Posted by: Help please | 2009-02-19

Fear, Worry

I cheated on my husband a few years ago, we got together again, but I am always worrying about what I did and that he might do it to me,he still habours a lot of anger inside. I have lost my self confidence and my own trust. I do not want to see any phycologists or anything I just want some advise. What can I do to prove to him that I am genuine and won' t make the same mistake again, how do I re-build our relationship without continously worrying about doing the wrong thing

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Our expert says:
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There is no simple adice of the sort you are seeking, which anyone can give you. ONLY seeing a psychologist or marriage counsellor, ca help, best if you work on these issues together. The personal insecurity and clinging poblem would be best helped by individual counselling prior to starting marriage counselling. And I would not recommend a church counsellor who is usually not properly and thoroughly trained

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Our users say:
Posted by: Help please | 2009-02-23

HI D and Sanet,

Thank you both very much. May you both have many blessings in your lives.

Take Care

Reply to Help please
Posted by: Sanet | 2009-02-21

I went through the same thing. It will have to take time... You must be patient
Do something that he likes ie. If he likes a specific dish, ccok it for him. Make sure you always keep him busy with things he likes. Go out with him and see if he will flirt infront of you. But if he does, don' t show you are angry. Don' t show your guilt to him. Just show understanding. If he sees you are like that then things will get warmer.

Reply to Sanet
Posted by: D | 2009-02-20

There you go, you just gave yourself good!

You will be fine eventually. Just don' t punish yourself for the rest of your life, ok!

Reply to D
Posted by: Help please | 2009-02-20

Thank you to all of you for your advise and lectures.

D, I could never leave, I love hubby far too much, he is my other half. I will do anything to help him and for us together we are important to each other he has said this to me as well yes I have hurt him very much and even though he has told me as much he says in the same breath, that he loves me very much and as I also feel we do not want to be with anyone else. Yes it is hard but love does conquer all eventually and I truely believe that. Sometimes one has to fall really hard to learn the lesson, at least I learnt.

Reply to Help please
Posted by: D | 2009-02-19

Somehow I feel that maybe you should start fresh.

You will forever be feeling guilty, you always be blamed for everything, you will always be your husbands ' punching bag'  or doormat, because of your guilt, basically subserviant to him.
What you did was wrong, and you are reaping the consequences, but being married to someone and loving someone, you can' t be the way you are right now, sad and depressed you suppose to be content. He has already said you killed a part of him, and a relationship of love is built on both giving their all.

I know you probably love your husband dearly, but you cant punish yourself forever, its not right.

I think its time for you to move on, and maybe not go into another relationship for a while and sort out yourself and work through all your issues first.

Give yourself time!

Reply to D
Posted by: Consequences | 2009-02-19

I can judge from your response to my rather hard line but sincere approach that you ARE really sorry for what you did and for that I as another human being, must feel sorry for you, as I do to your poor old hubby . Unfortunately I am unable to give you any advice other than perhaps what you have done and your revalation may just put another person off who may be contemplating an affair. That would have at least saved someone from the pain and turmoil you are and will suffer. Take some solace from the fact that you may have helped someone else.

Reply to Consequences
Posted by: Help please | 2009-02-19

I am also sorry, more sorry than anyone even yourself could ever imagine. I did not do it by myself, there were circumstances, and I do not use that as an excuse either, it just helped. I agree with your sentiments and yes I do have to live with it for the rest of my life. The pain of it is excruciating, but derserved.

Reply to Help please
Posted by: Consequences | 2009-02-19

I wish that anyone out there contemplating the idea of having an affair reads what has been written. You guys just never thought about the consequences of your actions. I am sure you have killed your hubbys affection and more and you know what is sad and tragic ? its the fact that no matter what you do or say you will NEVER win that back. Your hubby is a far better man than many, as that for me and others would have been the ultimate, emasculating, hurtful deal breaker that you can ever imagine. I would have divorced you on the spot. Now of course you will live with your hurt and sorrow, fears and regrets for the rest of your life. The only consolation you can draw from your actions would be to hope that others read your story and thjnk very carefully about doing what you did. I am not condemning you outright, simply saying how it is. Sorry.

Reply to Consequences
Posted by: Help please | 2009-02-19


Thank you so very much, I figured that this would be a rest of my life senerio. I have accepted thatand also that I am going to be blamed for anything that goes wrong, I sometimes feel I deserve to be, I did as you, changed jobs, everything, and I still do everything for him as I used to. Going for counselling is hard though, that is why I haven' t done it. I did go once when the trouble started and the counsellor was most unhelpful, maybe there is a better one somewhere. But I feel that I messed up and I should fix.

Reply to Help please
Posted by: BEEN THERE | 2009-02-19

Hi i have been there done that - it is extremely hard - I changed jobs etc.... and just tried to show him how much I love him.
I always have been there for him and done everything - so that did not change. I have also lost my self confidence and am very insecure, I still to this day always think that he will do it to me. If I get angry with him or anything and try to have my say and say you hurt me - he jumps at the chance to say oh but you hurt me (well that is what I think anyway). I am finding it very difficult. My suggestion is that you do go for councelling, as I did, but did not complete it properly and I think that is why I am still like I am - I feel guilty everyday of my life - and I do not like it. Please try go even if you just go to a Church counsellor - it really will help.

Posted by: Help Please | 2009-02-19

Thank you, it is nice to know there is a voice out there that answers. I have on many occassion told him this, he says he believes me and he knows that I am telling the truth. But I have turned into a clinging, insecure person and a worrier. But he says I hurt him very badly and I killed a part of him this he says won' t ever change he is never going to be affectionate as he was and he never was really that affectionate. I regret so much what I did and I wish so much that there was something that I could do to help him heal.

Reply to Help Please
Posted by: good advice | 2009-02-19

It is a difficult issue to work through, because the foundation of trust has been broken. The best thing to do is communicate your feelings to your husband, explain that you are truely regretful for what happened and do not intend for it to happen again. Proving it to him is not going to be easy due to the anger he harbours, give it time.

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