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Posted by: Pink | 2008/10/15

Feeling down

Hi my wife and i have been married for 12 years (me 33 Wife 30) we seem to not be on the same page anymore i would like to make love more often but am lucky if it is twice a week now.Also she never seems to be in the mood or even trys to star anything. I am starting to feel pushed away and if I try talk to her it ends in a fight. Her comments are ' is that all i' m good for"  but I am at the end of understanding what might have happen to the old us. Can you explain to me how I can handle this rejection feeling.And how to cope with the low libido from her

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

The average frequency for sexual activity in a long term relationship is 1ce or 2ce a week, so you are pretty 'normal' as a couple - but this doesn't necessarily help much does it? Let me explain further...

It is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'.

In addition to these changes (which are nobody's fault), there may be other changes (in you or her, your lives) that mean that her libido has taken even a bigger knock. It is important to make sure that you are both satisfied with the relationship - this includes asking her for feedback about how she feels/anything she'd like to improve, and likewise, you give her feedback and discuss what you would like to improve. Do this very gently!

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. In other words she needs to know that your libido is higher - and this is normal - as is it normal that hers is lower. Therefore there is a necessary tension which needs to be addressed. There are things you can do to show her that you understand that she feels that you see her as only being good for sex - the most obvious of which is - tell her more about the other things that you appreciate about her. Also don't go for the sexual organs (i.e. breasts, bottom, vulva) when you hold her in a non-sexual situation (e.g. first thing in bed, when she's washing up or doing something), and don't tell her how sexy she is in a non-sexual situation - tell her more about how attractive/beautiful/gorgeous she is etc rather than 'sexual descriptions'. This is not necessarily a rejection, although you are not alone in feeling this way, it's more about her own deprioritisation of sex which then means that you are requesting something which she doesn't feel able to give more of.

As long as there is flexibility, you may find that at times sex is more frequent, but there will also be times when it is less (and although you might not feel like it, you will survive and you will be no less of a man for it!) What's with counting frequency of sex anyway - what does it really mean if it's not meaningful/loving/playful? Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces their sexual interest; she may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because she's afraid it'll lead to sex. The best way forward is to drop the expectation, and go with the flow more. Talk to her about this so she knows she can relax a bit. She probably knows that you have a higher sex drive than she does, so maybe talk about ways that this can be met when she's not desiring it (a useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?). If it ends up with you 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating) more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as she could drive her response a little more to meet some of your needs. But do remember, you are already having a relatively good frequency of sex compared to norms...so perhaps you also need to adjust your perspective (i.e. this is a normal tension, not a rejection, this needs to be managed...)

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: koos | 2008/10/16

it is called MARRIAGE!

Reply to koos
Posted by: Erica | 2008/10/15

Pink, what is her work &  home schedule like? Does she have to travel long distances, have lots of housework &  kids to sort out when she gets home? If this is the case then share the workload at home. I too have been there where I am so exhausted from doing the school run, work, then housework, homework etc that I couldnt be bothered about sex... but once explained to my partner what i was going thru, he willingly helped and lightened my workload.... we then had more time together. If workload is not an excuse then pehaps start romancing her like you did before you got married.... a woman does like to feel that she is a bit more than a slave who is expected to be a whore in bed.....

Reply to Erica
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/15

Apparently libido decreases with age. And getting it twice a day is the norm. I think maybe you need to look at this again, take a look at her lifestyle. There are most likely many factors leading to her low libido.

And again, twice a week is good going. Some people only get it twice in a month!

Reply to ?

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