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Question
Posted by: sash | 2010/02/11

Family problem, ur views plzzzzz

I have a younger brother who has been in a relationship with and older girl who is controlling and stubborn .
He is only 23 and she recently made a decision to move to another province as she has been promised a job and now wants my brother to move with her.
Being an indian family and a very close knit 1 with very strong beliefs, my parents refuse to allow this. My mums health has not been great over the years and i dont want her to be upset by them any further but they now decide they want to get married in a month and move as living together is not acceptable by my family .

How do i talk them out of this , my mom is still recovery from a triple bypass.

Anybody and all suggestions welcome!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As woman says, he's 23 an legally adul and can go anywhere he pleases. He has a full legal right to be sensible or stupid, if he so wishes.
It is your mom's choice whether she insists on becoming awfully upset if he makes his own decisions, or not. It is not compulsory.
I suspect that the more you all try to talk them out of this, the more determined they will both be, to do what they have decided. You can't win that way, and may lose him all the more totally if you try to stop him.
Let him learn to accept and deal with the consequences of his own decisions, and he could become wiser in future

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7
Our users say:
Posted by: Kristen | 2010/02/12

Oh my word Simmi, well said, I applaud you!

Reply to Kristen
Posted by: Kristen | 2010/02/12

Oh my word Simmi, well said, I applaud you!

Reply to Kristen
Posted by: Sash | 2010/02/11

Thanx simmi that is wise advice . We have nothing against this girl and when she visits which is every weekend she is treated like one of us. She is actually a nice person.

I say she is controlling bcoz on some weekends she goes out with friends and insist that he stay home. he is not allowed to go out with his friends alone and even when he is involved in the usual family stuff... like goin out for lunch or supper , she throws a fit.
Take for example : he is unable to answer his phone, she will phone the house, me or my sister ... 8-9times if necessary just to get a hold of him .
Insecurity maybe but I sometimes think its a little obsessive.

I have asked them to take time , think about it , get married and then go as this is what my parents want but she wont listen its now(in the next 2 weeks) or never.
He works and doesnt earn much but its enough to live on . If he does move away , he has no family there , doesnt know the place and will have to look for a job , who knows how long this will take.
We dont want them to split up or anything like that as we know she makes him happy , its just the move that everybody is concerned abt.
Our concerns are for his well being.

Reply to Sash
Posted by: Sam | 2010/02/11

This is where your family needs to swallow their pride, and ask them to move in together BEFORE they get married! They' ll learn their own lessons the hard way.

Reply to Sam
Posted by: Simmi | 2010/02/11

I am Indian too and am currently facing a similar situation with my family. Brother is 20 and has a girlfriend that is 22. parents are against it.

I just need to say that Indian parents are controlling. Your brother is an adult. he is 23. He is capable of making decisions for himself, unless offcourse he is reatrded or suffering other mental disabilities that render him incapable of making decisions for himself.

What makes you think his girlfriend is stubborn and controlling? Is it because he has chosen her over his family and rather than stay with mummy and daddy, has chosen to move in with her? Is she stubborn and controlling because she is confident and a go getter and knows what she wants and stands up for herself. Indian parents have a problem with confident women. And yes, if their sons want to spend time and go out with their girlfriends, rather than go to Checkers with mummy or visit the aunties and uncles, then it is the girlfriend who is controlling him and stopping him from spending time with his familly.

Give his girlfriend a chance. How friendly and accommodating have you all been to her? Maybe she visits your parents place and everyone has this attitude towards her (typical of Indian families). And mum always wants to find a wife for her son.

Let your brother live his life please. You don' t know what type of relationship he has with this girl. If you don' t think your brother is an idiot, then you should know he would have made a good choice in this girl. And Indian parents are too good at making their kids feel guilty and using illness. My dad had a mild stroke some time ago and now claims that because of my brother, he is going to have a stroke again.

I told my dad that he cannot stop my brother from growing up. Having a girl friend is natural. If his heart gets broken, then it will mend and yes he will move on and find another. Its part of life and growing up.

Are you married yourself? Did you find your own husband or was it an arranged marriage? Do your remember what it was like to fall in love? What would you have done if your parents didn' t like your hubby and forced you to break up?

Whats wrong with them moving away together? maybe let them go and tell them to live together for a while before considering marriage. i know Indians always worry about what people will say if they find out that their child is living with someone and not married. Life has changed. It isn' t 1960 anymore where your mum can choose your wife for you and you have to live with mummy and daddy after you get married. Young couples wnat their own lives and want independence. If as you say you and brother were brought up with strong beliefs and good values, then this won' t change. I do hope that when you say this, you don' t mean that religious beliefs and family traditions weren' t forced upon you.

You don' t say if your brother works, or is studying or what profession he is in. The fact that this girl wants to move because she may get a job, shows that she wants to progress in life. She is making a big change in her life to try to improve it. What does your brother have to offer her? Would you prefer she rather stayed and stayed unemployed if she doesn' t have a job, or would you rather prefer she went out and tried to make something of herself. And if your brother isn' t working himself, then maybe it will be good for him to start looking for a kob in a different province.

Your brother is 23 and not 3! He is and adult. A man. And he has a brain. Let him live his life.

Reply to Simmi
Posted by: Woman | 2010/02/11

It' s 2010, he' s23. Legally, he can do anything he pleases. If your family doesn' t like this woman, verbalising it will only push him away from you. Allow him to learn his own lessons, it will make him a better man.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/11

As woman says, he's 23 an legally adul and can go anywhere he pleases. He has a full legal right to be sensible or stupid, if he so wishes.
It is your mom's choice whether she insists on becoming awfully upset if he makes his own decisions, or not. It is not compulsory.
I suspect that the more you all try to talk them out of this, the more determined they will both be, to do what they have decided. You can't win that way, and may lose him all the more totally if you try to stop him.
Let him learn to accept and deal with the consequences of his own decisions, and he could become wiser in future

Reply to cybershrink

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