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Question
Posted by: Nkoko | 2009/11/23

Feeling for another man

Last year I met a man that I instantly fell in love with him. Love at first site and I am a married woman. The first time i layed my eyes on him Ifelt an instant connection. A feeling I' ve never felt in a long tome. Suddenly I was happy and bubbly. I was thinking about him all the time. The guy was married when I saw him. Even though I felt that way about him, I didn' t and still don' t want to do anything abt it. But it doesn' t go away. Whenever I see him my my i still feel exactly the same. I can forget abt him and go with my life as usual but when I see him...bam they come bck. Since I met him over a year ago I' ve seen him 4 times and th last 2 times he was flirting with me he even let me know that he likes me and also mentioned that he feels the energy btwn us. I want the feelings to go away. I' m a married woman and I' m not looking to have an affair with anyone. Even if i would love to atleast kiss the guy I' m not gonna do it. How do I survive this...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

However bubbly someone makes you feel, you know well that as a married woman you have duties to your husband, and as a married man he has duties to his wife - and if he will flirt with you while married to her, he will flirt with others, too. You will survive this by getting things into proportion - and maybe by putting extra effort into working on enhancing your own marriage, and finding more bubbles in it !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nkomo | 2009/11/24

Thanks guys, the unfortunate part is my husband had an affair, an ugly one that took him a yr to end. I know what that can do to a marriage. The man is now going thru a divorce and he' s been making advances on me ever since he started the procedure.
Thanks guys for your advice, thanks CS!

Reply to Nkomo
Posted by: Maria | 2009/11/24

Your own marriage is probably not meeting your emotional and/or physical needs. Sit down and take a good hard look at your relationship with your spouse. Identify which areas you want to work on. Don' t approach this in such a way that you attach blame (" He never buys me flowers / cleans up the house / hugs me" ). Rather see what you can put into your marriage to improve it, and start talking to your partner about his needs and your needs. Recreate your relationship rather than looking outside. The attraction of someone else is partly because you don' t really know this person. He could be an abusive and unpleasant person in his private life for all you know.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: March | 2009/11/24

If your partner were to find out, be prepared to change his personality forever or lose him for good. A marriage is never the same after an affair and it has major repercussions for years if you manage to stay together. its not worth it.
Go for couselling on your own to identify why you are attracted to someone else. If you still feel you want to be with this man, you should leave your partner first and see if he will leave his wife.
Married people having affairs is a recipe for disaster, I have seen this many times and the children get the brunt of the bitterness, hatred, resentment and anger.
Think carefully.

Reply to March
Posted by: AnonG | 2009/11/24

Yip I' m the same. Married for ages, loving husband and fell " in love/lust"  with another guy at work. Got so bad that I started shaking when he was around, after months I couldn' t take it any more so I made a move - and was told in no uncertain manner that he is engaged and not interested in me. So that cured me in record time. Sometimes one has to do something to dissolve the feeling, whatever that is, but to just leave it it won' t go away - as a matter of fact it will just get worse, like an obsession. Good luck. To me this is almost like " proof"  that one can love more than one partner. Personally I could see myself with two or three men... But I guess in this lifetime this will remain a fantasy...

Reply to AnonG
Posted by: Gene | 2009/11/24

Hi there. I wish I could help you but unfortunetly I am in the same position. Its not a nice feeling. I pray that it must go away and I dont even attempt to fall for his " ways" , My relationship was not in a good state with my husband at the time but still regardless I dont want to get involved in such nonsence but the fantasies wont go away. I make as if I dont see him when he rides past. I HATE feeling like this. Comments and advise would help me too. Good luck!

Reply to Gene
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/24

However bubbly someone makes you feel, you know well that as a married woman you have duties to your husband, and as a married man he has duties to his wife - and if he will flirt with you while married to her, he will flirt with others, too. You will survive this by getting things into proportion - and maybe by putting extra effort into working on enhancing your own marriage, and finding more bubbles in it !

Reply to cybershrink

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