' t looking to have an affair with anyone but unfortunately I' m just smitten by this man. I want to go see him and see how I would feel after that, I really do want to do that. I thought I' ll be okay by staying away but I found myself feeling sick and I decided to call him.
My husband and I recognize that our marriage is bad we both agree we need to go for counselling for an affair that happened 4 yrs ago why we are going now is because he never wanted to go for counselling after the affair he told me he' s not the one whose hurt by the affair so if I need therapy I should go by myself. That' s just hurtful sometimes I cannot believe I' m still with a man like my husband. I' m just a rut and I don' t know how to get out. First my marriage and now having feelings for another man.
Pls CS, and everyone help me out.
Thanks you!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I can't help wondering whether he hanged his mind about the divorce, not out of concern for you and your daughter, but because he realized it would be nice for him to have you to care for him when he becomes more sick ?
Don't rush straight into another relationship so rapidly, as such rebound relatonships often end sadly. And many guys are skilled at recognizing a vulnerale woman and taking advantage of her. Rather see a counsellor for someone sympathetic but objecive to discuss your concerns with. Have you been HIV tested, too, so you know your status ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nkok0 | 2009/12/15

Thank you guys so much for your response, i too wonder the real reason why my husband suddenly decided not to divorce. Fortunately my daughter and I are negative.
We will be going for counseling soon and we' ll see what happens, hopefuly it will help.

Reply to Nkok0
Posted by: Shoes | 2009/12/15

Eish, this all sounds too familiar. I met another guy, actually we have know each other for ten years, he is my doctor and is simply gorgeous! Nothing physical happened, also just calls and smses. We are both married, he not so happy. I enjoyed all the attention but still felt deep down that he was a playa as he had an affair with his current wife and the saying goes " when a man marries his mistress, this opens a job opportunity for another" , so I did not want to become his prey. I also want to keep it just to friendship but society frowns upon a man and a lady just being friends. Also, I think the oath that doctors take states that they should not make moves on patients...

Anyway, this is not about me.

I don' t think Nkok0 should hang around, her husband is manipulating her and as the CS says, using her in the event that he may get more sick. It does not sound like a healthy relationship.

Reply to Shoes
Posted by: Bonita | 2009/12/15

This is a tough story. Did you say that your hubs is HIV+? did you have yourself tested? I can truly say that I feel for you as my hubs and myself also went through a tough time. But in my case he physically abused me which left me totally f*cked. I thought I would never get over it but then I did,when I also met someone. Nothing physical but basically the same attention. Its a year later and I still just giggle to myself when I see his smile. I think about him when me and my hubs are intimate.There are times when I just want to close my eyes and just see his face as I dont see him that much anymore. We just basically sms' ed and called each other but I think we both realised that getting physical would be a disaster. Or maybe he just forgot about me, but none the less, it does not change the fact that I still fantasize about him all the time. Its actually funny but it takes so much energy from myself trying to keep myself from calling.

You see the point is, would your husband have " post poned"  the divorce if he was negative?why suddenly love you when he is +? having an affair is not the answer as that guy may or may not use you. You are still weak. I had a friend that said sleep with him then you at least know. But luckily he was stronger. You see you are going to lan up in bigger trouble. You might fall for this guy and then he is just a playa... the possibilities are endless. If you really want to take it further maybe you must get more stronger. I know having feelings for the other man makes your situation a bit easier. But try what I did. Try to be a good friend to him so that he later falls inlove with your friendship and not just the physical. Although I have to admit if that man calsl me now I AM GOING LOL!!!

Reply to Bonita
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/12/15

I can't help wondering whether he hanged his mind about the divorce, not out of concern for you and your daughter, but because he realized it would be nice for him to have you to care for him when he becomes more sick ?
Don't rush straight into another relationship so rapidly, as such rebound relatonships often end sadly. And many guys are skilled at recognizing a vulnerale woman and taking advantage of her. Rather see a counsellor for someone sympathetic but objecive to discuss your concerns with. Have you been HIV tested, too, so you know your status ?

Reply to cybershrink

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