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Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2012/02/17

Feeling Down Trodden

Hi CS and others,
Those of you that are being your usual unfriendly self, remember it is your choice but you have to live with it, I don''t heed any nastiness or bitchyness.

CS, you will probably understand this better than most, I feel like such a fool for allowing this to happen again, that I have this fiance and I am in a loosing battle. I am feeling such deep hurt that I have the urge to hurt myself and it is taking a lot of constraint not to do anything. I had cut myself in December and the marks are permanent. I want the pain of being caught up in this situation to stop, I feel abused,used and downright unhappy. The fiance doesn''t seem to pick this up, even if I am cold towards him and turn away, he is still persistent and still wants to marry me. I don''t believe getting married is a good idea and have thus advised him that our set date is moved out. I am giving him the chance to redeem himself, he has to prove to me that he will be able to take care of me and settle the mess he caused, then maybe I will marry him, I don''t know.
I have so much on my plate at the moment that it is overwhelming, I don''t know what to pick up and what to leave. I am hearing things and it is disconcerting. I really wish I could express in words how I feel. The suicidal thoughts are never far away and with my kids not being with me, this adds to the pain, I feel like such a failure, towards them and myself.
I really cannot understand how this issue is always recurring, I do my level best or so I think not to get into these situations, but how do you know beforehand?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, as neurotics, we don't always learn from our mistakes the first time round. But instead of just protesting, lets force ourselves to learn what we need to learn. NO man, let alone a disappointing one, is worth harming yourself in any way over. You know from very long experience, that cutting and hurting yourself physically in no way helps resolving your psychological hurt. This needs to be dealt with with your shrink(s).
By all means postpone not merely marriage but any decision on proceeding with marriage. You know your kids would be damaged if you suicided, whether or not they were with you at the time.
He needs to repay you in full and with interest all the money of yours he has used, long before its worth even thinking forther about marriage, and he needs to know that any further financial shenanigans will lead to criminal charges for fraud. Money seems to be his primary interest.
Keep dusting, and standing up again
Work with your psychologist to be able to lean on yourself, not needing a man who may be wanting something very diferent from what you actually need.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/02/18

OK, as neurotics, we don't always learn from our mistakes the first time round. But instead of just protesting, lets force ourselves to learn what we need to learn. NO man, let alone a disappointing one, is worth harming yourself in any way over. You know from very long experience, that cutting and hurting yourself physically in no way helps resolving your psychological hurt. This needs to be dealt with with your shrink(s).
By all means postpone not merely marriage but any decision on proceeding with marriage. You know your kids would be damaged if you suicided, whether or not they were with you at the time.
He needs to repay you in full and with interest all the money of yours he has used, long before its worth even thinking forther about marriage, and he needs to know that any further financial shenanigans will lead to criminal charges for fraud. Money seems to be his primary interest.
Keep dusting, and standing up again
Work with your psychologist to be able to lean on yourself, not needing a man who may be wanting something very diferent from what you actually need.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2012/02/17

In response to some of the questions: the fiance withheld information from me which potentially led to him loosing his vehicle, it was the only one he had for his business. He convinced me to take out a loan to help him gain access to other funds. If I had known about his vehicle, I would have made sure he paid that first. He then also confinced me to sign over my car to a friend, who in turn lent him R10000 - I am responsible as it is my car and it is paid off, now I must start paying again, I don''t think that is fair. He is using my vehicle for his business, but we have no guarantee how long we are going to have the car anymore. In December I took an advance on my salary to help him again and it made January hell, I missed payments and so forth.

I went into Denmar to try and make sense of everything, plus my psycologist and I had done some digging into my past, hypnotherapy and a lot of what came out she could tie up to things I had previously told her or to a timeperiod. What I found out shook my world a bit and when my family decided to get my mother''s ashes, my grandfathers and then my recently deceased gran and buried them all in the oldest uncles garden, it was difficult for me and brought many memories back and then to top it all off I had to watch my children leave with my sister, as she is currently their guardian, friends of mine, past friends and things that they said about me led up to this as well as the death of my sons father. I took an overdose of tablets, I don''t remember what triggered me and I don''t knowwhy I did it, this happened almost 2 years ago.

It might seem to all of you that I always have a man in my life, this is however not true, but they do seem to show up when I am at a low point in my life and then I welcome them because I need someone to lean on and then they change.

Maybe I should avoid men, I have been thinking that myself. Don''t want any relationship whatsoever. Anyway that is how my life goes and I again have to stand up and dust myself off.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: Suggestion | 2012/02/17

Men always cause u problems yet you always have a man.........
Perhaps to avoid these reoccuring situations it would be best to give up men?

Reply to Suggestion
Posted by: Pixie | 2012/02/17

hi, could you perhaps elaborate on what your fiance did? Why aren''t you trusting him? Do you believe that he loves you with all his heart? It doesn''t sound like you trust him with your life or your heart or your children even.

I know what cutting is about, I have done it before, the physical pain is far better than the emotional pain, but it is unhealthy behaviour and you shoudn''t do that. Love yourself! Always love yourself first, before loving someone else.

Do you have kids from a previous marriage? I''d love to chat to you a bit about this. I am in a relationship with a man who has two boys from a previous marriage, he has been to hell and back and seemed to always fail at getting that special someone to spend his life with and to be a healthy rolemodel for his boys. I think I understand where you are coming from.

Reply to Pixie
Posted by: In motion | 2012/02/17

beyond tired Please ask him to give you some break. I don''t think people are being nasty but only trying to help. you starting to sound irrisponsible how can you even think of sucide because of some looser, what about your kids? maybe you trying to hard to get married. if this is the man you meant to marry he will understand and give you some time to find yourself

Reply to In motion

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