Posted by: andy | 2009/09/23

Fathers visitation rights

Hi There, I' ve posted previous as dricky post161. Please advise on the post below that I posted on the divorce support group.

Hi all,
I have been in a verbally, emotionally and financially abusive relationship with my boys father. eldest is 2yrs baby is 6months. I found myself a cheaper place and will be moving beginning oct. He has treated me so badly that
i don'  t want to see him ever again. We are still in the same flat and at the moment he kinds of want to force me to sleep with him. I'  ve asked him to leave on numerous occasions but he refuses he just says he will go when I move out.
Anyway I don'  t want any contact with him in future but he want to be in the kids lives, I don'  t want him to have our new address as he will come there with his litre Old brown sherry, drink until his drunk and refuse to leave when his supposed to. How do I facilitate visitation in this case or maybe I should be those b...tch
mommies who refuse access to the kids. He left us three weekends in a row without food to go drinking, so in a way I don'  t think he deserves to be in their lives.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Hi Andy,

I understand your conflict and wanting to do the right thing is often not aligned with what we feel.

The question here is not whether what he deserves or not, but what your children deserve and initially all children deserve to have both parents in their lives.
However, especially that your husband is abusive on many levels, gives you the right to set out certain terms, for your well being as well as your children's and with people like their father this can only be enforced correctly through legal action. It doesn't need to be ugly or expensive, but you can refuse that visitation is at your private address and given the young age of the children and his drinking problem visits could be organised as supervised until he can prove that he is addressing his problem and is willing to act as a responsible father. Mediation is a good way to start. Until then, have you got perhaps family or friends you could stay with to break the pattern of abuse and allow yourself to claim back your freedom and happiness.

You are right to not want to put with this any longer!

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Paul Rosenberg | 2009/10/01

Hi Andy,

Firstly no one should be forced into having sex whether he is your husband or not. If you or your children feel unsafe there than get out and find somewhere safe to stay for short time until you can relocate. I take it you must be renting. If so be carefull of who' s name agreement is in as they will be responsible for paying rent.

If you trust your ex with the children than it is essential that you put aside your anger, resentment, bitterness, etc towards him and allow, for the sake of the children, father time access. Be thankful and grateful that he wants to see and spend time with his children as many fathers choose not to or are pushed away from their children with spitefullness from their partners.

As Nadia commented above brilliantly, mediation will help and save you a lot of money and stress and is well worth organising. I know mediation helped me arrange shared care with my three children.

Warmest Regards
Paul Rosenberg
Co Founder SPU - Single Parents University

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