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Question
Posted by: rosie | 2008/06/19

feeling guilty

Hi there
After 11 years of marriage my husband told me that he does not love me anymore and wants to divorce.! Then I started realising that he might be having an affair - lots of evidence (though I'm not sure yet)! I convinced him that we should go for marraige counceling. So we did. He is very hard headed and won't admit to doing anything wrong. But that is not my problem...we are working on that. The other night he asked me who did I tell about our problems. I told our friends and my family, because he did not contacted them for a long time and they were wondering what was going on. He was very dissapointed of me telling it to them, because, he says, he will never be able to face them again and it will be almost impossible to save our marriage now. Now, I feel very guilty for doing that. I just had nowhere to turn to. Was I supposed to keep it to myself? I tried for months and weeks on end but was loosing my mind slowly. Please give advice.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry to hear about this, rosie. I'm not convinced that falling out of love is all that common, and it seems to mainly crop up when there's an affair or something else going on. If what you said about the problems was inaccurate, you can offer to correct it with the friends and family. If it was accurate, re-assure him that if he continues to work with you within marriage counselling, you'll be pleased to re-assure them about how well he is doing in facing and solving the problems --- that would give them more reason to look on him with respect. He should know that you needed and deserved the support of friends and family, which at that time he was not providing, while he was, rather, causing that need. But after the first excuse, don't let him use this as an excuse for not facing the problems he has caused and working to fix them. If he's not man enough to do that, then you wouldn't miss much without him

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Lin | 2008/06/19

Some problems are best kept to oneself. But you needed support and your friends and family gave it.
It sounds to me as if he wants out. Raise this subject with your marriage counsellor. He is most probably feeling embarrassed and ashamed of his infedility.

Reply to Lin
Posted by: Kb | 2008/06/19

I think that you telling friends/family is an excuse for him to actually leave anyway. If he thought the relationship was worth saving, he wouldnt care less who you told. Let him go, and try to pick up the pieces and move on. By the sounds of it you deserve better.

Reply to Kb

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