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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/06/25

Family probs

Hallo Prof Simpson

Hope you are well.

I would really appreciate your input in my problem.

I have an alcholic family member that stays with my folks. He is extremely rude and always have nasty comments esp towards my husband. Furthermore is he an absolute hypocrite, prentending that he loves me and my husband, but then would do the total opposite behind our backs. I do not trust him at all.

Unfortutely he does stay with my parents and have to see him when we visit them.

What do I do? Do I tell my parents that I do not want to visit them if he is there, do I just ignore him, do I pretend to like him for the sake of the family????

I hate conflict and would rather just cut him out of our lives completely, but I have no idea how to handle this.

All the best

Anon

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi, I think I'm currently too frozen to be unwell, though maybe something nasty will reveal itself when I thaw out. Having also struggled with alcoholic family members personally as well as professionally, I understand how difficult this is. Its very tempting to try to cut an alcoholic trouble-maker out of your family life, but as you describe, other circymstances may make this difficult. Sme alcoholics are brilliant at simulating affection and blaming everyone and evrything but themselves for the troubles they make for themselves and others. And nice people get sucked in, and exploited, sometimes for decades. I do hope he is not exploiting your parents and getting them to fund his drinking.
However, apparently you have the lesser problem of, it sounds, only being inflicted with his company when you visit them. As you presumably rally do want to spend time with your folks, the issue would probably be best handled by desensitizing yourselves and not allowing him to get under your skin and irritate you. Assume that he will be insincere but that this need not matter to you. Don't trust him, but dont get bothered by this. Sometimes you visit a loved family member who lives somewhere with a lousy climate, and you make the best of it. Do likewise. As Abigail says, tolerate him.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Abigail | 2012/06/25

There is no reason why you should pretend to like him - the way I see it, that would be hypocritical. For the sake of your parents and to not make the situation uncomfortable for them, try to tolerate him as best you can. Why is he living with your parents? You should however discuss this with your parents and tell them how you feel - you never know, they may feel the same way you do, but because he is family, put up with him and his bad manners. Maybe your husband should also take him aside and ask him what his problem is and what the reason is for the nasty comments. It is after all your parents'' home and he should treat you and your husband with the same respect he (hopefully) treats your parents with. His bad behaviour could also be as a result of his addiction to alcohol. Is he always rude or only when he has been on the sauce? I hope you get this unpleasant situation sorted out soon, alternatively this unpleasant man out of your lives. Being family does not give him the right to treat you or your husband badly. He should be grateful that he has family (your parents) who care enough to allow him to live with them.

Reply to Abigail
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/25

Hi, I think I'm currently too frozen to be unwell, though maybe something nasty will reveal itself when I thaw out. Having also struggled with alcoholic family members personally as well as professionally, I understand how difficult this is. Its very tempting to try to cut an alcoholic trouble-maker out of your family life, but as you describe, other circymstances may make this difficult. Sme alcoholics are brilliant at simulating affection and blaming everyone and evrything but themselves for the troubles they make for themselves and others. And nice people get sucked in, and exploited, sometimes for decades. I do hope he is not exploiting your parents and getting them to fund his drinking.
However, apparently you have the lesser problem of, it sounds, only being inflicted with his company when you visit them. As you presumably rally do want to spend time with your folks, the issue would probably be best handled by desensitizing yourselves and not allowing him to get under your skin and irritate you. Assume that he will be insincere but that this need not matter to you. Don't trust him, but dont get bothered by this. Sometimes you visit a loved family member who lives somewhere with a lousy climate, and you make the best of it. Do likewise. As Abigail says, tolerate him.

Reply to cybershrink

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