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Posted by: HOw the hell do I handle this? Urgent!!! | 2009/11/03

Feedback: In utter shock

Hello CS and all the people who gave advice. I wanted to give some feedback, maybe it will help someone.

1.) We went to our paediatrician, she did a vaginal exam, took a swab and sent her to do both a hepatitis and an HIV test.
2.) As a minor was involved, social services was called
3.) We had to open a case at the police station. ( I have to add that we were treated with respect and sensitivity. We did not have to speak to a male at all)
4.) Social services and a local NGO that does trauma counseling has already seen her and spoken to us. Social services already knew the family of the boy involved
5.) Due to the fact that two minors are involved FCS (Family and children' s services) are coming to see us at home today
6.) The children' s school will be involved and I am not sure how we will handle the situation there. I am seeing the principal today.

My daughter seems as ok as a 7 year old can be. She doesn' t want to go to school and is highly embarres about the whole thing. She doesn' t want to speak to males about it at all, but she still gives hugs and kisses to her step dad and her brothers.

I do feel sorry for the boy - the boy is 10, he has flunked a year already and will probably flunk this year again. There is also another brother in the home, and a baby sister.

A question came up of where the baby sitter was. The answer is that I was home during the time, the children were watching movies, My son fell asleep and that is when the the boy touched her. The whole thing didn' t last more than 5 minutes. It is easy to judge people, but walk a while in my shoes, before you pelt me with stones. I guarantee you that you wouldn' t have known either.

My son was very ill this year, he nearly died. He had rheumatic fever and that triggered pediatric dysthymia. He was on Xoloft for a few months and has just stabilized emotionally and mentally - only been off the xoloft for a month or two. Having a new best friend was the best thing to happen to him, he is heartbroken, and I don' t yet know how we will handle his emotional state.

As for the grown-ups (my husband, myself, her father and stepmom), we have decided that we will not let this episode be the event that shapes our daughter' s life. This is just an experience, and she does not have to live with the knowledge each day. we will all move past this.

10 minutes later - The parents of the boy is now harassing us! The mother called for the umpteenth time. First she said her son would never do something like that, the she called to say that her son said he never did anything, then she called to say that my 7 year old daughter initiated the whole encounter!! Needless to say, we are now getting a restraining order against them. I cannot unplug my phone because I am expecting calls from the police, social services etc.

Thank you all, for your messages of support.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Thanks for the feedback, and I am delighted to hear that the police have been handling the case apparently well so far. One of the most idiotic decisions of recent years was when the specialist child potection units were closed down - I'm pleased to hear you have been lucky enough to encounter sensible and apparently capable people at your local station.
Involving child welfare / social services makes good sense. I'm not surprised to hear that they already knew of the boy's family. Hapopy kids from happy families may explore and experiment a little, but rarely go as far as in this instance.
I don't understand why people would have criticised you - you did as much as any competent paent would have done, and cannot be blamed - these things happen, and if one took more stringent seps to try to make it impossible for such things to ever happen, the protections could damage the child even more than the otherwise small risk.
As for your son, remind him that nothing is his fault, that he was not to know that his new friend might do something nasty, and that he has proved that he can make and enjoy friendships, and will find other and better friends now.
Sorry to hear of the unhelpful responses of the boy's mother, but I suppose they are to be understood - what mother would be eager to believe that their child was capable of doing something like that ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2009/11/04

I have a 7 year old daughter of my own and I was molested by a family friend' s slightly older son when I was still in primary school. Your story horrifies me but I have a feeling it' s not as uncommon as we would like to think. This boy has probably been exposed to sexual content that he couldn' t handle so he tried it out on the first available girl. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to keep the lines of communication open, get her appropriate therapy and never shy away from talking to her about sex and relationships. It sounds as if she has a very supportive family structure. I suffered in shame and silence, and even though what happened to me was not as bad as what happened to your daughter, it took me 19 years to tell someone and to start the process of normalising my attitude towards men.

As for supervision, nobody supervises kids that age at all times. They' re old enough to look after themselves for a while.

(((HUGS)))

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Just asking | 2009/11/03

Thanks for the very comprehensive feedback and well done in the way you have handled this ugly affair. I fear that me asking about the sitter/supervisor may have been incorrectly construed as being judgemental of you as a parent. Far from it. It was a natural question I would have asked if told about the incident. Like if someone tells you their house was burgled, I would ask, how did they get in ? did you have an alarm, etc. So, sorry about that and if I did offend, please accept my sincere apology. You do not need critisism at this time, that' s for sure. Sorry about the mother' s reaction, but I guess its natural. I hope they sort him out. Some one said that intellectually challenged boys have a higher than normal sex drive, so maybe that is the case here ? Anyway, good luck.

Reply to Just asking
Posted by: Dixie | 2009/11/03

I am glad you handled this with caution and sensitivity. Even at 10, a child is very vulnerable. Who knows what prompted this child to do this.He could have been abused himself or seen some bit of pornography and wanted to experiment. He may himself have psychological problems.

Don' t let this incident take over your child' s life. Be as normal around her as possible and let her know she has nothing to be ashamed of. Make her feel proud for being so brave to tell mummy what happened.

My brother is now 18. When he was around 13, he was bullied at school by a group of older boys. They not only beat him regularly, but fondled him. My parents chose to rather change his school.

Reply to Dixie
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/03

Thanks for the feedback, and I am delighted to hear that the police have been handling the case apparently well so far. One of the most idiotic decisions of recent years was when the specialist child potection units were closed down - I'm pleased to hear you have been lucky enough to encounter sensible and apparently capable people at your local station.
Involving child welfare / social services makes good sense. I'm not surprised to hear that they already knew of the boy's family. Hapopy kids from happy families may explore and experiment a little, but rarely go as far as in this instance.
I don't understand why people would have criticised you - you did as much as any competent paent would have done, and cannot be blamed - these things happen, and if one took more stringent seps to try to make it impossible for such things to ever happen, the protections could damage the child even more than the otherwise small risk.
As for your son, remind him that nothing is his fault, that he was not to know that his new friend might do something nasty, and that he has proved that he can make and enjoy friendships, and will find other and better friends now.
Sorry to hear of the unhelpful responses of the boy's mother, but I suppose they are to be understood - what mother would be eager to believe that their child was capable of doing something like that ?

Reply to cybershrink

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