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Question
Posted by: Daughter | 2008/06/02

Father daughter issues

Hi there

My parents divorced when I was 3 years old - it was a messy ugly divorce as my dad cheated on my mom.

It never really affected me, I was too young to understand fully what was going on. We still saw him once a month so it wasnt so bad. Then we started seeing him once a year, he started missing things like birthdays and school concerts and prizgivings and things - but I quickley grew accustomed to him not being around and it really didnt bug me. I knew my mom and dad were very different people, I knew he had a new family and was working hard all the time and he lived far away so I sort of understood his absences - after being dissapointed 4 times by him I just shrugged it off.

I am getting married now at the end of the year and I wanted him to walk me down the isle - or at very least attend the wedding but he lives in ZN and said he wont be able too. I didnt think that it would upset me as much as it has though. I am so angry at him for not making the effort, I told him a year in advance to give him time to save up to come over, on top of this he did not even offer to contribute at all to the wedding!

Everytime someone mentions the father daughter dance or who is walking me down the isle I get so angry I could scream. Whenever I hear songs about fathers and daughters now (Like butterfly kisses by Bob Carsile) I cry my heart out.

Why is it affecting me so badly now when it never fazed me for 24 years of my life? How do I get over it??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I can very much understand why you feel upset, and it hardly seems unreasonable for him to come to attend your wedding ? It surely wouldn't cost him all that much ? You have every reason for feeling angry. Is he scared someone might ask him to contribute towards the costs of the wedding ? We tend to live in hope, and despite accumulating evidence that he was a bad dad, apparently you never gave up hope that when it really matterted to you, he would come through. Apparently he's not big enough to do that.
But don't allow him to spoil your big day or your happiness. I like MK's suggestions. As Me says, he doesn't deserve the honour of walking down the aisle with you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gracie | 2008/06/03

I agree with the postings above - ask your new father (father-in-law) to dance the father/daughter dance with you and your mom to walk you down the aisle! That would be so awesome and if you don't want your mom to walk with you, walk alone or with your bridesmaid and flowergirl or get a young male relative to usher you into the church! You have my sympathy as you must be feeling really let down by your father, but dont let that spoil your special day! Keep your chin up - he does not deserve to have that special place next to you when you walk down the aisle or have the father/daugther dance! It's his decision entirely and if he makes shitty decisions by not wanting to share your special day with you, then he must put up with the consequences! Some men are really not worthy of being called fathers! If he really wanted to, he would be there and if he really cannot be there, the least he can do is make a substantial financial contribution!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Ness | 2008/06/03

My dad lives in the UK and I know he wont come over for my wedding. I ave resolved to it. I love my dad but I know he is a selfish man. Thats sounds very nasty I know but i am so tired of trying to figure out why he OR my mom did half the things they did. My only advice is to explain how much it would mean to you to have him there, if he still makes an excuse then leave it. His loss. You can ask your future dad to dance the father daughter dance with you after all he is going to be your dad now too.

Hold your head up high sweets and don't let HIS ways effect you and your big day.

Let us know how it goes. xxx

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Me | 2008/06/03

You know what ... it does not sound like your dad deserves to walk you down the isle. I agree with Lin. Ask your mom to walk with you. After all - she was both parents to you throughout your life. And your dad-in-law will be great for the dance. Or your brother.

Dont waste precious happy moments on your dad. I know he is your dad and it hurts, but obviously he does not take that very seriously and neither should you. Just being your bioligical fathers, does not make him a dad, and you do not have to feel guilty about that. It is his problem really.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Britty | 2008/06/02

My dad only came to the church and when i went to take his arm to go down the aisle he pulled away from me. He didn't come to the reception as there was no-one to look after his dog! As for dancing well he wasn't there for that obviously. People asked me where he was and I told them he wasn't well. But knowing how my father was I didn't really expect anything else. I however refused to be upset by his behaviour and had a wonderful day as most brides do and you will too. As he won't co-operate and nothing you do will encourage his co-operation forget it and concentrate on making your day happy for yourself, your groom, family and friends and to hell with people like your father who cause so much hurt and pain on such a special day. Good luck.

Reply to Britty
Posted by: Lin | 2008/06/02

Ask your mom to walk you down the isle and your father in law to do the daddy dance with you. Your wedding day will still be special - even without your father being there. You'll feel so special and spoilt and you'll only have eyes for your new hubby.
Congrats on the wedding! Have a fab day!

Reply to Lin
Posted by: al | 2008/06/02

My mother walked me down the isle also. My friends stepdad walked with her, because he was the one raising her and not her own dad.

Reply to al
Posted by: MK | 2008/06/02

I guess acceptance is the first step, but it won't be easy. And then move to plan B. Why don't you get your mom to walk you down the aisle. I think that would be pretty special. And if you have a brother, he could do that dance with you.

Reply to MK
Posted by: KB | 2008/06/02

I think it affects you as how much you shrugged off all the other let downs, in the end he is still you dad, and no amount of shrugging off will change that. I think by him not attending your wedding is really disapointing. Maybe his new family put pressure on him, especially his wife/partner. Some fathers are just pathetic. Im divorced, and i know that the father of my little girl is going to turn out to be just like your dad. She is 4 and he already acts that way and he lives in NZ.

Reply to KB

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