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Question
Posted by: Miss Blue | 2010/02/17

Feedback for CS

Hi CS,

We sat down and chatted last night. He still didn' t see what was the big deal of him constantly saying ' act like a mother' . He couldn' t see how anyone would get upset by that. So I said to him, If told you to act like a man, what would you think. How would you feel?

I told him I try hard, and my best doesn' t meet up to his standards and I want to know what I can do to improve.

He went on about how he is still angry about the e-mail I sent him telling him I felt insulted and as if i can' t do anything right or to please him. He reluctantly said he was sorry. It took him about 3hrs to say to me that I am not such a bad mother.

I told him how lonely I am. I need emotional support from him. I have been ill myself. I was so depressed last yr and went on antidepressants and I had pneumonia and it took me a while to recover. In that time, even when I was on sick leave, I would get up early, prepare breakfasts and lunch, clean during the day and cook. I am making an effort.

He said he needs help in the morning. he gets our daughter ready by himself. I did tell him that he is the one that put himself in that position because he wants to do everything for her. He still said it is my duty as a mother. But apparently all this is going to stop next yr because she will be older. I will see.

CS, I will wait a bit and then suggest we go to therapy. He is a good person, but very hard to reason with and make him understand.

Thank you CS,

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Thanks for the feedback - and congratulations on the real progress you have made. At some later stage it may be worth gently reminding him that to say "You insulted me" is an accusation ; to say "when you said that, I felt insulted" is feedback and information about how you felt, and not a criticism of what he did which presumably was not intyended to produce that emotion in you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2010/02/17

That must have been very hard to do Miss Blue. I' ve found that often if you leave a man to think about things for a while he will come and present your suggestion to you as if it is something that he thought of himself.

Does your husband read? Maybe you can leave some parenting books lying around the house which will give him a clue of what a child of 6 should be able and expected to do. For yourselves I can also recommend 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. If he won' t read the book just ask him to fill in the questionnaire, that will give you more insight into his needs that he might not even realise is not being met.

Just remember when things go badly it' s not your fault. And this " duty as a mother"  business is bs if both parents work. There are things that parents do for kids and if both parents work those things cannot be pushed onto the mother. Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/17

Thanks for the feedback - and congratulations on the real progress you have made. At some later stage it may be worth gently reminding him that to say "You insulted me" is an accusation ; to say "when you said that, I felt insulted" is feedback and information about how you felt, and not a criticism of what he did which presumably was not intyended to produce that emotion in you.

Reply to cybershrink

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