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Question
Posted by: TT | 2008-12-18

fathers child

I have a 4 year old daughter and the father of my child is denying me access to see the child. we both live in pretoria. he stays with a girlfriend.we are not married. I only see the child when he wants me to see her. i raised the child by myself and this year she had to live with my parents in western cape in january but she came back in june due to problems at home. Since then she has been staying with her fathers parents in johannesburg. I had to go to jhb around 5pm and its dangerous to drive around Alex if you are a woman. The father didnt want to fetch the child himself. we both have cars. A week ago i went to Jhb to fetch the child so that she can be closer to us during holidays and I took her to her father because i live in the qarters of where i work and i wanted her to stay with the father for the nite so that i wudnt have a problem in the morning. The father stays with her girlfriend and some nephews who take care of our daughter whilst im at work. He was so furious with this arrangement. withwe broke up 8 months ago and we dont live far from each other.we both work work and support the child and yesterday i spent R700 on clothing for the child inlcuding toys. The only thing he bought was 2 tshirts and some lousy things for her. I have a very loving boyfriend who understands my situation and loves my daughter and he suggested I get professional help but where or who do i contact? evertytime I must fetch my daughter there must be quarrels. I took the daughter yesterday after work and he was no there and when i took her to him this morning there was also a quarrel as to why i didnt inform him about this.why is this happening? Pls help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I entirely agree with Nozi. It sounds as though you drop the child at the father's place without informing him in advance or checking whether this suits him, simply to suit your own plans --- no wonder that bothers him.
This also sounds like the type of problem which arises when a couple make up a plan as thry go along, rather than having a court decide properly, and provide a plan they must both keep to. Maintenance will be decided according to the child's needs and to the income each of you has. Custody should depend on who can best provide for the child's needs.
You seem to be thinking mainly of yout own convenience. And exposing the child to this squabbling is not good for her --- she will be feeling like a nuisance and a burden, rather than a loved child. It sounds as though this year you've had other people mostly care for your child --- your parents, his parents, and him. Why can't you provide more care yourself ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nozi | 2008-12-18

I can' t seem to see why you can' t keep your own child, can' t you put her in a creche during the day?here you write you took the child for one night, than it seems like the father looks after the child on a perm basis.
You need to contact the child' s court, you may have to pay the father maintenance for keeping the child, I for one wouldn' t let another woman bring up my child and a girl at that.
I don' t see why you complaining about spending on your child, she is yours, yes the father is being horrid but who wouldn' t, he spends more time with the child than you.
You complain about traffic, we as mothers have to drive in traffic, maybe then use public service if you can' t handle traffic.
By all this querreling don' t you think it' s upsetting the child, she may have to go for counselling or maybe you all need to as this is very harmful to the child seeing mom and dad always fighting.

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